Twas the night before Congress, when all through the House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse.
Lobbyists were busy writing new bills with care,
In hopes that their words would make things unfair
Adult children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-daddies danced in their heads.
Mamma bundled in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the alley there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a sleigh, and the Speaker who gave me a sneer.
With a little old driver, so orange and slick,
I knew in a moment that this guy's a dick
More corrupt then any his caucus they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Cantor! now, Issa! now, Duncan! now, Bishop!
On, Gohmert! On, Bachmann! on Duncan! and Bilirakis!
We got the House, and we'll make you crawl!
Now slash away! Slash away! Slash away all!"
To dismantle the government they've sworn to try,
For the wealthy and rich crocodile tears they did cry
Off to St. Andrew's with lobbyists they flew,
With the sleigh full of bribes all to screw you.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney he came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of cash he had flung onto his back,
And he looked like a grifter, or Koch's lead hack
His eyes-how they shifted, his words were so scary!
Orange cheeks were hollow, his nostrils so hairy!
His droll little mouth was starting to quiver,
When he started to cry it gave us a shiver.
A Grand Old Party shill, he lied through his teeth,
Callous arrogance encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a ruddy face a round little belly,
Smelling like booze and petroleum jelly!
He was already half drunk, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A shift of his eyes and a spin of his head,
Let us to know we might live in a shed.
No more unemployment benefits for all out of work,
For our foreclosure, he blamed us like a jerk!
Bankers' hearts are stone, so they foreclose.
Telling us to move out, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away the Republicans flew like a Predator's missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he yelled out in spite,
"Happy Plutocracy to all, and to all an austere night!"