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Money swirling into a black hole
I have one of the smartest little girls in my opinion in the world.   She overheard me say
that I hate that once a month pay day.   I hate it with a passion.   I was on the phone
and scraping my pennies for her a happy meal.  Something she had not had in more than a month.   I was telling a friend the reason I hated it so much is that I can't  make things work like I used to.   Where is the recovery we are supposed to be in?

I have to manage everything almost totally alone and a sadness comes over me at the first.   I always start trying to decide whether to cut the cable, move into a smaller place, and with the sequester, figure more bills to pay since the insurance does not cover some of the meds.  I hated the fact that we made just enough to not qualify for anything yet too little to pay things as they go up up and up.   My friend  was talking about her set of circumstances as well.   This is the first month that some VA and social security was cut due to our 18 turning 18.  Well now, I knew that was gonna happen but I figured she could get that college chapter 35 started but of course, there is a backlog of decisions at the VA and still no summer jobs.   i did not figure on that.  Many Americans did not figure the sequester kicking their butts.   I did not figure all the illness would kick our butts so either and Scott and the republicans stopping  the ridiculous notion that expansion of medicaid is a mistake.

The whole reason this conversation was going on is my little girl heard me say I had had it with the organization and it couldn't run it on shoestring and especially it being my shoestrings anymore and I had to start dissolving...the name and all within about 4 months.  I held the meeting with the all  volunteer board and told them this was going to happen.    There are no assets to give to another 501 so they can have the printer and desktop..whoever wants to acquire it or I will just dissolve it and be done with it.

I saw her playing with her stuffed animal and told my party on the other end, I needed to quit talking in front of little ears.  I would call back later.

She spoke up and said, "Mommie, why does everyone want that green paper"?  I wasn't sure what she meant as I was still going over things in my head.  She said, " Money".  It is just green paper and everybody seems to never have enough of it".  The ones with the most green paper even want the green paper from people who has just a little bit of it."  Why is that Mommie"?  Why is the green paper so important to everything? IT'S JUST GREEN PAPER.   I stopped the car and said, " No, honey, that money that you are saying is just green paper is what it takes to live in these times.  You have to give it to everyone to get them to do everything from keeping on the lights to you watching cable.  They don't like to wait either.
You don't have to have cable.   But Dad is disabled and likes all those national geographic shows and NASA or otherwise I would just turn it off.

We don't have to live where we do but everyplace costs money and  some bad people cared more about that green paper than us having that house in Ga.   Bad men and women control the money and the paper and we have to learn to adjust to that.  It's called GREED.  It's evil and it's wrong.  I told her that green paper went down a black hole and the bad people did not go to jail but should have.   She said, " Well we give stuff away to people" and I said, "Yes, because they need it worse than we do".   We don't ask for that green paper.  We give certain things away because others need it and they need to hold on to the green paper.  

I said, half hearitly, "  Money or that green paper does not really make a person happy.   She said, " But they can choose what they keep and be miserable with".  I never really thought of it that way.    She really made me stop and think a minute... A person with lots of wealth can choose their misery.  Hmmmmm.  I said, " Yeah like choosing their doctors..I pay for yours because that medicaid and Chip program would only pay for their doctor.   I then realize I am having an economic discussion with an 8 year who should not be impacted by all of this scrimping and stressing.
   I wonder if this economic time will affect her like The Great Depression affected the greatest generation, who were children...

I wondered if she notices that we rely on belt tightening so much that even a happy meal is a treat.  I knew she noticed my wedding rings were missing because she wanted to know where they were.  I told her I was getting them worked on.   She said, "Dad's too" ?  I said no more.

 I wondered if she will remember that chasing lighning bugs and playing in the pool that came with the house will be a memory of joy.  Even if Dad has to use it for aqua therapy.  My mind wandered back to the green paper,   I wondered if the VA should help me pay for the upkeep considering they ordered the Aqua Therapy.   Knowing the VA, they had rather spend that green paper to go to their own physical therapy.

  I wondered if sitting by the fire
telling Indian heritage stories was enough.   The park down the street requires no green paper except through my taxes so I wondered if I was spending too much time  stressing over the paper and not enough time at the park.  I realized that our out of town  trip was filled with tears at a funeral....  i didn't want the entire month of April and May to be tied up with funeral homes, grief, two hospitalizations , and she and I sick and having tests run.  I guess that made me angrier than I have been and really aware of the class warfare.  I am mad as hell about the whole sum of what America has turned into.

 It has angered me more than any other time that it costs to put someone in the ground...or cremate.  It angers me that I worked for 30 years hard work and now have to fight for that green paper I thought I put away then.  It angers me that I wore to my Daddy's funeral the same thing I wore to Mama's in 2004.   It angers me that war has taken so much from my husband that he misses most of life., Like our daughter's high school graduation.    It angers me that the poor care more about the poor than the wealthy folks do.  It angers me that I live in a capitolist country where family even breaks into class warfare. It angers me that BP Oil has screwed up the Gulf, not 12 miles from my home and I am afraid to put my foot in it.  That is one thing the depression people didn't have to worry about.. The Fracking, the pollution, the poison waters and The slime in the food.  The food they ravaged from dumpsters or garbage cans was safer probably than the junk we pay the green paper for.

  It encourages me that I have people who care and most are right here, besides my own family..The ones under this roof.  It encourages me that green paper is not required to be here.   The green paper is a problem.. If you have it or if you don''s a problem.  I told my friend, "I don't get it..Some of the poorest people who are not caught between cracks eat and live better than some trying their hardest.  She laughed and said, " That is because you are too honest, like me and don't scam or game the system".  You are just close enough to the poverty line to fall through the crack.  It was at this very moment I realized I am a socialist.   I vote democratic but I am of Bernie Sanders idealogy.

None of my children.. Not one has ever been on a boat except a little boat down a river a couple of years ago that the church function had.    There are no cruise people here.  Never have been on one...and this is where the rich get it all wrong.   Just because we have never been on a cruise, or ate at fine restuarants with the exception of Danang ..thank you DaNang for taking us to Chef Napoli's, doesn't mean we have no desire for some of these things...because I would like a respite or experience just a few of these things before I die.  

 I  smiled at her with the biggest smile and thought , " This little girl is smart".  She has her priorties in order.  She knows
a family playing together ( when they are well enough) is a lot more important than any green paper.   The phone rang, and as usual it was someone who knows the 1st is coming and the green paper gets thrown in different directions and they are anxious and I simply said, " Don't sweat it's just green paper",   She laughed out loud..  Me?  I wanted to cry.

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