We have all seen the tragic victims of hair fires as we go about our daily lives. In the midst of complaining about some facet of modern life or just reading the news the victims normally peaceful, carefully coifed follicles spontaneously combust, causing social embarrassment, a possibly toxic cloud of smoke and flame, a foul odor and also contributing to Global Warming. (Incidents of people's hair catching fire over seeing someones hair on fire are reportedly on the increase as awareness of Climate Change rises.)
Second or third degree burns, baldness, and the economic hardship of purchasing multiple hats are just some of the less spoken of side effects of spontaneous hair combustion. But by far the greatest fear most people seem to have is having other citizens rush up to them pointing fingers and making mean and disparaging remarks about their flame licked locks.
The elderly Mrs. Jean Stapleton of Elko, Nevada told our reporter that when her hair caught fire after reports that the Democrats were considering cutting her Social Security check, her sole means of support, the social stigma of her neighbors pointing and hooting was far more painful than the actually physical discomfort. Mrs. Stapleton, she says, has stopped paying attention to politics and current events in general, rather than risking a repeat episode.
According to a study by the makers of Head and Shoulders, hair fires have been steadily increasing as our fellow citizens have been able to become more informed on social, political, and economic issues due heightened use of the independent media on the internet.
Issues such as the "Too Big To Fail Banks" actually increasing in size since the financial catastrophe, lack of gun control despite overwhelming public outcry, government spying on each and every citizen, and the failure of politicians to even pretend they aren't completely corrupt are cited in the study as some of the proximate causes of the epidemic of flaming hair-dos.
The government and both political parties are planning a far reaching series of public service announcements urging ordinary citizens to stop paying attention to all political reporting, environmental and financial news, and the coverage of any other subject close to their hearts.
"Really, we encourage people to just tune out entirely," said one anonymous high ranking government source, "we have proven over and over again that the government, when left alone and unmonitored by it's citizens, is completely trustworthy and honest."
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, when asked to weigh in on the subject commented "Why risk a stinky hair fire by paying attention to current events....what could possibly go wrong?"