From wire reports
Concerned by the momentum behind "...yet another irrational minimum-wage hike" and public perceptions that House Republicans have offered no meaningful legislation, a shadowy conservative policy think-tank met secretly with several Republicans this afternoon, according to sources. Their objective: head off the minimum wage push with a proposal of their own, a "maximum" wage.
Despite early concerns that such a notion might not be well-received by the public, many present at the meeting were, according to other sources, "giddy" and astounded they handn't thought of this before. Many spoke willingly about the proposal to select media members afterward, all on the condition of anonymity. "This is brilliant," said the think-tank's CEO. "We're stealing a socialist notion right out from under (liberals') noses." The group, the Innovative Democracy Institute Offering Timely Solutions, prefers to stay under the radar but, should this intiative gain traction, may soon be well-known and replace the troubled Heritage Foundation as the go-to "kingmakers" of Republican politics, according to many familiar with their growing clout.
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Those familiar with the plan describe it as an innovative way of looking at wages: instead of focusing on where workers start on the income scale, focus on where they end up. "People are always worried that a co-worker or new hire makes more than them," said a representative in attendance. "Taking that insecurity out of the equation is the empathetic thing for an employer to do. If we limit the amount people can earn, and pay everyone the same rate, how is that not fair to the greatest number of people?". Those familiar with the plan reported that workers could still earn raises according to a universal scale, but those would be tied to performance and not time spent on the job. "People who own things know when something's going right and when it's not, and who is responsible," offered a former CEO in attendance. "Trust me. If you're working hard and helping the company someone will notice. And someone will put a few more dollars in your paycheck." Specific details regarding where the maximum wage might end up, or if it would vary by field, were sparse. Many conclusively noted, however, that "whether or not someone went to college" would not be a factor.
As a way to "incentivise job-creating" and manage retirement savings, many exemptions to the maximum wage are included in the potential legislation's first draft. Owners of businesses with more than one-hundred employees, Corporate CEOs, Officers and Board Members, Investment Bankers, and Professional Golfers are among the most notable. When questioned about the golfers, a former CEO in attendance had little patience: "What Americans don't understand is that most of the decisions that directly affect their job occur on a golf course. I can't tell you how many deals I've made during a round. More than in my office, that's for damn sure." He was also quick to point out that professional golfers, via the sponsor logos worn on their shirts and caps during televised rounds, significantly contribute to the success of American corporations.
Tensions briefly flared when a congressman from North Carolina pointed out that a NASCAR car promotes far more products "than a damn golf shirt and hat," and so deserved a similar exemption. Established committee members both de-fused and resolved the dispute by gently pointing out, to scattered chuckles, that a Mercedes costs far more than a Mountain Dew. According to a staffer in attendance, "It was kind of weird. Right after that there was a quiet, like, golf applause then they moved on to discuss other possible exemptions. Pastors were the next one, I think."
What's not known is the timeline for the introduction and roll-out of this plan. Republicans in attendance were mum on one thing: what happens next. When contacted for comment, a representative who may or may not have been associated with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's office tersely offered the following: "We don't know what you're talking about."