I'll admit, when I first ran across the Tom Daley story, my initial thoughts amounted to something like this: "Oh, sports, I don't care...WOW, he is hot!" If you've been living under a rock and haven't heard, 19-year-old British diver and Olympian Tom Daley recently came out. Not as gay. Not as bisexual. Just as a man who is dating another man, who appears to be 39-year-old Oscar-winning Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. Indeed, this might be one of the most interesting coming-out stories in recent memory.
Not that it should be. But it's interesting in that so many people appear to be in an uproar about it. Aside from the standard bigotry (nobody saw that coming), there seem to be two major reasons for this hand-wringing. First, Daley is rejecting "labels" and refusing to call himself either gay or bisexual. This is despite reporting to the contrary, as outlined in this diary on the subject by shaggies2009--many in and out of the media seem intent on thrusting identities upon Daley that he himself has not embraced. Second, Daley is dating a man (gasp) old enough to be his father!!!
Start reading here when you come back from your fainting couch, and follow me below the fold for some thoughts on these twin controversies. But first, watch Daley's coming-out video, which now has well over nine million views.
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I wasn't going to write this diary at first, because I was worried it would get me into trouble. But I guess I can learn from Daley in the not-caring department.
Daley's nuanced way of coming out has forced me to, once again, confront my own sexuality and the largely artificial rigidity of the identity I myself have embraced. There have been moments in my life in which I have had to confront how complicated sexuality can be. I identify as gay--that has been true since I first came out and it remains true to this day. The reality, however, is a bit more complicated, as it is for many people. Perhaps the experience that drove this home the most for me was when I worked at my factory job the summer before I moved to Houston. As I often did when I worked at what was probably the most boring and tedious job I've ever held, I developed a rather intense crush. This crush was a woman. I wasn't confused, and my crush was not merely aesthetic. Nor was this an isolated occurrence. I can't explain that within the confines of my identity. Many might tell me I'm actually bisexual, but that does not even begin to explain it, either. I am not even remotely equally attracted to men and women, and in the grand scheme of things, I much, much prefer relationships with men over women. Attempting to adequately label my attractions is rather problematic. The complicated nature of my sexuality fits much more into the "gay" label, but gay identity does not exactly allow for the full range of my feelings. Again, we're reminded that sexuality is a spectrum.
I think a large part of the reason we often don't want to talk about the fluidity and complicated nature of sexuality is because it appears to feed into the "ex-gay" narrative that we can change. Acknowledging that sexuality, in many cases, is a spectrum and that many people cannot fit 100% into either end of that spectrum, can undermine our notions of what it means to be "gay" and "straight." But this does not mean that we can change what our sexual feelings are; it just means that our feelings can sometimes fail to fit within set identity categories. And that's okay. We need to be more open about this.
This is not everybody's story. There is no doubt that many people do fall quite neatly into gay and lesbian identity and find nothing "problematic" about it. But the point is that, despite our need to label our sexual desires, sexuality is often more complicated than we would like to admit. Reality is not binary. And Daley's coming-out experience is only the latest that suggests that people of my generation and younger are starting to realize this. From my own observations, the nuance of Daley's coming out is becoming less rare. Not "I'm gay," but:
I still fancy girls but right now I'm dating a guy and I couldn't be happier.
It reminds one of hip-hop star Frank Ocean's coming out last year, in which he similarly came out as "none of the above." As
pico notes in
his diary on the subject:
Frank Ocean did everything "wrong". He didn't make his coming out an "event"; he didn't declare his identity; and he spoke directly about falling in love at the risk of making his fans squirm. He penned an aching, personal letter about his attraction to another man.
When asked if he was bisexual,
Ocean replied:
I'll respectfully say that life is dynamic and comes along with dynamic experiences, and the same sentiment that I have towards genres of music, I have towards a lot of labels and boxes and shit. As a writer, as a creator, I'm giving you my experiences. But just take what I give you. You ain't got to pry beyond that. I'm giving you what I feel like you can feel.
Michelangelo Signorile, gay journalist, Sirius radio host, and editor of HuffPost Gay Voices,
wrote about Daley and this increasing desire to come out as "none of the above":
I'm not suggesting that we're in a time when people can slough off identity and artificial boundaries and labels. All of us who are LGBT were labeled with ugly slurs by our enemies, after all, which is what forced us to choose our own words to label ourselves. And that's not ending anytime soon. Judging from the horrendous attacks on Daley on Twitter, if you admit to sucking dick, even in the most overt way, you're still "a gay" and a "faggot" and a "fag" no matter what you call or don't call yourself.
But looking at all the recent comings out among celebrities and the different trends that we're seeing, Daley and Bello provide yet another way for public figures to get there and announce who they are (even if they're not exactly choosing what category they fit in). And that gives young people who may be LGBT even more options when they look out at the world than painfully trying to be straight and live a lie in the closet.
I think Signorile is spot-on. Gay identity is not going anywhere anytime soon. Nor
can it. We still face fundamental inequality in our laws and danger in our schools, on our streets, and in our workplaces. As long as this reality exists, there will be a need for identity and identity politics. From my childhood on, I have been "labeled" by homophobes and bullies. Embracing a positive gay identity was necessary for me, and it remains central to my existence to this day. By no means am I declaring the end of the need for identity. We don't live in that kind of world yet.
Furthermore, it is largely thanks to identity and identity politics and people who declared their identity loudly and proudly that many of our youth are able to come out in such a way as Daley and Ocean. In Dave in Northridge's diary on coming out and the F-word, he found the following comment in pico's aforementioned Ocean diary:
I think we may be getting to the day when this is no big deal. Ironically, that is because some people MADE it a big deal . . . That's how you buy freedom in the first place. Someone has to fight for it. I fought for it. And since being homosexual isn't always visible, we are all the better for the many who have said "I am gay" or who expressed the equivalent through their actions (as I did). And now this artist has the freedom not to say that. I applaud that freedom, not the fact that he didn't say it.
Of course, many are upset about this new kind of coming out, as evidenced in the comments section of Signorile's article. But isn't this the kind of world we
want to eventually create, as utopian as that idea may be? The kind of world in which we can just be who we are and date who we want to date? Daley is only 19 years old, and he has a great deal of exploring left to do. That sexual exploration is healthy, and personally, I wish we lived in a world in which more people could feel free to do it without worrying so much about labeling that exploration. That kind of a world will be a long time in the making--and, by the way, it will take many more people saying "I'm gay" or "I'm bisexual"--and I'm not sure we'll ever get there. But it can't hurt to strive for it.
To close this part of the diary, I'll share part of Joe Stone's thoughtful article on the subject for The Guardian, which I recommend you read in full:
Both Daley and Ocean were 19 when they first fell in love with another man. At that age I had been aware for some time that I was gay, but had resisted telling my family. This hadn't arisen from any deep sense of shame, but was at least partly because of my resentment that I should be expected to come out at all. After all, no straight person ever had – my older brother had certainly never been expected to announce that at some point he planned on embarking on a relationship with a woman. At that awkward age, the idea of having to discuss any kind of sexual preference with my parents was a less comfortable proposition than joining my elderly science and geography teachers for a threesome. So I didn't. I left to appear on Channel 4's Shipwrecked, where I had to be filmed for five months living on a desert island with a mixed bag of 18- to 26-year-olds, without making any kind of grand gesture about my sexuality, and hoped they would get the message when they saw me discussing which male contestants I fancied.
I have since learned that sexuality is about far more than sex, and that acknowledging the romantic aspect of yourself is a large part of sharing your life with loved ones. In retrospect I wish I had handled my own coming-out more sensitively. I know that my sister was hurt to find out that I was gay while watching the TV, but I still sympathise with my younger self feeling backed into a corner. Coming out is often an intimidating prospect, and there were other reasons that I was hesitant to do so, not least because of how my news would be received in the small village where we lived. Maybe if I had had a role model like Daley – who has sidestepped sex and made his own coming-out about the emotion of falling for a whole person – the idea of admitting that I liked boys would have weighed less heavily.
In a perfect world, perhaps "coming out" would disappear from our lexicon. Not least because it suggests one definite act, when in practice, for many LGBT people, coming out is a constant process. First they must come out to their friends and family, and then they must make almost daily decisions about whether to do the same with a succession of colleagues and acquaintances. I hope that one day celebrities such as Daley won't be required to come out, because who they love will be incidental, and their closets will be reserved for clothes. But until that time, role models such as Daley, Ocean and Bello have helped to spearhead a different kind of coming-out, which understands that not everybody can be neatly labelled. It might make for less snappy headlines, but it is an altogether more accurate reflection of how we live and love in 2013.
Again, so as not to be misinterpreted--we don't live in that "perfect world" yet. We might
never get there. Gay identity
still matters. But in the meantime, I for one am encouraged that at least
some of our young people feel that they can explore their sexuality without necessarily feeling the need to declare any particular identity. In any case, Daley's identity is up to him, and not anybody else.
And then there is the fact that Daley is dating a man who is twenty years older. Once again, I find myself in total agreement with Michelangelo Signorile, who wrote about this today. He says it much better than I can:
1. Let's cut the ageist crap. The "yuk" is a display of nothing but disgust for someone older. Yes, Black is old enough to be Daley's father. But he's not. If Black were just a couple of years older than Daley, he could be his brother too. But he's not. Shocking news for you: You're all going to be old. And your tastes are going to evolve over time. Some younger people are attracted to older people, and vice versa. There's even a gay website called Daddyhunt. The famed novelist Armistead Maupin's 27-years-younger husband, Christopher Turner, founded it. They met on another one of Turner's sites, HotOlderMale.com. If that's not your thing, it's totally cool, but in that case just shut your mouth.
2. Deal with your homophobia, including your internalized homophobia if you happen to be gay. There's an undercurrent in these comments -- the "chicken hawk" charge -- that suggests that gay men are more likely to sexually abuse underage teens, the ugliest lie about gay men out there. Hardcore homophobes are predictably pointing to Black and Daley as supposed proof. But many gay men too, so defensive about the charge and deathly fearful of how it's used, overcompensate by saying "yuk." Look, we live in a world where youth and beauty are heralded, and where 77-year-old Bob Dole appeared in a Pepsi ad in which he had the hots for a 19-year-old Britney Spears. We've put an age limit on what we can and can't do because we live in a civil society and abide by the rule of law. And this particular relationship falls well within the limit. So let's drop this crap too.
3. Gay people are different from straight people. I know, another newsflash. But really, we've been so focused in recent years on how we're all the same -- we want many of the same things in life, including a job, a home, a relationship -- that we've obscured some real differences in how we've constructed our community and our relationships. Historically, gay men have engaged in intergenerational sexual encounters, brief romances and long-term relationships -- among consenting adults -- probably much more than straight people have. One reason is simply that, historically, we've had to find each other and teach each other about ourselves, coming together in a larger world that doesn't teach us our history, our culture or simply how to be gay, how to protect ourselves, how to have families -- even how to have sex. And often, but certainly not always, that's been about older people teaching younger people -- again, consenting adults.
The uproar over the age difference reeks of both internalized homophobia, as Signorile suggests, and jealousy. My advice to those concerned about this relationship would respectfully be to get a life.
Good for Tom Daley for being open about his sexuality. My advice would be to ignore the haters and those judging his relationship and trying to define him. But, based on his words and actions so far, I don't think that's advice he particularly needs.
TOP COMMENTS
December 6, 2013
Thanks to tonight's Top Comments contributors! Let us hear from YOU
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From bronte17:
ManFromMiddletown astutely lays out the division of labor within the GOP "stink tanks" and their front groups: ALEC, SPN and AFP. And how this coordination allows them to lobby and influence public policy with tax deductible dark money from the conservative billionaires. Really nice summary contained in the diary post, Stink Tanks: State Policy Network Internal Budget Documents Revealed by The Guardian by Steve Horn.
From htowngenie:
This comment by GenXangster is perfect for a website trying to instill action in Democrats. Lovely.
From jlms qkw:
While reading for Community Spotlight, I found this entertaining remark from hannah in an an otherwise dismal diary.
From ontheleftcoast:
By the noodles of the Starchy One I didn’t want to send in a comment about Ted Rall, but this comment our very own Trix had me busting out in laughter.
From your humble diarist:
Ugh...I swear I was going to mine this evening, and then one thing after another kept me from my laptop. Sorry!
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December 5, 2013
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