I'm generally pretty good about staying away from the DK conflicts, mostly because that's not why I come to DK. I come for information, and different perspectives, really interesting stories and people, and to practice my writing. I've been here for long enough to be able to recognize and avoid diaries and topics that are what I consider "conflict morasses", that suck you in and drain your energy.
This isn't to claim any moral superiority, it's just a choice I've made. I recognize that most conflict is driven by people who care strongly about issues (as I do), and that this energy can and does drive meaningful change. I've participated in conflicts as well, usually because I felt that a comment or diary of mine was badly misinterpreted, or that a person was promoting a problematic perspective.
I used to be much more conflict-based, in my life and online. I have a bit of a sniper personality of laying low, waiting for the moment, and then going for a headshot. It's a comfortable place for a detached analytic to be, but it doesn't often actually result in constructive change - it mostly just pisses people off (which granted can be very satisfying). Over time, as I became more actively involved in getting things done on a community level, I realized that being a sniper wasn't particularly useful. I periodically run into snipers in my work now, and find myself spending time and effort redirecting their energy in more constructive directions.
I do still get into conflicts, but I'm much more careful about doing so. I have a neighbour who grew up on the streets, a young man who's finding his way, and working with a lot of challenges. Despite his intention to get on a better path, he's been in numerous physical fights over the last year. He's much better at fighting and winning than I am, but he's also trapped inside a reality where there are many more reasons to get into fights than I. I've trained in martial arts for 15 years, and would be capable in a fight, but my instinct in conflict situations is to 1.Avoid 2.Defuse 3.Depart. There are some very specific scenarios where I would consider taking action, but I have not encountered them in reality, although they happen all the time on tv.
I'm an environmentalist, so there are plenty of opportunities for conflict there, and I've been involved in some epic ones. There have been significant accomplishments, but they're often exhausting. I am increasingly careful about choosing adversaries. It's a lot easier to make enemies than allies. But you can work with allies to build strong and significant long-term change. So that's where I've chosen to put my energy.
On DK, I've learned a lot from people that I've been in conflict with. Mostly what I've learned is compassion and empathy. It can be easy to flick someone's conflict trigger, and the automatic instinct is to escalate and fight harder. But while I'm pretty good at conflict, I find little lasting satisfaction in it.
What I remember from my conflicts on DK are moments of insight and understanding, when I was able to get a sense of where my "opponent" was coming from, why they felt so strongly. Often, we were able to come to a place of (relative) mutual understanding and respect. What I learned from the failures was to be more careful in my conflicts, and practice vulnerability. I work to remain open to my "opponent's" good intentions and good actions, and to stay true to mine. Often enough, I learn that my perspective or interpretation was the limited one, and I'm grateful for what I didn't say in the heat of the moment.
There's a beautiful and inspirational scene in The Almighty Black P Stone Nation: The Rise, Fall, and Resurgence of an American Gang (highly recommended book!), where Martin Luther King Jr. is hit in the head by a brick thrown by racist white agitators during a march in Chicago. That night, he meets with the top leaders of the most powerful black gangs in the city, who are completely outraged, and plan to come to the next day's march armed so they can fight back. You can read the extract here.
After hearing them out, Martin Luther King Jr. leads a discussion about how to fight fire, and when the gang leaders vehemently insist that you use water, he concludes that "Water is another option, my brothers (and sisters), 'cause you don't put out a fire with fire."
They joined him the next day in peaceful protest.
I believe that a core component of progressivism is practicing understanding and respect, not just when it's easy, but especially when it's hard. We share the DK space with individuals whose intention is to undermine and destabilize constructive conversation and action, in order to blunt the effectiveness of our work.
It would be much easier to identify those destabilizing forces if those who were committed to this community were able to have serious discussions about significantly different perspectives in an atmosphere of mutual respect, tolerance, and understanding.