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News from the Plains: All this RED can make you BLUE

Jim Inhofe's Greatest Hits
by Barry Friedman

It's Obama's fault.
But isn't it always?

"I went home and I talked to my wife and I said you know we've got a serious problem here, we're going to have this guy around for four more years. I just can't bail out now."
And with that Senator Inhofe (R-Oklahoma) decided to seek (and will undoubtedly receive) a fourth term, frustrating the plans of both First District Congressman Jim Bridenstine, who would have run (trust me on this), and state Democrats, of which there are 18. In fact, as long as there is even one gun, one gay, and one God left in this country, Jim Inhofe will be senator of Oklahoma until it secedes from the union--about the time Hillary Clinton is sworn-in.

So for those who don't experience the sociological, scientific, and sexual scholarship of James Mountain (his actual middle name) Inhofe as frequently as we do here in the Sooner State, I give you his Greatest Hits.

On Global Warming And You Godless Infidels

"Well actually the Genesis 8:22 that I use in there is that “as long as the earth remains there will be springtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night.” My point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous."
On Africa, Part 1: An Admission
“I’m guilty of two things. I’m a Jesus guy, and I have a heart for Africa.”
On The OKC bombing and Gummint Workers
"We are not sure how many federal employees are missing because we don't know how many were playing hooky."
On 9/11 and The Jews
"One of the reason I believe the spiritual door was opened for an attack against the United States of America," Inhofe huffed, "is that the policy of our government has been to ask the Israelis, and demand it with pressure, not to retaliate in a significant way against the terrorist strikes that have been launched against them."
On Benghazi and Someone Please Get Nixon Out of Hell
“Of all the great cover-ups in history — the Pentagon papers, the Iran-Contra, Watergate and all the rest of them — this … is going to go down as the most serious, the most egregious cover-up in American history,”
On Africa, Part 2: Must Feed Dogs
"In some countries in Africa, they throw away mostly young baby girls. Then after about 3 days, when they die, the dogs get them. We were there before the dogs got there."
On President Obama and The Vulnerable Youngens
"Never in the history of our country have we had a president with so much disdain for every institution that made America great," he said. "I can't leave my 20 kids and grandkids out there alone. I'm going to do all I can to stop this trend in this country."
On Al Gore and Girl Ostriches
“He wants the world to put its head in the sand and pretend nothing's happening. It reminds me of the two boy ostriches chasing the two girl ostriches. They're chasing them, the one girl ostrich said, 'What do we do? They said, let's hide so each girl ostrich stuck their head in the hole and the boy ostriches gallop up to the clearing and one of them said, 'Where did the girls go?' This is what we're looking at here. They're hiding their head in the sand and Gore's writing this op-ed."
On Parades and the Jesus Float
"I am hopeful that the good people of Tulsa and the city's leadership will demand a correction to this shameful attempt to take Christ, the true reason for our celebration, out of the parade's title. Until the parade is again named the Christmas Parade of Lights, I will not participate."

On Africa, Part 3: Those That Don't Get Fed to the Dogs

During his half-hour speech before the Tulsa Metro Chamber at the Doubletree Hotel at Warren Place, Inhofe called the United Nations an "absolute disaster" whose peacekeepers in Africa have been "going around teaching girls to be prostitutes."
On Gays, the Military, and Dating Smart
Inhofe also reassured his audience that the lifting of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding gay service members has not “legalized bestiality” in the military.

He explained that, although gay people may now “go in the military, go wide open and use that for their agenda,” sex with animals is still outlawed by military code.

“When you go out and talk to people on the street, they’ll tell you, ‘Oh, they’ve legalized bestiality,’ … but that hasn’t changed.”

On Hillary Clinton and Women When They Get All Bitchy and Shit
“I think that she has gotten by with that type of a forceful attitude, something that’s not normally accustomed — that you don’t hear from women as much as you do men. And she came out so forcefully, and you could tell that it was orchestrated at the time that she said it."
On Family Purity and Inhofe Men in Flannel and Corduroy
“As you see here, and I think this is maybe the most important prop [family photo] we’ll have during the entire debate, my wife and I have been married 47 years. We have 20 kids and grandkids. I'm really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we've never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship.”
On Africa, Part 4: Who Da Man?
"I know Africa, probably better than anyone else, certainly in the United States Senate. I’ve spent a lot of time over there, I’ve developed close relations over there."
Jim Inhofe

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