Do any of you know the Shel Silverstein book, The Giving Tree? It tells the story of a relationship between a (female) tree and her (male) visitor, who encounters the tree as a child and comes again and again to the tree for sustenance. To me, it’s a not-very-subtle metaphor for a mother-son relationship, and from my perspective the ultimate message is not a happy one. (Spoiler alert) At the end of the book, the tree has consented to be chopped down so to be able to provide for her “son” one last time.
I suspect that many of you are Silverstein fans, and I agree that he has a gift for poetry. But this particular book has always repulsed me, even before I was a mother myself. Must mothers give the very last drop of blood they have for the sake of their children?
Now, admittedly, if the need warranted I hope I would be self-sacrificing enough to give my life for my children. But the hard truth is two-fold. One is that there are actually very few instances where that degree of self-abnegation is required, or even helpful. Two is that losing the mother, often the family anchor, may in turn produce long-lasting negative effects on the surviving children. This is particularly true when they are young, or have special needs, or there is no other parent or prospective guardian available.
Or at least, that what I thought. Now I am beginning to understand the political and economic realities on the ground more clearly. My second observation remains basically unchanged: For a family to lose a mother generally has devastating effects on the surviving children. That's especially true nowadays as social services become more and more limited. But the first conclusion is no longer as valid, even if the choice presented is just as awful. Because tonyahky's situation illustrates that for more and more mothers in this country, it really is becoming a choice between her children or her life.
We’ve been fundraising this week on behalf of tonyahky, who for several months has been in the terrible predicament of not being able to care properly for herself because she has no one else to help her care for her children. (Please see Aji’s diary for the full explanation of why that is such a crucial matter.)
I do not know the particulars of Tonya’s medical situation, but I did have a similar experience a couple of years ago with a uterine tumor. Thus I can speak about some aspects of my situation to suggest how it might be lately for Tonya. I’m sorry if this is unpleasant information for you to read, but it may bring home how hard Tonya may be having to struggle to keep things together for her family.
Fibroids and other tumors in the uterus act like irritants, in effect, and they disrupt the proper formation of the endometrial lining. One of the major symptoms then is uncontrollable, heavy bleeding that can go on day after day after day. In my case, the (non-fibroid) tumor I had caused bleeding for months. That’s not unusual, frankly, though it is distressing and dangerous. I have several friends who've had to consider whether to have a hysterectomy because of fibroids, and for them as well the excessive bleeding has been the most troubling symptom. Just the bleeding alone can be heavy enough to send one to the ER, and/or produce serious and debilitating anemia.
That’s bad enough, and scary enough. But a tumor, after it reaches a certain size, is simply damned uncomfortable. It’s a big lump that’s not supposed to be there, and the uterus cramps, and cramps, and cramps around it. All the time. The bigger it is, the more painful--and Tonya's is about the size of a small cantaloupe. One of the most welcome consequences of having my own tumor removed was the cessation of that awful, constant pain.
Fatigue is another common symptom for women with uterine tumors. Ongoing weariness is a drain on the system going beyond the bleeding and the cramping. The body's resources are diverted more than they would otherwise be to coping with this disruptive presence, to say nothing of the disrupted sleep caused by pain, loss of blood, and worry.
We are all hoping for the best for Tonya, but there is also a possibility (fortunately, a relatively small one) that her tumor could be malignant. Anyone who has had to cope with that worry knows that the waiting itself is stressful, as Patriot Daily News Clearinghouse attested. That determination either way cannot be made without the surgery she so desperately needs—the very procedure she has put off for months for the lack of back-up care for her children. And as we know, the longer one waits to get a diagnosis of cancer, the greater the potential for a later stage and more difficult treatment.
Tonya has the medical care costs covered. But the care she needs at home for her daughter to give her the time and rest she will need to recover properly is something she must pay for out of pocket. Kitsap River explained how arduous recovery from major abdominal surgery can be. (Unfortunately, Tonya's particular circumstances rule out a robotic or laparoscopic procedure; I asked.) There is no safety net for a single mom of special-needs children that will catch her in this crisis. And therefore she is stuck between that proverbial rock and a hard place, as Sara R put it--that is, between taking care of her health and seeing to the needs of her children.
What sort of choice is that? How inhumane are we as a society to make that necessary for anyone?
Since we are likely all familiar with the old pacifist poster, “Wouldn’t it be great if the Army had to hold bake sales to pay for their bombs?” I think that the answer to those rhetorical questions is clear. We are only as moral of a society as we choose to be, and on the macro level we are not doing a very good job. “Family-friendly” social supports, financial or otherwise, are non-existent in most states, since we’ve been forced toward the lowest common denominator of policies that insist You’re On Your Own.
On the micro level, however, as individuals who come together for political action, we can do and are doing much better. I see it as a privilege to be part of a community here that sees a need and responds to it, whether it’s to comparatively anonymous people who receive the Shelter Boxes (h/t TexMex) or to Kossacks.
We are very close to meeting the goal we set of $5000 toward Tonya’s caregiving expenses for the time she will be incapacitated. Our best estimate is that we have another $1185 to raise to reach our goal. NOW ONLY $615 to go!!! Please consider what you can do to help this effort. Every rec, tip, tweet, FB post and contribution makes a difference.
Thank you.
Donation guidelines after the jump....
Please help Tonya by donating in one of the following three ways:
1. PayPal: weckworth [at] earthlink [dot] net.
2. Personal checks can be written out to Kossack Charles CurtisStanley (Kitsap River's husband and Aji's brother). Kosmail Aji for the address and Kitsap River's phone number, should you wish to verify it.
3. Sending money orders via the U.S. Postal Service and Western Union, because many check-cashing outlets apparently won't cash personal checks (in addition to the problem of their outrageous fees). Kossack jpmassar tells Aji that after checking rates, the USPS ones have much lower fees. Kosmail Aji for Tonya's snail-mail address.
However you donate, please include the following notation as she needs a receipt for charitable donations to maintain her ability to get the surgery:
"This is a charitable donation for the medical care of the family of Tonya Harris."
Again, thank you for your kindness. It will come back to you, of that I am sure.
Tonya
12:15 PM PT: Our best available estimates now show that we need only $615 to meet our goal!!!!
Thank you, everyone, for your support of tonyahky and her family in every way that you have offered it. Thanks to our donors for the tangible support your gifts represent.