Linda has family values. Both of her parents were school teachers. Her father was an artist. Her mother taught language arts and music. In church, Linda’s parents also taught Sunday School for the Youth Group, and the “Successful Marriage” class for adults. Linda’s favorite books included the
Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder, which her mother read together with her. Linda was bright and popular in school but, truth be told, emotionally volatile and a constant challenge to raise.
Now in her mid-30s, Linda lives in Georgia in a small-sized town and not too far from a fair-sized city. She has three children, all in public schools. She works as a nurse in a local long-term skilled-care facility and is studying to be certified as a Registered Nurse. The residents and staff love her. She truly cares for the old people and they love her back. The administration and her peers respect her reliability, competence and attention to detail. But, both her professional and private lives are demanding.
When you walk into Linda’s house, you are struck by the profusion of decorations reflecting her family values. Angels and figurines with bright smiling faces adorn the flat surfaces. Wall hangings wish “Peace, Love and Joy to all who enter here,” “Faith - Family - Friends,” and “Families are Forever.” A plate reads “May you have: Faith in God, Peace in your heart, Love in abundance, Hope in the future, Joy in your life, and Family to cherish.”
About the time Linda graduated from high school it came out that her father was having an affair with her mother’s best friend, which quickly led to a matching set of divorces. Several years ago, Linda divorced the father of her children as well (for a variety of compelling reasons). Linda and her ex share custody on alternating weeks. She rented a series of apartments but, just last year, was finally able to commit to owning her own home.
Nonetheless, Linda is still emotionally immature. In her personal life, she is a wreck and so are her children. Home life rarely manages anything resembling the peace, joy, love and sharing that litters her walls. She grasps blindly to make up the difference by bringing home cuddly animals, only to discover, over and over, that pets can’t give her what she needs and that, now, crap litters her carpets. Also, her children can’t or won’t remember to refill the guinea pigs’ water.
Linda is exhausted from trying to manage all her responsibilities, even with the support of extended family in the area. The storm windows didn’t get put up last fall; the roof had to be replaced; she has nursed 200,000 miles out of her minivan; at least one of the kids is going to need braces; and, after five years, Linda finally got herself to a dentist and discovered that she had twelve cavities. It will come as no surprise that Linda is sometimes despondent about her own unfilled emotional needs.
Linda’s children often play members of their fractured family against each other. They know how to make Linda feel guilty. But, the gratification of the power they experience only affirms the insecurity and conditional love of their frantic and often-lonely lives. They are frequently jealous of whatever attention one of the others can command by being disruptive or irresponsible. They all tend to indulge in being angry, sullen, uncooperative, and demanding.
Linda’s family is a classic demonstration of the truth that “family values” are not enough. Maintaining a stable and happy family actually requires more, including acquired knowledge, emotional maturity, practiced skills, and a community of support.
We must never imagine that families can succeed in a vacuum of their own values and good intentions. Families are influenced to succeed or fail while immersed in the sea of their social, economic, and political environments.
This is an excerpt from “Family and Community Values in American Culture: Forming a More Perfect Union” to be published in 2014 by David Satterlee. Excerpts from other books of essays and short stories by this author are available at DavidSatterlee.com