Explanations abound for the mass extinctions of slow-witted lumbering beasts that once roamed the earth only to find their skeletons incorrectly reassembled in the natural history museums of the world. Today, however, we are witnessing a mass extinction in real time, a mass suicide of paleo-epic proportions; an extinction apparently yearned for by its victims. Nothing in your science text books explains this bizarre phenomenon, so grab some popcorn and take a seat as your intrepid diarist delves into this antediluvian debacle.
The architect of this extinction is Calgarasaurus tedcruzii. Hailing from the Canadian Shield, this anointed king of the always gullible Baggasaurs spotted the approaching asteroid, and figured out a way to ensure a direct hit on fellow GOPasaurs. Normally, Calgarasaurs tend to their own business in the greasy Albertan oil sands. This specimen, however, has utterly flummoxed the Birthersaurs by declaring itself "American" by virtue of birth to an American female in much the same way that Obamasaurus Rex would have... Oh, coprolite! No! It can't be!!! But... I digress.
C. tedcruzii applied his highly educated mind to the problem of extinction and recast it as an "opportunity" to wreak massive destruction on Obamasaurus Rex, mainstream GOPasaurs, and ordinary people simply trying to survive. In the end, O. Rex reigned supreme, yet C. tedcruzii looked upon the steaming scorched earth and pronounced it "a good start".
His jubilation was not shared by Boehnersaurus lachrymosii whose extinction loomed large as C. tedcruzii blathered on. The Orange One did his best to walk the survival tightrope, a task made all the more challenging by his continued reliance on ethanol-based sustenance. In the end, he "survived", but with his planetary dominance greatly diminished as the Baggasaurs threatened further assaults on their own kind unless they are given... wait. They'll remember it in a second... it's on the tip of their tongue. Hold on...
Sensing a seismic shift (or perhaps just short of cash), Griftasaurus palinii emerged from seclusion to work her Mesozoic magic on witless followers whose short memories left them vulnerable to one more scam. Attaching herself to C. tedcruzii like a life-draining parasite, G. palinii yammered away at that shrill frequency that caused proto-birds to fall from the sky while besotted Baggasaurs opened their hearts and wallets to their once and future queen.
The Henry Higgins who foisted this redneck Eliza Doolittle on the world, McCainasaurus getoffamylawnii, attempted to distance himself from the ongoing bloodbath by reprising his elder-statesman-voice-of-reason persona. By now, however, even the most micro-minded of his fellow GOPasaurs had consigned him to the scrap-heap of history, his illustrious military and political career eclipsed by the possibility of G. palinii sitting one heartbeat away from the nuclear launch codes.
Speaking of shrill voices, Archeopteryx bachmannii joined in the fray, squawking something about Obamasaurus Rex and "end times". As usual, this was no more than paleo-projection as her own self-inflicted end times had spelled the extinction of her reign of error. Still, as so often happens, the song has ended, but the malady lingers on as A. bachmanni cannot accept her fate and continues her pathetic efforts to warn the world of one impending doom, while blissfully unaware of the real impending doom.
Impending doom has long followed Darthvadersaurus cheneyii, who has eluded the Grim Reaper with the help of the same cutting-edge medical care that he would happily deny other lifeforms. Despite several brushes with extinction, this cold-blooded, soulless creature not only walks the Earth, he shamelessly shills his latest book, explaining how - despite his infirmities - he managed to serve as puppeteer to the guileless Shrubasaurus "W". Some secrets are best taken to the grave. Just sayin...
The hydration-challenged Cubanasaurus Rubio while temporarily forgotten in ongoing festival of self-destruction remains alive. His vision of a world where Immigrasaurs could freely roam the Continent, however, has been relegated to oblivion. In order to maintain his end of the Faustian bargain, C. Rubio has agreed to scale back his vision to the point that it's recognizable only with the aid of a scanning electron microscope. Otherwise, someone will be swapping out that water with hemlock.
As the Baggasaurs continue sinking their teeth into their GOPasaur kin, a few denizens of the swamp have been plotting world domination. While many believe that C. tedcruzii will claim his self-anointed place in the paleo-pantheon as the next White Cave occupant, he will have to eliminate some heavyweight - or formerly heavyweight - contenders. Behemasaurus christii has reduced his girth (again, with the aid of the medical options he would deny to other lifeforms) and focused his eye on a possible slog to the White Cave. He will have to eliminate Plagiasaurus randpaulii, son of the post-octogenarian Texasaurus ronpaulii and devotee of the Rand Petroglyphs.
Even Wisconsinasaur paulryanii, the would-be sixth son of Dressageasaurus cruella and her mate Brontosaurus romneii, has been recasting his death-dealing philosophies in cold numerical terms aimed at appealing to Conservasaurs. Sadly, extinction has claimed most of them, leaving only the shrieking Baggasaurs to run the place. These craven Cretaceous cretins watch that curious glowing object in the sky and yell, "BRING IT!!!" and drool in anticipation of the resultant shock and awe that they will unleash upon a world that failed to show them the proper respect.
Respect has been dwindling for the paleo-pundits who rode this train-wreck to its illogical conclusion, fanning the flames of hate and stoking the fears of creatures incapable of critical thinking. Venomasaurus limbaughii, abandoned by many of his
enablers sponsorsaurs, continued his assault on females, alternatively-hued or alternatively oriented lifeforms, Immigrasaurs... in short, the wily mammals who would be taking over the place soon. Anorexiasaurus coulterii pronounced her love for one, then another, then another of the would-be White Cave occupants as she slid into irrelevance like a thread of spaghetti slipping down a drain. Buygoldasaurus glennbeckii became just another deinstitutionalized voice crying in the wilderness.
The seismic shift we're witnessing? It's just the crazed Baggasaurs and desperate-to-survive GOPasaurs lurching to the far, far Right, desperate to extend their grip on a slippery world. Once enough of them pile on, they'll be experiencing that wild ride they crave... a ride right down into the Subduction Zone. Eventually, they'll be reduced to their only value: a couple of BTUs. Until then, enjoy the show... and invest in popcorn futures!