Can't get it out of my head. Phil Robertson. I was invited to my sister in laws house for Christmas eve. We have been trying to mend fences after a flap on face book over the ACA. My brother is gay, and she and her family know this. They have met him. We were having a lovely evening until my husband's brother started talking about Phil Robertson. I really feel conflicted about how to move forward. I am really having trouble finding a solution to this that promotes peace, healing, and truth, without starting a war. I cannot just keep my mouth shut. I cannot just try to say things they agree with. I need to speak my truth respectfully. But I didn't do that on Christmas eve. Follow me over the fold and help me find a way to attract, not promote my opinion to her family. I have some ideas but I would love to get some feedback. My goal would be to let truth lead the way.
Background: my brother is gay. He and his long term partner got married this last November. My family is ecstatic. My in laws know I have a gay brother, a gay couple that I care very much about. They also know that I am a therapist who has helped many gay couples, people, find inner peace. I care about this topic deeply.
My sister in law is one of those Christians who needs to advertise her Christian ness. She wants to tell you about her mission work. She needs you to know how very "good" she is. I will say, she helps my in laws more than I do. I won't deny that she does lots of community service through her church and that she has taken on the United Ways drive at her work.
However, I have spent most of my life working for non profit agencies making the bare minimum and giving therapy away for near free. (a dollar an hour, 5 dollars an hour). I have raised money and given to many causes. I just don't talk about it much. I also have $56,000.00 in student loans. I now have started my own practice after being laid off from my non prof position. I take pro bono clients, always will, and try to do about 40% on a sliding scale. I am making the best money of my life after years of poverty. Serious poverty. I know what it is to dread someone asking you to lunch or out for coffee. I used to dread Christmas from about October on as month after month would pass by pay check to pay check with nothing to put in savings. We went a whole year without insurance. I know what it is to have heart pain and ignore it because I didn't have insurance. I have been on all sides of this coin.
My husband also has been known to say racist things. Somehow, I have learned to forgive my husband and understand him. He's an alcoholic who has 8 years sobriety. I swear he lives permanently in emotion mind. I think of it as brain damage. He also has schizo affective disorder. He is very paranoid. He lives in fear. The government can hear him every where. He believes the contrails in sky to be cloud seeding and viruses. In his defense, he was the first person to speak up to his brother when Phil Robertson's name came up. He said, "I have gay people in my family that I love and that guy is an ignorant asshole." Also, while my husband will say racial things, he has helped many people of all nationalities stranded on the side of the road or in parking lots, (he can fix cars) he interacts with all the neighbors of all diverse backgrounds, lends his tools and seems to trust people on a person by person basis. The things he says are wrong and hurtful. He knows how I feel and seems unable or unwilling to change it. Thankfully my kids are not at all like him and seem to see him as an example of what not to do. I speak my mind to my husband and my kids. I am not defending his behavior, just noting that the term racist is more accurate on an continuum.
My husband's brother is a lot like my husband. I also am able to forgive him. I know these boys were abused by a victimized single mother. I get why they are the way they are. I work with lots of people like this and I have spent my life on a mission of seeking peace with the understanding that "hurt people, hurt people".
On Christmas eve, I tried to focus on things we might agree on. (like I said they probably will get better ratings in the end, don't worry he won't be canceled, they are making big bucks on this...) In the end, the sixteen year old "genius" daughter says "I read the interview in GQ and he didn't really say anything offensive". See the article here: http://www.gq.com/.... She says she has nothing against gay people and Phil Robertson was only expressing his Christian beliefs. I did finally say I disagreed. And cited that he had said horrible hateful things. She continued to disagree with me, ala Sarah Palin style. (she clearly did not read said interview because a staunch Christian 16 year old would have found his words pretty offensive and the things in the interview were very hateful.) Somehow realizing that they had passed this diseased thinking to this bright young girl just made me sick. It's so not about I.Q. She may have a high I.Q but her emotional intelligence is clearly lacking.
I have had to listen to them whine about how "genius" daughter won't get scholarships because she has black "friends" who don't do homework or get good grades who are stealing all the scholarships from white girls like her. I did get into it on that one. But when the discussion was shut down by her mother I let it go.
But on this Christmas Eve, it felt so personal. My sister in law and I, had made up after our flap over the ACA. She had posted a "story" by a pastor that painted those in favor of the ACA as thugs, wanting something for free, disrespectful to the elderly pastor, etc...I told her it offended me. I did it publicly and erased it later and apologized for my words of anger. She made a big toast on Christmas Eve to starting over and "being nice to each other". Within a half hour of this lovely toast the discussion about Phil Robertson had begun.
I didn't get too angry. I did not say anything to apologize for. But I can't get it out of my head. I want to respond in a peaceful way. But clearly, I am not yet, feeling peaceful. This is what I teach and try to live. I know that carrying resentments is toxic for me. I know that my home is not a perfect politically correct home at all times. I know that despite my life long interest in equality and peace, I am not perfect. I don't want to respond with insults. Those are too easy. I want to respond in a way that fits my philosophy and my beliefs.
To top it off, when she and I settled our disagreement over the ACA, she invited me to work a mission with her. She said it needed to be free from politics. It felt as if she was implying that I don't give the way she does. That's a judgment on my part. I don't really know that this was some kind of challenge to do it her way. I wrote back and told her that because of my work, I don't really do the soup kitchen thing any more. (I didn't mention my knees or the fact that I can't stand up anymore.) She is always talking about her mission work. I don't talk about my pro bono clients or the fact that I work 6 days a week helping end violence in homes and saving marriages. I told her I did that kind of thing for many years through my non prof agency work. And I told her that my pro bono work is my community service as well as my continued work trying to raise well rounded human beings. I have 4 kids and my own practice to manage. I clearly feel defensive here. The theme in my practice is teaching families, married couples the skills for peace. (1. non judgementall stance, 2) the dialectic, 3) emotion regulation skills, 4) wise mind - balancing emotions to facts, 5) distress tolerance skills, 6) Interpersonal effectiveness skills, 7) teaching 100% accountability). I have six full groups and a thriving practice. What I am teaching works.
But now, I am at a loss. I need help, feedback from others to see what I am missing. To help me find my judgments, and to help me find the most truthful and valid way to respond in this situation.
Do I write a note and explain how those discussion make me feel? Do I say that I love them and know they have a right to say what they want but to let them know that defending someone like PR is hurtful? Do I say nothing and just know my own truth, walk my own walk? It feels like I have an obligation to be part of the solution. But I also know that arguing with them won't help my cause at all. I know I can't change them, that I need to focus on changing me. What is the change I need to make. My judgement is that she is wrong for raising her daughter this way. My judgment is that this is evil hatred covered in bible, like a Trojan horse full of hate. My judgment is that they meant to hurt my feelings or to try to goad me into a fight. Or that they hoped I would lose my temper.
Facts: They are as emotional about this stuff as I am. They feel threatened by my views. They do not agree with me. We have childhood wounds, every one of us. I am blessed to have the skills and ability to find inner peace. I cannot change them. I do not know that they were trying to hurt my feelings or to get me upset. I don't know why they said what they did, without guessing.
I would appreciate help and feedback about how to serve the world and myself in response to this situation.