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There, I said it.

As I grow older I find myself comfortably settling into the role of "curmudgeon". I'm developing a bad attitude - in fact I think it's coming along rather nicely.

Now please don't make me out to be some kind of Grinch. I don't hate Christmas. I don't even hate all Christmas music.

Mostly I dislike everything written since, oh let's say the Victorian era. You know, those 10-12 songs that run continuously in every store and restaurant starting the day after Halloween.

So, read on while I list what I consider to be the worst offenders. Songs that, when the war on Christmas is finally won, should be put on trial for war crimes.

If you're not reading xkcd you should start.
Frosty the Snowman - Yes, I know, it's a kids song. That seems to mean that it has to be played on continuous loop anywhere a child may come within 300 yards of starting November 1st. If you have kids, I'm sorry but you're going to be hearing this one a lot.

Rudolph - When I invent my time machine, on my way back to kill Hitler, I plan on stopping in 1947 and preventing Gene Autry from writing this crime against humanity by any means necessary.

The Little Drummer Boy - Oh boy, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one. There's just too much earworm potential here. Once you get that "paaah rump a pum pum" stuck in your head it'll take 3 straight hours of Swedish death-metal to get it out.

The 12 Days of Christmas - Look, I'm a busy person. Listening to this song in its entirety requires a much greater time commitment than I'm willing to make. And that "five goooooolden rings!" part is like fingernails on a chalkboard after about the third verse.

Jingle Bells - Just how many versions of this song do we really need? Between the country and western Jingle Bells, the smooth jazz Jingle Bells, the punk rock Jingle Bells (I'm sure it exists) and the hip-hop Jingle Bells it's been done to death.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - Sure, it was cute the first couple times I heard it. The problem with novelty songs is that the novelty quickly wears off. After that they're just annoying. This one has long since worn out its welcome.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town - He's been coming to town since sometime in the 1930s. You'd think he'd be here by now. Plus "he sees you when you're sleeping" is kind of creepy if you ask me.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas - With global warming it's beginning to look more like early spring. The same goes for Winter Wonderland.

Jingle Bell Rock - False advertising. This song most definitely does not rock. Sounds more like a bad 1950s pop song. Not to imply that there were good 1950s pop songs.

And now for the one I consider to be the worst offender, the one that sends me searching for a sharp object to puncture my eardrums with:

Sleigh Ride - I've had to hear those sleigh bells jinglin' and ring ting tinglin' way too many times. This sickeningly sweet song is like maple syrup poured over sugar cubes.

"Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you....."

Stop! I'll talk! I'll sign the confession! Please just make it stop! Sob!

If anybody needs me I'll be cranking Swedish death-metal and chasing carolers off my front porch. Enjoy.

Originally posted to Central Ohio Kossacks on Mon Dec 23, 2013 at 11:07 AM PST.

Also republished by Protest Music.

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