Like many patriotic 2nd Amendment heroes, George Zimmerman was a victim of a common problem: A black man stole his bullet. We've all seen it before: A black man walks down a sidewalk without permission or police escort, has the unmitigated audacity to defend himself when attacked, and then compounds the crime by getting in the way of an All-American citizen's bullet. Then the citizen has to go through all sorts of rigamarole and paperwork to get their bullet back, effectively depriving them of the raw material value of the slug for potentially years on end without compensation.
Well now that horrifying injustice is finally being addressed, as George Zimmerman has announced before an ecstatic crowd of NRA supporters that he intends to sue the Martin family for economic damages and emotional distress over the loss of his bullet. "The suffering and anguish of gun owners whose bullets have been stolen by black corpses must end," said Zimmerman at a press event, after showing reporters his collection of individually-named bullets that he described as being "lonely" for their lost compatriot.
The lawsuit accuses the Martin family of perniciously conspiring to clothe Trayvon in a hoodie and house him in a neighborhood where he would get shot, thus arranging the circumstances that would result in Zimmerman's devastating loss of a cherished bullet. "We just want to recover the remains of 9mm Betsy so that she can have a proper place of honor on George's mantle," said his attorney. "And the least the Martin family can do after their role in this tragedy is to compensate Mr. Zimmerman for his pain and suffering. These bullets are like family to him, and it's monstrous to deprive someone of a family member."
The Martin family, meanwhile, has responded by praying for Zimmerman and asking God to forgive him. When asked for comment, God muttered something about Zimmerman being an unanticipated consequence of the evolution of herpes, and redirected inquiries to his secretary who released a form statement: "His Utterly Everythingness regrets the suffering of the Martin family and the blindness of George Zimmerman, but promises that time heals all wounds and cures all stupidities or your money back." The Almighty's statement inspired outrage in gun activist circles, with the NRA declaring it to be "Just another assault on the 2nd Amendment" by a "pathetic liberal sissy spirit" and endorsing Carthaginian deity Baal as a replacement.
In a separate suit, Zimmerman is attempting to claim Trayvon Martin's body as a hunting trophy, citing both modern-day hunting laws and pre-Civil War statutes regarding the capture of fugitive slaves. "Mr. Zimmerman has every right to claim the body as his trophy under Florida law," said Zimmerman's attorney in the press release accompanying the suit. "Throughout the process, from tracking, stalking, and execution, Mr. Zimmerman's kill was an excellent example of sportsmanship. Surely the Martin family wouldn't be so rude and un-American as to deny such a reasonable request?"
In a tangentially related story, an African-American man coincidentally also named George Zimmerman (no relation) was arrested, charged, tried, and convicted of capital murder in Florida yesterday for punching a white man several years ago who recently died of cancer. This Zimmerman (whom we will call Z2) had caught the victim, coincidentally named Taylor Martin, in his house raping and beating his wife and screaming "I'm 'on kill yee! I'm 'on kill yee!" with swastika and Confederate flag tattoos all over his body, and the enraged and terrified husband proceeded to punch him once, causing the man to run away and report the assault to the police.
Z2 was at the time arrested, charged, tried, and convicted of attempted murder the same day and spent the next several years in prison, but was released due to a clerical error when prison officials thought he was the George Zimmerman involved in the Trayvon Martin case. When Taylor Martin died of cancer, however, Z2 was arrested for his murder as the punching he received could very easily have contributed somehow to the development of the cancer. Z2 is scheduled to be executed today under Florida's new speedy execution law...(lights dim)...and there he goes.
The George Zimmerman in the Trayvon Martin case, however, has been nominated by the Republican Party to run its new African American outreach program, that Republicans have called the Conservative Organizing Outreach Node. Surprisingly, the program has generated little interest in the African American community. GOP-run legislatures across America have been inspired by the lawsuits to pass legislation guaranteeing 2nd Amendment supporters a share in their kills' worldly possessions as a reward for brave citizenship, so long as the "racial arithmetic" adds up to "justified". These bills prescribe the following standard:
Black: 1 point
Brown: 2 points
White: 3 points
Rich: Add 1 point
Poor: Subtract 1 point
Total up the points of the shooter and the "shootee" and subtract the latter from the former. If the result is a positive number, the shooting was justified and the hero was a brave Good Guy defending the community from a lowlife criminal. If the result is a negative number, the shooting was a cold-blooded murder by a cowardly criminal against an innocent victim. If the result is 0, the decision as to whether it was justified will boil down to (gag) the facts of the case rather than race and money. Governor Rick Scott (R-FL) is expected to sign the standard into law in a ceremony later this week.
9:08 AM PT: Oh boy, it seems I've offended the Libertarian gun nuts who now apparently dictate the consensus around here.
9:55 AM PT: This place seriously needs an infusion of liberals, stat.