At the urging of some of my readers, I reported about Kristin Beck in Transgender Heroes #3. Since then she was interviewed by Anderson Cooper on CNN and had excerpts from her book, written with Anne Speckherd, PhD, published in Salon.
The AC360 interview and excerpts from the Salon article are on the inside.
Beck uses the onion analogy I have myself shared here.
No one ever met the real me.
It is a constant, but as you suppress and as you bottle it up, it's not like on that surface.
You would never notice it because I can push it so deep, but then it does kinda, like, it gnaws at you. So it's always there.
She became a SEAL because they are "the toughest of the tough." She hoped that by becoming a SEAL, she would cure herself of her gender dilemma.
But it didn't have any affect at all.
She talked about the fear she had…and still has…about coming out. She knows that some of her colleagues would likely have supported her if she revealed her gender identity. But she feared others would wish to harm her…and that she might end up dead.
That’s a fear I have right now. There's a lot of prejudice out there. There's been a lot of transgender people who are killed for prejudice, for hatred. When the book came out -- some amazing support and some amazing praises -- but also some pretty amazing bigotry and hatred.
You don’t have to like me. I don’t care, but please don’t kill me.
--Kristin Beck
I want to have my life. I want to live in peace and happiness.
I fought for 20 years for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want to be happy.
--Kristin Beck
Kristin gives as clear an explanation of the difference between gay and being trans as I could give.
For years Chris had turned off his sexuality like a light switch and lived as a warrior, consumed with the battle—living a basically asexual life. For Chris the other SEALs were brothers and in the man’s man warrior lifestyle, even if he had wanted to entertain sexual thoughts, there really was never any time to be thinking too much about sexuality. Blood, constant deployments, hard driving, fatigue and traumatic bereavement can all help shut down a sex drive. And until he resolved his body issues and got a girl body it would be too strange for him to engage in homosexual behavior that he didn’t relate to.
Chris was a married father of two when his wife took the kids and left him in 2006. Chris was devastated by the break-up…but at the same time it gave him the opportunity to search for inner peace.
This stage is akin to moving into adolescence. Kristin needed to learn how to grow into womanhood. Actually being an adult interferes with that somewhat. The adolescent can't hang out at bars.
She did go to some gay bars…and even became friendly with some of the people she met there. But there was always something that kept her apart, that drove a wedge between her and potential friendships. Kristin's view of herself was as a "straight girl."
The article also describes one of the times she considered suicide as a way out of her dilemma.
There’s still so much out there to do, Chris thought, shutting off the TV and putting the gun down. The easy way out is not the right way, especially when I still have my buddies over there in the sandbox—defending the rights of the heroes of the idiot box and our modern-day coliseums.
I gave true brotherhood. I did my best, 150% all the time, and I gave strength and honor and my full brotherhood to every military person I ever worked with.
--Kristin Beck
She gave strength and honor to everyone except herself. It is now time for that.