Air travel is hard enough these days, what with the invasive TSA, cramped seats, less-than stellar service in the air, and surprise charges everywhere. But my fellow travelers, sometimes all that pales in comparison to you. Please, please don't do these things when you travel by air!
1. Act dicombobulated in the screening line. Please have your stuff ready so you don't have to futz with it before it goes into the machine! It happens fast, but it's pretty simple. First, you show your driver's license and ticket to the TSA guy, who puts it under the special light, checks your license to se if you still look like you, and marks your ticket as having been checked. Then you follow a line to the plastic bins and take your shoes off. I dump everything into my sport jacket, put that in the bin, and put my shoes upside-down on top of it. Laptop goes in a separate bin next. Laptop bag after that. Grab the shoes on the other side of the scanner, toss them on, toss on the jacket, put the laptop back, voila, I'm done.
Of course, I do this often. If I'm behind you and I can see you're elderly or not used to flying, I take it in stride. I always leave myself enough time to catch my plane.
2. Lose track of where your bags are going. I'm not fond of getting bumped by your rollaway or backpack while I'm standing waiting to board the plane, or while you're passing by me when I'm sitting on the plane's aisle. Situational awareness, folks! This is common curtesy.
3. Pack so much into your carry-on you can't get it into the overhead bin. Look, I know airlines make it a habit to screw passengers over by charging $20 or more for each checked bag, and who wants to run the risk of losing bags in transit? But don't pack so much into that bag it weighs as much as you do, or, god help us all, falls out of your grip onto us. If I see you, Ms. My-Bag's-Too-Big, I'll do my best to help you out, but only if I see it coming.
4. Dither while you're standing in the aisle. This goes with #3, above, but some folks just take their damned time doing this and that while blocking everyone else getting onto the plane. Don't. Sit down, now.
5. Yak at full volume. Look, I'm sure where you went shopping yesterday, which beach you swam at and who you drank too much with last night is very interesting. Just not to me. Have a drink, take a pill, go to sleep.
6. Let your kid kick my seat from behind. Particularly after I ask you, politely, three times not to let him do it. I like kids but hate parents who can't handle 'em. I might get nasty and yell at you.
I don't include screaming babies in this category, though they can be a nuisance. Babies are like wild animals; they have a mind of their own and can't be reasoned with. Some babies can really cut through my headphones with athe Charges and Colts at near-full volume, but that's life, I guess.
7. Fart in your seat. Really, nothing is nastier than taking a nice-full deep breath of your darker side. You might think no one notices, especially if you have your tiny little personal air vent going on you at full blast, but trust me - everyone does. Not to mention that that stuff is flammable. Do us all a favor - hold it until you leave thei plane, or go into the lavatory and let fly. Or better yet, don't eat the cheese, beans and raw vegetables before you fly.
8. Play your personal stereo so loud everyone can hear that tinny little squeak your earphones make. We're all happy you like Depeche Mode and Katy Perry, but the rest of us mostly find you annoying.
9. Argue with the flight crew. Trust me, you won't win. And you just make them surlier when they get to me.
10. Lean your head against me when you fall asleep. I can't sleep on a plane, so I'm not entirely happy you can. My deal, I know, but there it is. Plus, I'm not really enjoying the contact. Well, maybe if you were a supermodel. But you know what? Not even then, because if I'm flying away from home on business, I'm thinking about having to leave my wife, and if I'm flying back home from business, I'm thinking about seeing her again. And if we're on vacation, well hey, she's right there. So we're back to not letting your head rest against me when you fall asleep.
11. Finally, strike up a conversation with me while I have my headphones on. I'm into something else already, OK? Except maybe if I'm stuck between you and your husband, and he looks to be in a foul mood, and you look like you need someone to talk to. But that doesn't happen very often. If you're that person, no worries; everyone else, no.
Thanks for doing your part to make my flight more enjoyable. I'll do everything I can to return the favor.