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There is a controversy raging in the scientific community, and it is one where all viewpoints need to be aired equally and debated in classrooms and dinner tables across America: What kind of animal shit do Creationists have for brains? Some say bat, some say rat, some say dog, while others feel it could be a combination of various types of fecal matter.  Rather than having the government offend the beliefs of those who think one way or another, why not have our schools teach children each of the various theories on the subject and let every family and community decide for themselves?

If you think Creationists have batshit for brains, I may disagree with you - personally I think it's a combination of dog and baboon shit, with a light sprinkling of yak manure - but I respect your opinion enough to acknowledge that we all deserve to be heard.  Even Creationists themselves should be heard so that each of the theories about the contents of their heads can be measured against how they behave.  You say it's horse dung, some other person says pig, and a third insists it's human excrement - who is right?  

To figure that out, the next person to ask is a Creationist.  Only through careful examination of their nonsensical blather can you tease out information that may support your arguments, or else serve as a basis for reconsideration.  Now, this should be done in a carefully controlled environment - Creationists are known to become agitated and suddenly attack people, which would then require anyone who got bit to be inoculated against toxoplasmosis.  But as long as they're provided with a water dish, newspaper on the floor, and maybe a hamster wheel for exercise, they should be relatively calm and be able to give useful responses.

Toward that end, teachers should look to design lesson plans around teaching this controversy whereby students are asked to make their own hypothesis, make predictions about what ludicrous bullshit the guest Creationist will say when asked a given set of questions, and then record observations as their hypotheses are put to the test.  For instance, here is one such exchange that took place when students tried out a model of this curriculum by interviewing a Creationist, who we will call Dimmy to protect his identity and limit the possibility of his being nominated for Congress by the Republican Party:

Student 1: Dimmy, what is 1 + 1?

Dimmy: Well, the Lord had Noah take animals on to his ark by twos, but as all things come from the Lord, all things shall return unto Him, so that's really a question for God that you should pray on.  I'm hungry.  Does anyone have any pork-fried cholesterol chunks, or cholesterol-fried pork chunks?

Student 1: So what is the number that 1 and 1 together make?  Can you guess?

Dimmy: No need to guess - "The Lord spoke to Moses in the tent of meeting in the Desert of Sinai on the first day of the second month of the second year after the Israelites came out of Egypt."  Numbers 1:1.  Read your Bible, it's all right there.

Student 2: Dimmy, what's your favorite color?

Dimmy: Faith.  And Jesus.  Faith in Jesus.  Gosh, these are hard questions.  Give me strength, Oh Lord!

(Dimmy scratches his crotch, then sniffs his hand with a pleased expression on his face)

Student 3: Dimmy, why did the chicken cross the road?

Dimmy:  (pause)...for unto thine...umm...no, that's not right...wait, I know this...I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH!  AHHHHHH!

(at this point Dimmy violently attacked Student 3 and had to be tranquilized)

Clearly the curriculum still needs work, but we're making progress.
Poll

What's your theory? Which animal's excrement do Creationists have for brains?

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13%9 votes
9%6 votes
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3%2 votes
31%21 votes

| 66 votes | Vote | Results

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