I haven’t posted in a while but I’ve been on a spiritual journey in regards to my long-term unemployment. I think we are all familiar with the stages of grief. Well, I could never truly attain the acceptance stage. Being long-term unemployed is such a bitter pill. I come from a long line of hard-working boot-strappers. Working is in my gene pool. I have to keep busy. Unemployment is a long span of doing nothing. I search for jobs, but that’s quick work. Over and done in about half an hour. I do chores. I go for walks. I volunteer when needed. These are wholesome things, but they provide no income to help ease the burden I am on my friends and family. Nor do they aid my ability to accept my circumstance.
Acceptance is a long and difficult journey. Join me beyond the decorative squiggly to discover more…
Acceptance – especially when it involves personal failings – is the hardest thing for me. Maybe I have a perfection complex. Maybe my ego is easily bruised. I don’t know why. Somehow I think all this is my fault. Maybe if I was more dedicated, worked harder, or stayed at the office later I wouldn’t have been let go. But I know these are futile thoughts. Business was in decline and companies have to draw the line somewhere. I was expendable, so I was let go. But there is always the “what if?” element to acceptance. I realized I needed to purge the “what if?” from my thoughts in order to attain acceptance. My unemployment is a no-fault circumstance on either side. I was the victim of an economic downturn. No “what if?” about it.
But true and complete acceptance still eludes me. I’ve come to terms with my situation, but I still yearn for the ever elusive acceptance of it all. When ever disparaging thoughts take hold, I think of all the marvelous things that would not have happened if it weren’t for my unemployment, losing the house, and my marriage ending. Yes! There are great things to cherish and celebrate! I would never have met the love of my life who now supports me in every way imaginable. Without her, I would be ruined, out on the street – or worse – living with my parents. (Just kidding! My parents are good people.) I think of all the pain and struggles then think of her and all the good things that have been borne from my misfortune.
I can’t help but smile. In so many ways my life is better off. I’m a creative guy and I have to keep busy. I thrive within the arts. They say that the arts are an excellent outlet for healing. Still seeking acceptance, I had plenty of healing to do. My girlfriend is a musician. I’ve never considered music as a creative outlet before. While she was off at the studio one day, I thought I’d give it a go. A completely crazy idea from a guy whose musical experience extended as far as my i-pod then dropped off sharply. Me dabbling in music was about as reasonable as becoming the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But, why not? Just because I haven’t attempted it before is no reason not to try. So I gave it a go and shared my results when she came home.
That was in 2010. Since then I have not let inexperience stop me from achieving my goals. Now I have the time to devote to greater things. Now I have the time to compose music. Now I have the time to finish writing my book series. Now I have the time to pursue all my creative endeavors and I intend to pursue them. These are valuable parts of myself that would never have become real if it weren’t for my unemployment. I have no intention of making money off of any of these pursuits. They cost me nothing aside from a little time and imagination. I do these things for selfish reasons: to give me joy and an outlet to ease the pain. These are the physical manifestations of my struggle. These are creations plucked from my imagination and imbued with my fears, anxieties, hopes, sorrows, frustrations, joys, and experiences.
Have I finally achieved acceptance? Some days I think so. On the days I have my doubts, I look back over the past five years and ask myself if I am better off. Of course, it depends on how I ask the question. Am I financially better off? No. Definitely not! Am I richer? Considering all the things that are priceless – my relationship and my artistic creations – I am a far richer man than I ever was prior to 2009. All those chapters and all those songs would not exist if it weren’t for my struggle. I’ve done great things. I have no money, but I have made a contribution to the beauty of this world. So, have I finally achieved acceptance? I still don’t know for certain, but I am a whole lot closer than I have ever been.
I am not a professional writer or musician. My works are far from perfect. I do these things purely to ease my soul. However, if my creations bring joy to others then I know my unemployment has served a purpose. Maybe they may provide inspiration and encouragement to others like myself who yearn to find purpose and acceptance from the ashes of broken dreams and expectations. Whatever it takes to survive this struggle.
For those interested in my creative works, here’s where you can start:
My music: http://www.reverbnation.com/...
My book series: http://pilgrimsanddemigods.wordpress.com/
Thanks to the dk community, my friends, and family for all that you have done for me. These works I dedicate to you.