Where I complain about how some people find it necessary to ruin the coolest holiday ever, which is of course, Halloween.
First lets get the good stuff out there. The Gazette Halloween Parade in Oklahoma City was really great this year, just like it was last year. And this year, at least the spot where I was at, no one booed the Atheists, which was a nice change. I will say, the Atheists had a nice theme with their light up version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, touching all of the crowd with his spooky, noodle-y goodness.
Follow me through the orange pumpkin hole for the stuff that isn't so happy.
I put my kids online last night to see which neighborhoods were trick or treating, since our neighborhood is apparently filled with people who don't. If we were to hand out candy, 1st of all, maybe one person shows up, and 2ndly, we might be the only house for miles that has candy to hand out. Just so we are clear, we are more than willing to hand out candy, but there is no one in these parts to hand it out to, and our neighbors do not participate.
It's quite Sad. What this means is that we have to look for other places to trick or treat.
Every year some poor soul makes the pathetic suggestion that we go to the safe and loving arms of a church and trunk or treat. At which point I have to get my barf bag out and blow ideological chunks, because that suggestion sucks.
In fact churches, I blame you for the demise of Halloween starting in the 1970s with your moral panic about a world wide Satanic conspiracy of alleged candy tamperers. Thank you for scaring the shit out of people so bad that they do not trust their neighbors to hand out candy to their kids, even with x-ray machines.
Trunk or Treat as it stands seeks to isolate people from their communities. It's not a genuine attempt to reach out to the entire community, but really only a hook to draw in new members. I resent the use of this holiday for those purposes. Either as a members of a church--you are part of the entire community at large, or you think you are the special chosen ones too good for the rest of us. Own it either way.
When I was a kid, you got caramel apples, cookies, rice crispy treats, cups of warm spiced cider in addition to candy at various houses in the neighborhood. You didn't have to travel far, because the loot would fill half a pillow case in short order and you know most everyone! Even people just renting!
Now-- you might as well get a free proctological exam with some complimentary rubber gloves.
When Halloween is healed, and whole again, this country will be functional again. That is my prediction. Halloween as a holiday is like an indicator holiday. When Americans are capable of recognizing each other as fellow citizens, they trust each other. When that doesn't happen, Halloween goes to shit.
You know, one time I drank warm cider prepared and given to me from a total stranger, and I DIDN'T DIE!
So what's my complaint this year on top of all this?
Low Fat Candy.
We read online the incredibly effed up suggestion that adults give little kids low fat candy.
Why not just hand out dog turds wrapped in pretty cellophane instead. Those are brown and crunchy too.
Do you have any idea what they put in "healthy" candy? They sweeten it with stuff other than sugar. Like Sorbitol and lots of it. And do you know what sorbitol does to a tummy? If you eat more than a piece or two, it gives you the trotskies.
If you buy low fat foods, those are loaded with more sugar. If you buy sugar free food, those are loaded with things that will loosen your bowels and in some cases, give person a raging belly ache.
They even warn you on the package.
You might as well be handing out ex-lax.
Or are you fantasizing about all the little kids with 2 lbs of sugar free gum stuck in their hair?
You just want to take these people by the hand, and face them and ask them:
Did you ever think in your life, that you would be that awful person with the worst ideas on the planet while being simultaneously clueless about it?
Did you ever in your life--20 Halloweens ago, think that you would be the Church-Lady? or some uptight Halloween-Grinch ruining this holiday for other kids?
Did you ever look in the mirror, and say, "When I grow up I am going to be that tiresome, smug, boor that no one likes, with the pinched face and the sad boring life that I inflict on others via passive aggressive acts of alleged correctitude"?
Here is the deal about America's obesity problem:
You won't solve it in one night.
There, feel better?
Kids get fat over time, and this is a lifestyle issue at home, and for some it might be a genuine health condition independent of their eating habits. You want to shut this down--then go after the fast food and the packaged food industries, fix the content of school lunches, put better food in the food bank, remove soda vending machines from public schools-- because that will make a bigger difference.
But ruining Halloween? Why are you punishing them? Or the rest of us, with a throw away solution that has no effect other than to ruin a holiday tradition?
And to the rest of you:
Have Halloween in your own neighborhood. Commit! Get the kids involved! Because this holiday, is the time to get to know your neighbors. One adult or older kid stays home to hand out candy, the rest of you go door to door with the little ones, and get some treats, exchange some smiles, shake some hands, shoot the breeze. Yes, I am working on my neighbors, just give me some time.
It's super easy.
And this 1 hour trick or treating has to go too.
We Working-Americans need our holidays back. Stop giving up the preciousness of these holidays like Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas. Make Halloween that late night even if it is on a school or work night. It's just one night and it's worth it.
And for heaven's sakes, Stop shopping on Thanksgiving, you ruin it for other Americans by making them work for unethical employers. And HAVE a real Halloween and a real Christmas and a genuine Fourth of July and Thanksgiving. Demand those days off! Don't give in, and then share them with friends and family and community.
Stop letting these Romneybot-Vulture capitalists steal your holidays, because when you give it away for yourself, you give it away for all of us. Stores should be closed and the community should be celebrating. Think about it. Halloween rakes in all this money with costumes and candy and now trick or treating is for one hour? 7-8 pm. Wow, what a waste of time and money.
Rushing through life--what does that do other than create more stress for everyone and ruin the ability to truly be in that moment? Don't we have enough stress inflicted upon us as a people? Why do it to ourselves then?
What makes America unique are our holidays and our culture. It's time we took those back from the corporations and tell them that our souls are not for sale. The only satanic conspiracy I see right now is the attempt to deprive us of our communities and our holidays by making us too afraid to take a little time off to celebrate the simple things in life.