What is poised to be the worst movie in the history of movies -- surpassing both the Twilight series and anything starring Fred Thompson -- comes on the Syfy Channel tonight at 9PM Eastern. And like most other national tragedies, as I posted on Tuesday, I plan to liveblog it in real time here on DailyKos.
Sharknado, starring Tara Reid and a bunch of other people nobody's ever heard of, is a love story wrapped up in a deep, three-dimensional plot filled with biting cultural and political commentary. This highly-rated film forces audiences and critics alike to reflect inward and search for the deep meaning of life, love, and how the metaphorical existence of a shark-filled tornado symbolizes everything from teenage angst to elderly unrequitted love.
HAHAHA. Just kidding. It's a tornado filled with fuckin' sharks that destroys half of Los Angeles. What else?
The backstory, as much as I've gathered, is that a hurricane traverses the west coast of the United States and piles a bunch of sharks up in the waters off California. A waterspout develops and sucks up all the sharks, then it moves over land, destroys things, the sharks eat people alive, and Syfy laughs all the way to the bank.
I plan to liveblog the
hilarity serious film as updates in this diary, much as I would during a severe weather liveblog. Enjoy. Or not.
5:56 PM PT: 7 minutes. The National Weather Service in Badmovieland, California has issued a sharknado warning for Los Angeles County. Residents can expect a sharknado, large hail, and several Razzie Award nominations.
6:02 PM PT: Here we go!
6:02 PM PT: Some guys on a boat are talking about drug money or something. Where's the sharknado dammit?
6:05 PM PT: The hurricane is violently rocking the boat back and forth. This is a metaphor for something.
6:06 PM PT: Movie time: 4 minutes
Guys eaten by sharks: 1
6:07 PM PT: Shark food count: 2 (or 3?)
6:07 PM PT: Now we cut to hot people on a beach surfing with their impeccably ripped bodies in order to keep us from remembering that we're actually watching this.
6:10 PM PT: NOO! WRONG! The hurricane was spinning the wrong way! clutches chest
6:13 PM PT: Badass surfer girl got eaten. Nobody's listening to the cries of "sharrrrks!"
6:15 PM PT: "Sharks! Everyone evacuate the beach!"
Totally a reason to evacuate the shops, roads, parking lots, and everything else nearby. Because sharks can walk on la--OH MY GOD.
6:18 PM PT: "It's the storm, they drove them north. They'll go back soon."
6:20 PM PT: Commercial break.
Fun fact: It would require the Pacific to warm up 20-30+ degrees off the coast of California for the ocean to support a hurricane striking the state, an unlikely feat due to upwelling.6:22 PM PT:
Favorite line of dialogue so far: "Sharks!" Thanks for that gem, Steve Sanders. #SharkNado— Stacy Cantor Abrams (@StacyAbramsEdit) July 12, 2013
6:22 PM PT: One of the characters is named "Finn." Come on.
6:27 PM PT: Sharks are busting through the windows of the bar and the Aussie and other guy and the hot woman are going to chase after them with guns. Wayne LaPierre is wetting himself.
6:28 PM PT: Injured guy feeds a shark a tank of oxygen, shoots it, and it blows up. That's never been done before. Cough.
I hate all these bandwagon fans watching #Sharknado on TV who didn't read all the books first— Benjy Sarlin (@BenjySarlin) July 12, 2013
6:37 PM PT: "Get back in your car, it's not safe out here!"
"It's just a little water."
You know he dead.
6:40 PM PT: It wouldn't be a cable movie if someone's head didn't pop like a grape mid-air.
This is heavy on the shark, low on the 'nado. So disappointed.
6:41 PM PT: I LOVE how nonchalant they are about there being zillions of sharks everywhere. They go between cool, calm, and collected and screaming like a tween at a Bieber concert.
6:45 PM PT: Shark shot out of a drainage pipe and flew into the swimming pool. Thanks, Obama.
6:45 PM PT: LMAO
"By the way, I'm not a stripper"
*cuts to commercial*
6:51 PM PT: They're all making a big deal about the flooding, but not the sharks flying around gnawing on people like fried chicken.
6:52 PM PT: "And now there's one in your swimming pool."
"Are you kidding? Sharks? In the swimming pool? That imp--"
*shark busts through window and eats the nonbeliever*
6:54 PM PT: They made a menstruation joke. Come on now. Those aren't funny, period.
6:56 PM PT: The only thing to stop a bad shark with a gun is a good shark with a gun.
6:58 PM PT: They're using the emergency alert system for the flood, but didn't mention the goddamn sharks. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE WHY IS THIS A NORMAL THING FOR YOU
7:03 PM PT: Sharks trying to bust through the school bus. Dammit, Mrs. Frizzle. You've really done it this time.
7:04 PM PT: All we're missing are the frickin' laser beams.
7:08 PM PT: The shark is climbing up the rope. Checkmate, creationists.
7:09 PM PT: SHARKNADO! It's about time.
7:11 PM PT: "Whew. I'm okay. Mom always told me that Hollywood would kill me."
*sheet metal cuts him in half*
I can't see my laptop I'm laughing so hard.
7:17 PM PT: It's a rainin' sharks. Hallelujah it's a rainin' sharks. Amen!
7:16 PM PT: The truck blowing up was almost as realistic as the sharkcipitation.
7:19 PM PT: "As the storm bears down, some religious officials are calling this a sign of the apocalypse."
ALL HAIL SHARKGOD.
7:21 PM PT: "Weather satellites are currently tracking three waterspouts offshore over the Pacific. Scientists are characterizing this as an EF-4, and could become an EF-5 after it comes ashore."
AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I can deal with raining sharks but not scientific inaccuracies like that sentence.
7:21 PM PT: From the comments:
If laughter is the best medicine (8+ / 0-)
this movie should be provided to everyone under Obamacare
by aepm on Thu Jul 11, 2013 at 10:05:24 PM EDT
7:23 PM PT: The sharknado is coming ashore in Van Nuys! The main actors look content with their impending deaths.
7:34 PM PT: Safety tip: don't ever hide from a tornado (or sharknado) in an airplane hangar or other really large room, unless you want to die. Small, interior rooms are the best. They protect you from flying debris, like boards or sharks.
7:35 PM PT: "Tornadoes happen when cold and warm air meet. If you drop a bomb in it, it might equalize it."
WHY DIDN'T I EVER THINK OF THAT? Doy.
7:45 PM PT: It's an EF-5hark! The National Weather Sharkvice will rate the carnage in the morning.
Let's recap: They're stealing a helicopter, flying it into the sharknado, and they're going to bomb it to neutralize the cold air because that's what creates tornadoes.
7:49 PM PT: The weather keeps alternating between nice and sunny, hurricane, and sharknado. I thought Alabama's weather swings were bad.
7:48 PM PT: "That's Johnni with an I!"
7:50 PM PT: Two sharknadoes down, one (?) to go. Let's see if the bomb works.
7:53 PM PT: "Who is that up there?"
"That's my son."
"You must be so proud."
"Yeah, I am."
Who the hell wouldn't be proud of their son for taking a hot girl up in a stolen helicopter to bomb a goddamn sharknado? Really.
7:54 PM PT: Hot girl falls out and gets eaten.
Guy goes "Ahhhh. Oh my god. No." with the most expressionless face.
Now the helicopter crashed. Oh god the drama.
7:55 PM PT: Falling shark just destroyed some tiles outside of Mann's Chinese Theater. How rude.
7:58 PM PT: The guy jumped down the throat of the shark with a chainsaw and saws his way out in the slowest and bloodiest way possible while his family looks on with astonished glee.
Family bonding. <3
7:58 PM PT: WHOA PLOT TWIST! Hot girl from helicopter is alive because the shark swallowed her whole. The son doesn't die a virgin after all.
8:00 PM PT: The sky suddenly clears up and all the old folks hobble out of the retirement home to admire the sunset.
8:01 PM PT: FIN.
A pun to end the movie. How sweet.
Thanks for watching the Sharknado with me, everyone. Hope you enjoyed it. I sure as hell did -- never laughed so hard at a bad Z-list movie.