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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

From the Mail (Gas)bag

I noticed this letter to the editor in a recent edition of The Portland Press Herald from a Dr. Frederick H. Giese, M.Th., D.Min. As you can see, he has letters after his name, so you know he's very serious:

God cannot and does not create sin, so to say people are born with a predisposition for homosexuality or lesbianism is totally wrong. That’s like saying someone is born a racist or a bigot or a thief or a murderer.

All of these types of behavior are learned. They are taught by someone to someone else. So are homosexuality and lesbianism.

Gay/Not Gay switch
"Flick that switch!
Flick that switch!"
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I've been openly practicing the homosexual lifestyle now for 22 years and I love it! So sinful…so decadent…so exciting to be in the company of other sinner clans like thieves and murderers. This is the life, I tell ya.

But today I'm feeling a little embarrassed because I've never---not once---publicly acknowledged the very first people who taught me about homosexuality. So, right now, I'd like to extend my thanks to all the classmates in middle and high school who taught me that homosexuals is nothin' but faggots who carry purses and lisp and they're all prancing fairies who deserve to get their asses kicked and their heads smashed in and I dare one of 'em to look at me funny cuz then I'll just fuckin' kill him.

Pretty tempting, no? After hearing that day after day and year after year, I finally said to myself, "That's the lifestyle choice for me! I'm ready to be targeted for some good old-fashioned bullying, including but not limited to verbal harassment, ass kicking, head smashing and/or death. Maybe my parents will even throw me out of the house after disowning me. Heck, maybe one day if I'm lucky I can get fired for practicing the gay. But, no matter what happens here on earth, I can look forward to the day I finally get to burn in hell for all eternity! Oh, this'll be a swell choice! Sign me up, and don't forget to give me my fat-lip welcome gift after I sign my homosexual choice voucher here...and here...and initial here and here."

Don’t you wish everything could be taught as efficiently as homosexuality? I learned from the best, I really did. And I'd like to thank Dr. Frederick H. Giese, M.Th., D.Min. for writing that letter to the editor and jogging my memory so that I could finally thank the people who were the first to teach me all about it.

Sorry to say I haven't quite mastered the lisp yet. Call me a work in progress.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 13, 2014

Note: Today is Monday the 13th.  No need to take any special precautions, except perhaps an extra dollop of hand lotion.  And stay away from woodchippers.

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Asbury Park Beerfest logo
12 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: 7
Days 'til the Asbury Park Beer Fest in New Jersey: 12
Estimated number of U.S. veterans who commit suicide every day: 22
(Source: Veterans Administration)
Revised number of customers who may be affected by the hacking of Target's computers: 110 million
Number of cars Volkswagen made for the world last year, up 4.8% from 2012: 9.5 million
Number of workers it takes to put on the Harbin, China Ice Festival: 7,000

Totally Random Weekend NFL Post-season Score:
New England 43  Indianapolis 22

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  If all our Olympic athletes stayed home, think of all the dogs that could get adopted!

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CHEERS to trading a bad Mc for a good Mc.  After pounding on women, the poor and the LGBT community with a tire iron for four years, Republican Governor Bob McDonnell---aka "Governor Ultrasound"---has left the Virginia governor's office and retired to his lawyer's office as he prepares to face criminal charges.  Sworn in Saturday as his replacement was Democrat Terry McAuliffe (along with Lieutenant Gov. Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring, both also Dems).  How great is this?  This great

Virginia seal
Virtus and her bare boob
are in good, um, hands.
McAuliffe, Northam and Herring support marriage rights for same-sex couples. The former Democratic National Committee chair later on Saturday is expected to issue an executive order that would ban discrimination against LGBT state employees. [Which he did. ---BiPM]  “We couldn’t be more ecstatic,” Maggie Sacra, chair of the LGBT Democrats of Virginia, told the Washington Blade earlier on Saturday during a brunch her group hosted at a downtown Richmond hotel.

Kathy Green of Henrico County said during the same event she feels former Gov. Bob McDonnell and Cuccinelli’s policies towards women’s reproductive health rights were “frightening.”  “Having Democrats in the statewide offices will really help to advance equal rights for our friends and co-workers and neighbors,” added Green.

And how nice to see all traces of McDonnell expunged from the governor's web site.  Considering that his would-be successors were part of the hardcore, carefully-groomed Falwell/Robertson God Squad, all I can say this morning is, God sure do work in mysterious ways.

JEERS to bad pipe dreams.  Meanwhile in America's other Virginia, fifteen percent of the state finds itself without usable tap water for the fifth day in a row, and authorities say it'll probably be several more before things get back to normal.  The coal companies have offered to help by blowing the tops off some mountains to see if there's water underneath (it's worth a try!), and the natural-gas industry says it's standing by to truck in some of its fracking water for residents to guzzle (it's perfectly safe!).  Of course, the literally-unwashed rabble isn’t the only group inconvenienced by the negligent discharge of chemicals into a river affecting nine West Virginia counties.  The corporations responsible are bracing for possible momentary pangs of guilt as they find themselves in the process of not being prosecuted or punished.

CHEERS to one of the good guys.  On this date 36 years ago, Minnesota Senator Hubert Humphrey of Minnesota---aka Mayor of Minneapolis, LBJ's vice president, and fierce advocate in the war on poverty---died much too young at 66.  He was wise:

Hubert Humphrey
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"Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism."
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"Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law."
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"Liberalism, above all, means emancipation---emancipation from one's fears, his inadequacies, from prejudice, from discrimination, from poverty."
And a special shoutout from Humphrey to the teabaggers:
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
Amen.

JEERS to love boat on the rocks.  The cruise ship Costa Concordia sank off the coast of Italy on this date two years ago.  The listing hulk was righted last year in an amazing feat of engineering, and here's an update on its sad, sorry fate:

swan boat
The Costa Condordia now sits aright off
Italy's coast. A salvage company will
pluck its feathers in June.
An operation to remove the wreck of the Costa Concordia…will begin in June, officials say.  The stricken liner will then be taken away to be scrapped.  Ports in Italy, Britain, France, Turkey and China are bidding for the lucrative contract to dismantle the ship, Italian officials said.

The captain, Francesco Schettino, is currently on trial for multiple charges of manslaughter and for abandoning ship.

I looked it up, and the traditional gift for the two-year anniversary of a ship that was wrecked by an idiot out to impress his buddies on the bridge is a gold facepalm.

CHEERS to gravity-defiance.  Good news for anyone making plans to be a "space tourist" one day.  A company called Virgin Galactic launched its SS2 spacecraft and then turned on its thrusters for several moments of unfettered thrusting---longer and harder than ever before---until it reached a dramatic climax at 71,000 ft. and then fell into an exhausted but immensely satisfied and intact heap on the tarmac.  In response, the American Family Association called for an immediate boycott of Virgin Galactic for promoting such disgusting behavior.

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Five years ago in C&J: January 13, 2009

CHEERS to early morning Jeopardy:

President Obama signs the repeal of the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy
This president signed
the DADT repeal.
"I’ll take Things That Should've Disappeared Long Ago for $200, Alex."

"Barack Obama's press secretary, Robert Gibbs, responded Friday with an unambiguous 'YES!' to this question."

"What is, 'Is the new administration going to get rid of the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy?'"

[DingDingDing!!!]

Which brings us to our next category: "Things I'll Believe When I See Them."  [1/13/14 Update:  DADT---1993-2011---RIP]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the drunken victors and their false idols.  The Golden Globes were handed out last night.  Best line, by Tina Fey: "[In 'Gravity'] George Clooney would rather float away in space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."  Congrats to the winners, including:

Best Drama: 12 Years A Slave
Best Comedy or Musical: American Hustle
Amy Adams for American Hustle
Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street
Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club
Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club
Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle
Alphonso Cuaron for directing Gravity
Spike Jonze for his Her script
Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad and Michael Douglas for Behind the Candelabra
This year's event was marred by acceptance speeches that sounded more like filibusters and winners who took an exceptionally long time to wind their way from their table to the stage.  Organizers say it's the last time the Golden Globes will delegate traffic flow to the New Jersey Port Authority.

Have a nice Monday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Jim Garrow Reveals Bill in Portland Maine's Secret Plan To Use Aliens And Canadians To Plot Against America
---Right Wing Watch.

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Poll

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