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You have looked directly into her eyes. Now your fate is sealed.
I'm going to miss Rep. Michele Bachmann after she's gone. There's really only a few other prominent Republicans—well, a few dozens, two or three hundred tops—who have such a tight connection to the conservative fringe and who aren't afraid to let their fringe flag fly. Here she is explaining her opposition to "amnesty," if "explaining" is really the right word to use here:
It's my prediction that the House Republicans could put themselves in a position where they could actually lose the gavel in 2014. Because I think the president—even by executive order—can again wave his magic wand before 2014, and he'd say now, all of the new legal Americans are going to have voting rights. Why do I say that? He did it in 2012! Do you remember, he—anyone who was here as a Latina under, uh, age 30, he said "You get to vote!" What? He decides you get to vote?
Not sure what she's going on about, but she's apparently made up a new magical power that gives the president the impressive supposed ability to give non-citizens voting rights, a right usually reserved only for American citizens and certain large energy companies. This is done, as is befitting all imaginary things, via pointed magic stick. As for the separate conspiracy theory about how he already did that last November with young female brown folks that's largely unparsable, but sounds suspiciously like an ACORN and/or lightbulb and/or Illuminati-based theory. She's saying this to World Net Daily, though, I'm sure they know exactly which one of their 20 different conspiracy theories on that subject she might be talking about. These people have a language unknown to us mere mortals.

After that goes on to say that these new magic-wand-enabled suspiciously non-white voters will allow Democrats to control the House, Senate and White House in 2014, at which point the wolf will eat the sheep and the lion will punch the lamb and the few remaining Republicans will rove the landscape looking for scraps of food and cursing their new magic-having overlords. And the only way to avoid this new dystopia of the president waving his magic wand and allowing all the non-citizens to go to the voting ball in a giant voting pumpkin is to put him through a Congressional Spanking Machine and good lord I just do not even know how her mind works but:

This is working for the president. It's not working for the American people, but it's—hey, it's great by him, he has a perpetual magic wand and nobody's given him a spanking yet and taken it out of his hand. That's what Congress needs to do, give the president a major wake-up call, and the way we spank the president is we do it through the checkbook. We're the ones who say, "No, you can't have the money!" What's wrong with us?
Woo, boy.

All right, what have we learned? We learned that magic wands are subject to congressional budget resolutions, so that's something. We've learned that spanking beats magic, which never came up in the Harry Potter series but which really would have saved some considerable time had it been implemented. And we've learned that the reason the current Congress is so incompetent that they cannot even manage to keep the government running is because they are all off in their own little fantasy worlds, worlds of imaginary conspiracy theories that can be seen only by them, can be explained only by them, and set right only by them.

I don't suppose America would agree to just staging an important vote to lure them and then locking them all in the building forever as America's best-appointed loony bin? We could send food in through the mail slots, and we'd even keep the cameras running so that they would not die due to lack of media exposure.

Originally posted to Hunter on Mon Jul 15, 2013 at 01:00 PM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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