Embattled Iowa Representative Steven King announced today that he would atone for remarks about "Mexican drug mules with calves the size of cantaloupes" by backing an ambitious $30 million program to identify and cultivate future Olympic medalists in the Latino community.
"I think that this is an excellent pathway to citizenship," he told a Washington press conference.
"These people are the pick of the litter, and I mean that with all due respect. Everything from soccer to track and field--no offense--we're going to recruit for naturalization. If your name's Jose and you're built like running back Earl Campbell from the waist down, we want to talk to you."
King assured the public that his Republican colleagues would back his sincere effort to make amends by voting an appropriate bill from committee when Congress re-adjourns in fall.
"Of course, there'll have to be strict drug testing, but I don't see why we can't start seeing some medals by the next summer games. And as soon as we can design some ski boots that fit them, I bet we're going to see some winter iron from them, too, by 2020."
Speedy Gonzales was unavailable for comment.