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The last few days my mother has been in the ICU. Not good what is going on. Her health is terrible. My brother and myself running over to see her 24/7. I might seem like a caring person here, but in all honesty in my day to day life my family isn't that friendly. Nor am I. Heck I don't recall the last time anybody in my family said they loved me or hugged me.       

If something major happened in your life I could literally think somebody in my family would say:

Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.
It was hard for me to say these words to my mom as I left last night. When I kissed her on her forehead and told her I loved her, well might have been the first time I've ever done that as an adult. I mean I LOVE her; it isn't just isn't something we say out loud! But looking at her in that bed I was freaked out.

You know I write about my mom here all the time, but rarely if ever tell her the things I write here. How much I love her. How she is my rock. How when I think of things to do in my life I wonder what would she do. I am worried I might have missed that chance to tell her this.

I've NEVER TOLD HER I VIEW HER AS A MOTHERFUCKING ROCK STAR! I wish I could be just a fraction of her. She is just the best.

Two weeks ago she had surgery, to remove a growth in her colon that was not cancerous. Everything seemed fine until the other day when she couldn't breathe and she started to puke blood. Dad freaked out and called 911.

It is four days later and the doctors IMHO seem clueless. Ever seen the show House where they can't figure stuff out? We got that going on. They treat her for this or that. This or that. They are wrong and try something else. That is exactly what is happening here. They literally don't know what is wrong.

Why her blood sugar level was close to 500 (no that isn't a typo) but she isn't diabetic, hitting her with insulin 24/7. Why she is puking blood. It is fucking FUBAR.

I often think that I am 43 and single cause I don't often show emotion. That I can see this or that terrible thing happen and I don't appear to change. Show emotion. You know I am losing that at this time.

Right now after the MRI they think she has both a blood clot and a blocked colon. Options are many they tell us.

My dad and my mom have been married for 47 years. The love of his life. But he ain't talking to her or her doctors. He seems to have found some place where everything is fine and just a bump in the road. I've told him this isn't acceptable to me, this isn't some "little" 'thing, this is a serious thing and he need to grasp it. Heck I tracked down her doctor and questioned him 24/7. Pushed and pushed.

He says things are "Ok" but I wonder if he is right.

I wish some good news would come my way.

I don't know why I just wrote this, but it feels better having done it ......

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