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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

The Gathering Storm Gathers Storminess

Yesterday men started marrying men and women started marrying women as marriage equality arrived in New Jersey---the 14th state to turn its back on the Levitical way things oughtta be. Senator-elect and Obama's deputy anti-christ Cory Booker even stayed up 'til midnight so he could aid and abet the sinners at City Hall in Newark, where he remains mayor for a bit longer. (His ultimate goal, of course: world domination.)

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA Pomeranian dog
"Who's my wittle devil doggy? You's
my wittle devil doggy? Yes you is!"
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While many people are overjoyed by this development, others are not. So I'm here with a few words of advice for you hardcore Garden State conservatives who know what's coming next: locusts, plagues, flying toaster ovens, roving packs of mad Pomeranians, young people not batting an eye, wedding planners getting gay phone calls and, worst of all, a redefinition of marriage.

When Maine approved gay marriage last November, we went through the same thing, and we worked out an emergency action plan that has served us well. To protect yourself, follow these simple steps:

1) Stop! Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, STOP! Stay perfectly still. Don’t blink. Don’t breathe. Don’t text I SAID DON'T TEXT OR YOU'LL GET US ALL NOT KILLED!

2) Drop! Get on the floor! Do it now! Down Down Down!!! Flat as a pancake! Your belief system is at stake here!!!

3) Roll! Back and forth! Back and forth! Keep rolling until you hear the "Marriage Has Been Un-redefined" signal. We're not quite sure what that sounds like yet but we're working on it---it'll either be a Maggie Gallagher spaghetti-dinner belch or Tony Perkins singing Battle Hymn of the Republic in the shower. We should know by Thursday at the latest so keep the faith…and KEEP ROLLING! WHAT, YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME???

I should add that these rules also apply to the other 13 states (and European countries and Canada, South Africa, Brazil, Uruguay, Argentina, New Zealand and the Moon) where gay marriage is legal. While it's true that absolutely none of the dire predictions above have actually happened, we're eventually going to reach a tipping point where God says, "Dangblast it, that's enough! Fly, Pomeranians, fly!" (Yes, the Pomeranians will have the power of flight, and I hope they're good at dodging flying toaster ovens.)

So remember, New Jersey puritans: Stop, Drop and Roll. It's the only way to save your fevered imagination as the talons of The Gays grab traditional marriage by the junk and drag it onto the dance floor. Courage!

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Note: Today's horoscopes will not be published on account of, oh my god, they are so awful just stay in bed I BEG YOU!!!  And lock the door.

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Sarasota Pumpkin Festival logo
3 days!!!
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til election day: 2
Days 'til the Sarasota Pumpkin Festival: 3
U.S. carloads of crude oil that trains dragged around in the first half of this year: 178,000
Number of carloads moved in the first half of 2012: 89,000
(Source: AP)
Percent of Americans who think the GOP being in control of the House is a bad thing: 54%
(Source: CNN/ORC poll via BruinKid)
Amount that will be spent this year on crafting: $29 billion
(Source: Parade)
Estimated factor by which the "stuf" in a Double Stuf Oreo exceeds the amount in a regular Oreo, constituting a breach of trust so egregious that we might as well shut down the government again to punish ourselves: 1.86
(Source: Harper's Index)

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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

At least as far as the National Park Service Brownshirts are concerned, the idea of them going back to "work" brings to mind the Patrick Swayze movie "Roadhouse:" When Swayze's character catches one of his bouncers in pari delicto with one of the bar girls in a back room, he fires the guy on the spot. When the just-fired employee whines, "But I was on my break!" Swayze replies, "Stay on it."
---Commenter TLake at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Not-so-grand entrance

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Budget cutting
The saddest photo
I have ever seen.
CHEERS to playing with the Abacus of Doom.  Now that the shutdown and debt ceiling hostages have been freed (although the Republican kidnappers still get joint custody of them, which is weird), Congress is turning its attention to budget negotiations.  I've been monitoring the meetings between the House and Senate committees on TV, and here's a brief summary:
"You're a moron!  There's something wrong with you! You're not normal!  'Um' is not an answer!  One more word and I'm throwing you out!  Just because you get drunk and have a baby doesn't mean you get to take a baseball bat to your neighbor's lawnmower!"
Sorry.  I meant I've been monitoring Judge Judy.  Be honest---you couldn't tell the difference, could you?

CHEERS to heady discoveries.  The unearthing of a 1.8 million-year-old skull over in some foreign rathole (all their names look the same to me) has anthropologists jibbering and jabbering over whether or not it simplifies our evolutionary lineage.  Brutal stuff:

Janeane Garofalo holding bowling ball in 'Mystery Men'
The 1.8 million-year-old skull was
found inside this bowling ball.
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While other paleontologists recognize the fossilized beauty of Skull 5, not everyone agrees on the evolutionary assertions of the new paper.  "There's no doubt that this is an interesting cranium," says paleoanthropologist Bernard Wood of George Washington University in D.C. "It's a good playing card, added to some other playing cards that are equally good."

Anthropologist Fred Spoor of Germany's Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology agrees that Skull 5 is "an absolutely fabulous specimen." He says the skull will help researchers "figure out what's going on with the really early evolution of Homo erectus."  But both Wood and Spoor disagree with the "one big species" message of the new study.

Meanwhile the owner of the Creationism Museum in Kentucky weighed in, asking the researchers if he could have it after they were done with it.  He wants to open up a new exhibit called: "6,000 year-old paperweight."

CHEERS to real leadership. On today's date 51 years ago, in 1962, President Kennedy informed the world that the Soviet Union was building secret missile bases in Cuba.  He ordered our military to quarantine Cuba until Soviet premier Khrushchev agreed to shut 'em down.  Kennedy negotiated his way through the melee without establishing a color-coded terror alert system, telling us to go shopping, or invading a country that had nothing to do with the crisis at hand.  What a lightweight.

JEERS to close calls.  Country music legend Dolly Parton, whom I don’t remember giving permission to be 67 years old, was in car crash yesterday, but walked away with minor injuries.  She was cushioned from the impact by the punchline you can see coming from a mile away.

CHEERS to the greatest knucklehead of all time.  Moe and Larry had their pluses, but The Three Stooges weren't worth a poke in the eyes without Curly, aka Jerome Howard.  Today is his 110th birthday.  In his honor we chipped in and got him some fresh raw oyster stew to kill.  This is my favorite Curly scene of all-time:

N'yuck N'yuck...

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Five years ago in C&J: October 22, 2008

JEERS to a friendly game of Stump the Lawyer.  Jonathan Turley reads about a guy in Michigan who got caught having sex with a car wash vacuum and admits:

Car wash vacuum
"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
"One dollar---quarters only."
Ok, I have been a criminal defense attorney for over two decades but I am not sure how you charge this crime.  In Thomas Township, Michigan, police arrested a 29-year-old man for "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

While money was exchanged, it is probably not solicitation or prostitution.  While the vacuum is probably less than ten years old, there is no violation with a minor.  Bestiality is out of the question, even if it was a Dyson DC15 Animal Vacuum Cleaner.

I say give him a medal from the Hoover Institute and a contract on the Spice Channel.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to Billy the junior patriot.  Last week I was given a sealed plastic tub on which was written in faded magic marker: "Bill." It contains all the stuff---baby book, school records, drawings, etc.---my mom kept from my birth through college. There are some tidbits I never knew about myself (like, one of the first phrases I ever gurbled was "bad boy," which surprises me not a bit).  And among my "personal papers" is a ragged piece of construction paper on which is scrawled my attempt at age 7 (circa March, 1972) to write out the words to the National Anthem.  I assume this must've been a second-grade school assignment at East Elementary in Mount Vernon, Ohio.  It's virtually illegible today, so I've transcribed it below.  Please rise and join me in the singing of our…

Star Spangled banner and Pledge of Allegiance written out by Bill Harnsberger in March, 1972, when he was 7.
Yes, I was drawing tea partiers before
drawing tea partiers was way not cool.
Star bangled baner

Oh say can you see by the dons early light
What so proudleeree haild at the twilited flashed gleaming.

Whos bright stripes broad stripes and bright stars through the paroles fight
For the land mubsed whachet weregalenntlee sareeming.

And the rockets gleenly of bombs bursting in air
Came our thru our thru the fight that are flag was still there

O say gotslan stare spangled banner ye whenne
Forbthe land of the free and the home of the brave.

[Drops mic]

If you need my spellchecker for anything today, it'll be on the floor writhing in pain.

Have a nice Tuesday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Unbelievable: 33-year-old Bill in Portland Maine fanatic has $100k of plastic surgery to look like his idol
---Daily Mail

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