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Last night, Jon Stewart continued his verbal beatings on Congressional Republicans for causing the government shutdown, and John Oliver explained why they actually WON'T face a backlash from this.

Let's begin tonight with the only story anyone's talking about, the government shutdown, or as we're calling it:

"Oh, why didn't I tuck?"

Look, I may have over the past few days, leading up to and through the government shutdown, thrown around some rather derisive terms to describe those in Congress who have decided to not fund the government because a passed law they don't like went into effect.  I might have mentioned the word idiots.  Dunderheads.  Morons.  I may have... hold on, let me just check some of the names....  (takes out folder of names)

(audience cheering and applause)

I may have referred to them as fartknockers.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Fartknockers.  Babies.  Babies who eat their own poop.  Babies who eat their own poop and then poop out that poop and then hold that poop up in the air and yell, "YOU AGAIN?!?"  And then eat that poop.  (audience laughter)  I may have called them on this very program Taintsniff McGillicuddies.

I guess my point is, I'd like to apologize.  Because I realized I may have been way too easy on them.  (audience cheering and applause)  Two days into the government shutdown that the House Republicans, they themselves, caused, they had the balls to take to the people's chamber and complain about the shutdown's effects.  And lest you think that their complaints echoed concerns about the shutdown hurting our nation's most vulnerable citizens, rest assured these bald eagle fellaters (audience laughter) had other things on their mind.

REP. MIKE SIMPSON, R-ID (10/1/2013): Families who long ago made plans to visit Yosemite or Yellowstone or the Statue of Liberty found these sites and others shuttered today.  This is an impact on real people.

REP. TIM WALBERG, R-MI (10/1/2013): I went to E-Verify.  This is a computer program.  E-Verify is unavailable due to the government shutdown.  It's a computer!  The Panda Cam at the zoo was shut down.  That's a camera!  It's not a federal employee.

"I mean, there I am in my panda costume, all set to masturbate, and I turn on the Panda Cam, and nothin'!  Now I feel like a jackass!  What am I supposed to do?  Masturbate to koalas?  I mean, come on!  You can't do that, their eyes are too sad and judgmental.  Don't judge me!  You eat eucalyptus.  Fuck you!!"

(audience laughter and applause)

I'm insinuating a Congressman masturbates to pictures of pandas.

More galling than the House Republicans' misplaced ill-prioritized outrage is their insistence that the party that has run for the last 40 years or so on the idea that the government is the enemy, is saddened to see the government crippled like this.

SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (10/1/2013): I didn't come here to shut down the government.

REP. MARLIN STUTZMAN, R-IN (10/1/2013): It's clear that President Obama and Harry Reid would rather shut the government down...

REP. RANDY WEBER, R-TX (9/30/2013): For them to come down and say that this is a Republican shutdown, is unbelievable.

REP. ROB WOODALL, R-GA (9/30/2013): And I'm here to tell you I want to keep the government open.

REP. TREY GOWDY, R-SC (9/30/2013): We don't want the government to shut down.  that narrative is false.

REP. VIRGINIA FOXX, R-NC (9/29/2013): It's only the Democrats who talk about wanting to shut down the government.

(sneezes)  Bullshit!  (audience cheering and applause)

I'm sorry, I sneezed there for a second.  I apologize.  I meant to say, "Bullshit".

When?  When did the big-government Democrats become the no-government Democrats, you self-righteous Orwellian zebra queefs?  (audience laughter)  You know what kind of score that would get me in Scrabble?  Zebra queefs.

Six weeks ago, there was a letter that floated the idea of using, to paraphrase James Madison, the power of the purse as a weapon to redress grievances.  Laying out a plan to "de-fund the implementation and enforcement of Obamacare in any... continuing appropriations bill".  Essentially saying, if you ever want to see your beloved Panda Cam again, you will lose Obamacare.

That letter was signed by 80 Congresspeople, all of them House Republicans.  It's the most obvious giveaway of what they were planning since that guy on Prison Break showed up in jail with a map of the jail tattooed on him!  What are you planning?  (audience applause)

So, enough.  Enough pretending.  Stop trying to photo-op your way out of responsibility for this catstrophuck.

REP. ERIC CANTOR, R-VA (10/1/2013): All of us here, sitting at a table, waiting for the Senate Democrats to join us, so we can begin to resolve our differences.

I mean, look at these guys.  They look like a focus group for a high-fiber breakfast cereal.  I'm kidding.  Actually, that group looks like the Republican congressional committee for women's health issues.  (wild audience cheering and applause)

By the way, what was this meeting three years ago, when you sat down with the President to hash out your differences?

I mean, I can't tell if you inflexible Golden Age of America that never actually existed fetishizing... zebra queefs — I'm gonna reuse zebra queefs — I can't tell if these guys are dumb, or think we are.  So to answer that question, we're joined by Senior Political Analyst John Oliver.  John, thank you so much for joining us.

JON STEWART: You know, I look at these guys, these House Republicans, they were clamoring for months and months, "We're gonna defund Obamacare, or we're not gonna fund the budget."  And now they're out there saying, "What?  We didn't want anything to do with this."  Do they think we're stupid, are they stupid, what's going on?

JOHN OLIVER: It's quite simple, Jon.  It is the last one.  They think you're stupid.  And not just you.  Everybody.

JON STEWART: But these guys are risking a tremendous backlash.

JOHN OLIVER: No, no, no, let me correct you there.  They're actually risking absolutely nothing.  Look, Congress already has a 90% incumbency rate.  And by the way, that goes along with a 10% approval rating.  The only previous instance of that level of disapproval combined with that level of market retention is Time Warner Cable.  (audience laughter and applause)

JON STEWART: Oh wow.

JOHN OLIVER: That's the only on-record instance.

JON STEWART: You're saying, if I'm hearing you correctly, you're saying Congress is the Time Warner Cable of democracies.

JOHN OLIVER: Yeah, I know that's incredibly harsh.  But it's also incredibly fair.  But, through the time-honored tradition of electoral corruption and gerrymandering, these 80 Tea Party Republicans are literally electorally invincible.  Jon, let me prove it to you.  Take a look at this.  What do you think this is?

JON STEWART: Wow.  Uh... I'm gonna say a witch being electrocuted inside a bat's vagina.

JOHN OLIVER: It's a good guess.  You're close.  It's actually Louisiana's 6th Congressional District.

Obviously, it makes no physical sense.  But when it was redrawn in 2010, its white majority increased from 60 to 74%, taking it from Republican to turbo-Republican.  And it's represented by Bill Cassidy, one of the 80 reps who signed that letter, and who won in 2012 with a Saddam Hussein-like near-70% margin of victory.  He's just one of Congress's dangerous new breed of super-incumbents.

(BruinKid note: It's true, Cassidy won in 2012 with 79.41% of the vote against two challengers, a libertarian and an independent, who each got about 10% of the vote.  Cassidy won by almost 70 points.)

JON STEWART: So even if his actions are unpopular at a national level, he pays no price electorally.

JOHN OLIVER: No, he's an electoral X-Man, Jon!  He cannot be defeated!  So he can shut down the government, or refuse to raise the debt ceiling.  He could poison a basket of kittens in front of another basket of kittens, Jon, just to make them watch!  He could do anything, so long as Obama didn't help him do it, and he'd be fine.

JON STEWART: This is....  I think, our only hope, and I say this....

JOHN OLIVER: Go ahead, I wanna hear it.

JON STEWART: Enough of the remaining Republican Congressmen sack up and combine with enough Democrats to go up against these mutants and electorally wipe them out for good, for the good of our representative democracy.  I think that's our only hope.

(both start laughing hysterically at how preposterous that notion is)

JOHN OLIVER: That's funny!

JON STEWART: John Oliver, everybody!  We'll be right back.

Video below the fold.

Lewis Black then looked at the anti-gay comments from Barilla Pasta's CEO.
Meanwhile, Stephen harkened back to the 1995 shutdown and looked at how Fox News is spinning the shutdown.
Stephen then did a masterful takedown of Bill O'Reilly for essentially claiming God told him to write "Killing Jesus", which he claims is more accurate than the Bible.
Jon talked with actress Sandra Bullock, and Stephen talked with MSNBC's Chris Matthews.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Thu Oct 03, 2013 at 11:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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