Instead of recycling, we should use trash to build a majestic mountain. I'm sick of America not having the tallest mountain in the world.
It bothers me that I hate pharmaceutical companies but I also need their products because herbs and crap don't work.
I pay my taxes, and vote which entitles me to a lifetime's supply of vaguely idiotic self-righteousness.
Every time I put on a new outfit, I take a picture of myself and email it to Adobe Acrobat so they can get my "updates."
If your partner ever explains that some awkward situation "was a test", just remember you can always buy new stuff and run as far as you can.
Why was I summoned forth into existence in this universe if they weren't going to give me enough nap time?
If I had a time machine, I'd use it to beat the fuck out of H.G. Wells