It took me a while but after a few false leads, I finally connected with Col. Rufus T. Fairbush, a militia superstar and spokesman for the Tea Party base. With Armageddon looming, I asked Fairbush about why the base was standing firm its desire to shut down the government, default on the national debt and likely drive the world economy off a cliff if its demands weren't met. Fairbush, who asked that his location not be revealed or that his real name not be used because he's gone underground to avoid government agents out to silence him and send him to a FEMA concentration camp, said it was important as a matter of principle to "destroy the country to save it from the lethal menace of Obamaism."
There was more. Fairbush said the fight to stop Obamacare and evil government was a necessary prelude to a "glorious" Real American rebirth of eventual secession from the wicked federal government.
Me: Why are you afraid of Obamacare and allowing millions of Americans to get health insurance?
The Base: It's a trap, a Trojan Horse designed to seduce us. This socialized health care slavery aims to strip us of liberty and our god given right to die without good health care and in poverty. When poverty wins, liberty triumphs.
Who said that?
So sayeth the righteous oracles from Fox News, Sarah Palin and The Americans for Prosperity of the Koch Brothers. We don't need food stamps that turn us into government addicts and we won't back down from our right to die from a lack of health care or having to go bankrupt from medical bills we can't afford because we don't want Obama and his minions getting between me or my daughter and my doctor. After all, if people don't die from lack of health care and children don't starve, how can we create inspiring stories of liberty for those who reject Obama's candy. Fox News, Sarah Palin, and Americans for the Prosperity of the Koch Brothers tell us we can't wave the white flag of surrender. Obamacare is the next step to the full implementation of Obamaism Which will silence and enslave all Real American patriots. But we will stop it because we now have hard evidence that Obama was born in Indonesia and Kenya simultaneously and personally led the attack on Benghazi.
Are you concerned about being perceived as too angry and incoherent?
That's a loaded question full of liberal bias. We blame our incoherence on our blinding hatred of Obama who drives us to madness daily by his mere existence. Don't you get it? Incoherence is the secret to our success. We believe our Imbecile Caucus in Congress has served us well by rejecting facts and creating a fantasy world we cam embrace. We care nothing about the rest of the American public who are squeamish moochers and takers. They don't understand the innovation and courage required to take the country hostage, shut down the government and destroy the world economy because it's the right thing to do to stop Obamacare and Obamaism. We can't give into appeasement. We are proud not to understand how Obamacare works and encourage more people to follow our lead of in ignorance we trust.
I thought you valued the Constitution? The American people spoke in the 2012 election, didn't they? Obamacare is the law of the of the land.
Not of our land. Those losers don't speak for us. Your form of moocher democracy really doesn't work anymore for us because there are more of you than of us. To protect our rights as a vanishing minority we must resort to scaring everyone by pretending to be insane hostage takers.
Are you pretending to be insane hostage takers?
This is a serious temper tantrum. Are you ready to find out if we are kamikaze pilots who will fly into our own ships?
Fairbush brought the telephone interview to a quick end because he was afraid of being "triangulated" by Obama tracking stations. I thanked him for his time and then he asked me a question: "if the government shuts down and the economy crashes, will my Social Security checks keep coming and what will happen to my Medicare coverage?"
(In interests of full satirical disclosure, the writer borrowed Col. Rufus T. Fairbush from his recently-published political satire, The Execution Channel: A Political Fable, which readers tell him becomes more prophetic with each passing, amazingly absurd day.)