I’ve been unemployed for a long time, a really long time. I am broke, and gonna have to apply for food stamps soon. I really feel bad about this. Since I have so much time on my hands--being long-term unemployed and all--I’m working on some small business ideas.
I saw a special last night on Fox News called “The Great Food Stamp Binge”, about lazy bums on food stamps. Being on food stamps has become a mortal sin, at least in the eyes of Fox and fans. So this gave me an idea: If you are depraved enough to require foodstamps, it’s about time to demonstrate some remorse over it.
Getting Food Stamps Means Forever Saying "I'm Sorry"
Penitent Fashions let us show how grateful we are for the taxpayers’ help, and how remorseful we feel about having to ask for it.
Penitent fashion is especially fitting for those trips to the grocery store when you need to purchase food with foodstamps in front of disapproving strangers. While they are evaluating the contents of your shopping cart, your fashion statement tells them, “I feel really bad about being poor and don’t deserve this pint of ice cream”.
I plan to start small. First, a line of hairshirts, and sack cloth dresses. Then I can move into accessories, such as self-flagellation whips.
Remember that 45% of all foodstamp recipients are hungry kids. Let everyone know how sorry they are to be on foodstamps with a full line of kid's penitent play clothes.