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According to a recent study published in The Congressional Record, approximately fifteen weeks after conception, unborn baby boys begin to masturbate to the Star-Spangled Banner.

Although masturbating is an inherently immoral act, it's not seen as problematic when done by fetuses destined to become natural born citizens; the real problem arises when foreign fetuses do it while fantasizing about taking our jobs.

Fortunately, the U.S. Senate has lived up to its reputation as "the world's greatest deliberative body" by devising a plan that will prevent some of these second-class fetuses from having that opportunity.

Morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK); Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI); Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-CA); Roundtable: Former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, GOP Strategist Mike Murphy, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed (D), Former CEO of Hewlett Packard, Carly Fiorina and Chuck Todd (NBC News).

Face the Nation: Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA); Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN); Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL); Roundtable: Bobby Ghosh (TIME), Susan Page (USA Today), Gerald Seib (Wall Street Journal), John Dickerson (CBS News) and Clarissa Ward (CBS News).

This Week: NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander; Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI); Foreign Policy Roundtable: Christiane Amanpour (ABC News), Richard Haass (Council on Foreign Relations) and Dan Senor (Foreign Policy Initiative); Politics Roundtable: Rep. Joaquín Castro (D-TX), Rep. Mike Kelly (R-PA), Rebecca Jarvis (ABC News) and former "Car Czar" Steven Rattner.

Fox News Sunday: Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC); Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT); Senate Candidate Gabriel Gomez (R-MA); Roundtable: Brit Hume (Fox News), Bob Woodward (Washington Post), Julie Pace (Associated Press) and Bill Kristol (Weekly Standard).

State of the Union: Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY); Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY); Dan Balz (Washington Post); Dana Bash (CNN); Democratic Strategist Stephanie Cutter; GOP Strategist Kevin Madden; Reliable Sources: David Zurawick (Baltimore Sun); Columbia University Pro. Emily Bell; Adam Buckman (Comcast.net); Marisa Guthrie (The Hollywood Reporter); Amy Holmes (The Blaze); Michelle Cottle (Daily Beast); Robbie Myers (Elle); Janet Reitman (Rolling Stone).

The Chris Matthews Show: Chuck Todd (NBC News); Katty Kay (BBC); Kelly O'Donnell (NBC News); David Ignatius (Washington Post).

Evening lineup:
60 Minutes will feature: an interview with Michael Morton, who was finally freed when DNA evidence exonerated him after 25 years in prison (preview); a report on Russian female punk protest band Pussy Riot (preview); and, an interview with David Kelley, whose Silicon Valley company IDEO has created some of the world's most iconic products, including the computer mouse for Apple (preview).

On Comedy Central...

While Jon Stewart was off appearing on Egypt's "Daily Show," guest host John Oliver weighed in on Paula Deen's white people problems.


Monday: Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal

Tuesday: Musician/Author Questlove

Wednesday: Filmmaker Josh Fox

Thursday: Tom Goldstein (SCOTUSblog)

And Stephen Colbert delivered a moving tribute to his mother Lorna, who died last week at the age of 92.

The Colbert Report

Monday: Author Andrew Solomon

Tuesday: Tufts University Prof. Peniel Joseph

Wednesday: Journalist Bill Moyers

Thursday: Ground Zero Architect Daniel Libeskind

Elsewhere...

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) claimed that food stamp recipients are eating better than his hard-working, tax-paying constituents.

The Texas congressman complained that Democrats had portrayed Republicans as evil because they supported a measure to cut nearly 2 million low-income people off the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, which would mainly impact working families with children.

On the other hand, Gohmert said, poor people were using food stamps to buy food that other Americans could not afford. He claimed his "broken-hearted" constituents had repeatedly told him they had seen people use food stamps to buy king crab legs.

"Because he does pay income tax, he doesn't get more back than he pays in, he is actually helping pay for king crab legs when he can’t pay for them for himself," Gohmert explained.

"How can you begrudge somebody who feels that way," he added. "How can you begrudge anyone who steps up on behalf of constituents who feel that way. We don’t want anyone to go hungry, and from the amount of obesity in this country by people who we’re told do not have enough to eat, it does seem like we could have a debate about this issue without allegations about wanting to slap down or starve children."

In other news...

Conservatives, looking for ways to appeal to younger voters, tried to find the humor in abortions.

"How do you make abortion funny?" That was a key question mulled at a major conservative gathering Friday on how to make social conservatism appealing to young people, after an election where Republicans got trounced in the battle for millennial voters (who are are moving even further and further away from the Christian-right on marriage on other issues).

Abortion has to be made funny, the thinking goes, because funny sells on social media, and that’s where one goes to court young people. "You can engage with sarcasm, it's hard with the abortion issue, but you have to," said Students for Life President Kristan Hawkins at a breakout panel at the Faith and Freedom Coalition Conference in Washington today on how to win millennial voters.

Meanwhile...

Maine Gov. Paul LePage (R) acted all kinds of butthurt.

"Sen. Jackson" — a lawmaker who gave the Democratic response to the governor’s budget — "claims to be for the people, but he's the first one to give it to the people without providing Vaseline," LePage declared at an Augusta event. "He is bad. He has no brains, and he has a black heart," the governor continued. [...]

WMTW News 8 asked LePage for reaction after his comments sparked an outcry in the Pine Tree State. "Good," LePage said. "It ought to, because I've been taking it for two years." Reporter Paul Merrill called the comments "offensive" and "cringe-worthy."

Open up and say... ahh!

- Trix

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