Last night, Jon Stewart returned from a week off by mocking right-wingers for their feigned concern over the HealthCare.gov website not working properly when it first launched, and how they claim the private sector supposedly always works better than government.
Our top story, yet again tonight, an update on HealthCare.gov, the beleaguered Obamacare website that was supposed to provide an online marketplace for health insurance, but instead, the website records you having sex and e-mails it to your parents with the title "Christmas Surprise!!!". Why does it do that?
Obama administration officials promised us that by November 30th, the website will be functional, and as I'm sure you know, it has already been November 30th. So....?
ABC NEWS (12/1/2013): The White House says HealthCare.gov is now working for the vast majority of people who try to use it. ... The website can now handle 50,000 users at a time, 800,000 a day.
JOE JOHNS (12/1/2013): They say they have lowered response time to about one second, and the error rate below 1%.
Oh my God! Less than 1%! That's... I don't know what that is. Of course, the downside is that the only error that occurs is a really bad error.
(audience laughter)
But hey, you did it guys, you did it. You know what? To celebrate, I got you a card. I think you're going to enjoy it. It says:
Congratulations... on doing the thing you should've done two months ago, before everyone's faith in the ability of government to function properly was irreparably damaged.
(audience cheering and applause)
But congratulations. It's not to say there weren't still problems.
FORMER SEN. RICK SANTORUM, R-PA (12/1/2013): Most of the front end may be looking good, people may be able to get on and get responses, but the information coming out the back end to the insurance companies is still garbage.
(audience laughter)
I'm actually starting to feel bad for Rick Santorum. Because my guess is you folks, like myself, the first thing you thought of as you watched that was, hey, it sounds like you're describing the frothy rectal juice for which you are the name. The poor guy has to watch his words no matter what he's talking about. He can't describe a website as having garbage out the back end. Guy can't even order a cappuccino with extra foam! He's gotta be like, "Can I have a coffee with uh... the milky bubble... you know what...? Fuck it, just give me some tea."
Anyone, point is, there are still some problems with the Obama website, and one of them is not going away, which is the fundamental flaw of the Affordable Care Act.
BILL O'REILLY (11/13/2013): The federal government is not capable of running the health care system.
SEN. TIM SCOTT, R-SC (10/21/2013): What we should root for is private sector opportunities to improve the health care delivery to make health insurance more affordable.
FOX NEWS GUEST (11/30/2013): Forget about Obamacare! If we could let the private sector run rampant in medical care... my gosh! You'd be able to buy the equivalent of an iPhone like you can now for $29 dollars.
Where do you get your phones?? I'm pretty sure the only way you can get an iPhone equivalent for $29 bucks is to go down to Chinatown, and pick up a Snapple yPhone.
Which you can use to play all the top games. Your Irritated Birds.
Your Candy Crunch.
Oh, that's not even candy! That's a lozenge! My personal favorite, Root Ninja.
Really captures the excitement of hacking away at a root. Because they're harder to cut.
But the point stands! If you want to efficiently provide a product to millions of Americans at once, the right is saying the private sector is the only way to go; government can't get it done. In fact, didn't we just see an example of the private sector at work just this past week?
ALEX WITT (11/29/2013): Pull out your credit cards, Black Friday is here.
ABC NEWS (11/30/2013): Black Friday bedlam.
CNBC (11/29/2013): Crowds are mauling each other.
ABC NEWS (11/30/2013): Ugly scenes.
PBS (11/29/2013): Frenzied shopping led to fistfights.
ABC NEWS (11/30/2013): People slugging it out right in the middle of the aisles.
FOX NEWS (11/29/2013): Bashes, bruises.
ABC NEWS (11/30/2013): One eventually pulling out a taser. You can hear the crackle of the stun gun.
(stunned audience reaction)
Just something about the holidays. Reminds us how we like to gather with our loved ones around the crackle of a stun gun.
♫
My nuts roasting on the floor of a Costco.
Guard dogs ripping at my face.
But the deal I got on these set of pants...
Totally worth it.
That's just Philly, though, man. We all know that's a little spirited.
ALEXANDRA FIELD, CNN (11/30/2013): In Texas, pepper spray was unleashed on the shoppers.
Well, that's Texas. They put hot peppers on everything down there.
ALEXANDRA FIELD, CNN (11/30/2013): In Virginia, police say there was a stabbing.
Well, that's Virginia. You know that Virginia is for stabbers.
All right, so maybe Black Friday wasn't the best for customers, but to be fair, the workers had it worse.
PBS (11/29/2013): In locations across the country, workers protested against the expanded holiday hours. Walmart was a particular target. Some employees of America's largest civilian employer picketed. ... Outside an Ontario, California, Walmart, a man dressed as Santa Claus was arrested as part of the protest.
Oh my God! How bad does your organization have to be for Santa to be protesting your labor conditions? The man runs an elf sweatshop! He's got them working all hours, he's paying them in candy canes. God forbid you don't want to make toys anymore, you want to be a dentist. Oh-ho, no! Can't do that! Can't be a dentist! Gotta make toys.
By the way, if you were thinking you could skip all that by staying home and shopping at Walmart.com, think again.
ABC NEWS (11/30/2013): So much traffic, its website temporarily crashed.
But its website's in the... private sector! (audience applause) So basically Walmart spent months whipping consumers into violent frenzies, then subjected their workers to those frenzies during a holiday, all while their website burned to the ground. I'm curious, what does the private sector call this kind of debacle?
ABC NEWS (11/30/2013): Walmart's calling it the most successful Black Friday in its history.
(audience laughter)
So if a website crashes trying to give people health care, it is a national travesty. But if Walmart's website while their stores fill with people disemboweling each other to get Skyfall on Blu-Ray.... (Jon kisses the air)
But hey, if the only metric that measures success is money, there is one thing about Obamacare I think conservatives can appreciate.
FOX NEWS GUEST (11/13/2013): PricewaterhouseCoopers did a study, and they estimate that within a few years, big health insurance companies are going to get an extra $220 billion dollars a year in revenue thanks to Obamacare.
Woo-hoo! And the best part is, no one gets tasered! Once they fix that part of the website.
We'll be right back.
.
before talking about the Thanksgiving turkey pardon.
for delivery, with a brand new idea for Jeff Bezos to reduce the waiting time by even more for things we want to buy!
segment where a Christmas tree stopped a bullet.