I know what you think, Americans – you have nothing to fear from NSA spying because you haven’t done anything wrong.
But that’s according to CURRENT laws. What happens if what you do today makes you a criminal tomorrow?
Are you a retro-criminal?
Back in the year 2000, being Muslim was no big deal. You got some flack from your fashion choices, but that’s it. Today, however, being Muslim, talking to Muslims, even referring to a Muslim with some sort of approval 15 years ago puts you on a watch list. By doing something you didn’t know would be illegal someday, YOU may be guilty of a retro-felony.
As a public service, I have compiled a series of future crimes you should refrain from ever having done last year.
- Ever complain about The President, or even suggest that he should be removed from office? Sorry, the Dissing-Our-Beloved-Leader Act of 2015 punishes such a deed with a mandatory sentence of 25 to Life.
- Ever sign an online petition to ask your Congressman to pass a law? Well, the Lobbyist Registration Act requires people to submit their requests through a lobbyist who has been properly licensed by, and in good standing with, the current administration. Looks like hard time for you, buddy.
- The Anti-Muslo-American-Cleric-Ranting Act of 2016 makes the making of anything the government considers derogatory punishable by drone-caused death. Oh, wait – that was 2008, not 2016.
- The Anti-Revealing-Secrets . . . oh, wait, that one’s already in place, too. Sorry.
And that’s not even scraping the surface! The Attempting-To-Have-Privacy Act, the Used-A-Keyword-In-A-Communication Act, The Trying-To-Get-Voting-Rights-While-Poor Act . . . any of these things could result in your incarceration. Remember, before 9/11, things like government data-mining, waterboarding, and assassinations were unbelievable, too. Heaven only knows what future crimes might appear in the next few years.
So, what are your options? Well, assuming you can’t change your past, you might earn a few brownie points by expressly and clearly NOT breaking The Hold-Government-To-Proper-Standards Act and The No-Reelecting-Self-Serving-Liars Act.
Change your fate. Choose your future now.