One of the things I do when I face emotions that are so painful I can't deal with them is to write. Writing clears my head and takes chaotic, emotional thoughts and condenses them into something of value, something I can look back at and try to calm myself. This may be long, get comfortable.
Where to begin?
If you've been reading my diaries you may know of my ongoing drama with my family. You see, my father abandoned me as a child. He wanted nothing to do with me my entire life. My mother never sought child support and he moved to the other side of the state. Things stayed in roughly that state until I was 28. I had tried contacting my father when I was 19, sending him a letter. I thought that once I was past the age of child support, he might be interested in at least meeting.
Nothing.
Fast forward to 28. I found my uncle on Facebook and contacted him. He knew I existed, but only as a rumor. I met him in person, and then my second uncle. They were very nice to me, but would not contact my father on my behalf. I found out a lot about myself by being around them. I tried to contact my father again, but nothing. I don't know if I got the right address or not.
But what does that matter?
Today I met my aunt. I went a bit against the wishes of my uncles and contacted her directly. We met today. She was very nervous meeting me and said it was kind of weird sitting across from someone that looked like her brother. She was very nice. We had a good time, but the meeting was brief. When she left, my uncle and I had a good talk. He was straight with me. My father didn't even want to acknowledge my existence. My uncle of course, had never talked to my father, but he knew the man. He knew even telling me "No, I don't want to meet you" is a form of acknowledgement. My father probably is afraid of what feelings he might have seeing me and be afraid of how I might react.
After all, how can you make up for 28 years of total absence?
I felt dead inside. What's more, I also had to hear my grandparents are going to pass away without knowing I exist. I learned that they were essentially deteriorating. My grandfather was losing his sanity and control of his body, and my grandmother was not far behind. News of a long lost grandson in a VERY conservative family would be too much for a 75 year old heart. They come from Western Michigan. In the heart of super conservative Christian America. My uncle told me that in some neighborhoods, you didn't move your lawn on Sunday. A mixed race kid like myself would've been a big deal to the people there. It was very bitter medicine, but I needed it.
I was being naive.
I had a happy-go-lucky view of how reality would turn out. I feel like a child. I'm too old for that. I thought maybe my father would at least talk. I was an adult. I've asked nothing of him. Even when my mother and I were on the street I never dragged him into court. I thought maybe I had built a case. I met my uncles on their terms. I never performed a sneak attack and I was, at every point, respectful of their boundaries. I thought maybe I could see my grandparents, but not tell them who I really was. My uncles ruled it out. It's too obvious.
Too bad I'm my father's spitting image. We have the same sense of humor, the same temperament, and the same personality.
Why do I go through all of this trouble? My uncles missed the first 30 some odd years of my life. I invited their children, my cousins, to talk to me, but they have yet to respond. They don't want conflict. What relationship could we possibly have? What relationship could my father and I have? He has a wife and raised her two two kids from a previous marriage. What could he have to offer me? Why did I even start off on this journey? Wouldn't everyone have been happier if I just stayed in the shadows? Why don't I do what most people do in my position, move on and learn to be happy? What did I hope to gain? Why spend hours on a trip to see people when you know you are going to feel awful in the end? Why hold onto a child's fantasies of a father coming out of the shadows for you?
I am going to use this pain constructively to be better. I don't like platitudes, so I can't use them. I have to find someway to get my subconscious to accept reality. I'm going to get married. I'm going to have my own children. I'm going to be there for them, even if it doesn't work out with the mother. I am not going to shrug my shoulders and say "I didn't know what to do." I'm going to finish my life with some goddamned respect, even if I don't have two coins to rub together.
Maybe then I'll feel a bit better and get some answers to some questions.