Help Me
By John Boehner, Speaker of the House of Representatives
Help me. Please, God, help me. I’ve lost control and I need help.
The Onion juxtaposes Boehner's actual Op-Ed with a supposed counterpoint editorial written by John Boehner. Satire supreme!
They haunt my dreams at night. I have this one nightmare where I’m about to ask for a vote on a clean continuing resolution and then one of them—I think it’s Steve King from Iowa—looks at me with this eerie smile and says, “No, John. No you won’t.” And then the rest of them are suddenly standing behind him and they all chant in a chilling monotone, “No, John. No you won’t.” And then I wake up screaming, “No, John!!! No you won’t!!!” and I’m crying, and my wife is crying, and I’ve sweat through my sheets.
Poor, poor John. And to think
Did you know I was once known as a relatively moderate, shrewd politician? That was before 2010. Before the horror began.