From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Today's Republican Politician Horoscopes
Aries A good day to pretend you care about deficits. Don't let facts cloud your judgment. Take time to stop and smell the leather wingback chairs.
Taurus Discuss cuts in food stamps with your caucus over chateaubriand and a bottle of 1978 Romanée-Conti Grand Cru that you'll charge to your taxpayer-funded expense account. Tonight: keep your manicure scissors nearby in case your mistress gets her jewelry caught in your chest hair again.
Gemini Practice saying into a mirror: "I know nothing. Nothing!" Then check on the progress of your shredding crew.
Cancer Sad thoughts may bedevil you today. Clear them out of your head by thinking of oil. Tonight: party like it's 1899.Leo Take time to stick your nose in a gay couple's bedroom and craft legislation restricting whatever it is you catch them doing. Tonight: clean your gun without checking to see if there's a round in the chamber because you're a responsible gun owner and there probably isn't."Hey, Republican, what's
your sign? Oh. Right. Duh."
Virgo A good day to lawyer up. Not that you did anything wrong! Still, a very, very good day to lawyer up. Tonight: practice saying "mistakes were made" in the mirror.
Libra Accuse your opponents of playing the blame game. When they accuse you of playing the blame game by accusing them of playing the blame game, feign chest pains until they apologize. Then start playing the blame-them-for-your-chest-pains game.
Scorpio Replenish your campaign coffers by sending out a fundraising email defending a conservative TV personality for exercising his freedom of speech by saying things you agree with, and insisting he keep talking! Add a P.S. suggesting he should get into politics.
Sagittarius Replenish your campaign coffers by sending out a fundraising email accusing a liberal TV personality of saying things you disagree with, and insisting that he shut up! Add a P.S. suggesting he should stay out of politics.
Capricorn Today you'll get the urge to express your opposition to immigration reform by accusing illegals of smuggling 700 pounds of marijuana across the border in their spleens. If someone voices skepticism, question their patriotism.
Aquarius Count your blessings as a white Republican, such as unfettered access to the voting booth, better income and educational opportunities, and less chance of getting stopped and frisked and/or arrested and/or convicted and/or shot. Tonight: try and get one answer right on Jeopardy.
Pisces Don’t take no for an answer. Give no for an answer.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Note: Stupid thermostat---I turn it up to 99 and the temperature in the apartment can barely straggle above 92. Landlord's about to get an earful.
Days 'til Michelle Obama turns 50: 3
Days 'til the Oregon Truffle Festival in Eugene: 10
Original estimate of how much of the chemical Crude MCHM spilled into West Virginia's Elk River: 2,000-5,000 gallons
Revised estimate: 7,000 gallons
(Source: Think Progress)
Years in which the upper and lower level of the George Washington Bridge first opened: 1931/1962
Height of the support towers on the GWB: 604 feet
Number of tips Keith Olbermann got in his tip jar after posting his first diary at Daily Kos six years ago today: 1,365
Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
This is disheartening, to say the least. And by "this" I mean this extremely lame excuse of a diary that absolves Christie of anything nefarious. The guy is a thug - a mobster. There is NO PLACE in an honest political party for this guy.All together now: 1…2…3… That's why he's a Republican!
---Commenter Alphcon at RedState
Puppy Pic of the Day: Even dogs hate the damn alarm clock…
CHEERS to positive ink. Check out the headlines Republicans are waking up to this morning:
• Associated Press: “Health care enrollment spikes in Utah in December”Numbers are soaring everywhere: six million signups through the exchanges or Medicaid expansion so far, and that doesn't include the last two-and-a-half weeks. At this rate the ACA will hit its March goal easily, and effectively torch the basket Republicans have put all their campaign rhetoric in. I haven't signed up yet, but I probably will soon. I'm waiting for God to give me a sign. Specifically: "Enroll Now, Get Free Mouse Pad!" What can I say...I'm a sucker for cheap freebies.
• Detroit News: “Feds: Michigan experiences 11-fold increase in health care sign-ups”
• Sun-Sentinel: “Obamacare enrollment gains traction in Florida”
• Stevens Point Journal: “Obamacare enrollment soars in Wisconsin”
• Albuquerque Business First: “New Mexico’s Healthcare.gov enrollment soars”
• WSFA: “More Alabamians signing up for health insurance”
• Capital New York: “Strong Obamacare numbers from NY exchange director”
• Des Moines Register: “7,500 Iowans have signed up for private insurance on healthcare.gov, compared to 757 a month ago”
• The Gazette: “Colorado health insurance enrollments continue at steady pace”
• WLTX: “Health Insurance Enrollment Spikes in South Carolina”
• Billings Gazette: “Montana sign-ups for Obamacare policies surge in December
JEERS to Governor Payback. I can't keep up with all the charges---snubbed mayors, back-stabbings, financial misdeeds, revenge, incompetence---being slapped to the hull of the S.S. I'm Not A Bully. So let this be your proverbial picture worth a thousand words:
CHEERS to stopping with all the shooting and the banging and the bayoneting and whatnot. 230 years ago today, on January 14, 1784, Congress ratified the Treaty of Paris, officially ending the War of Independence. It also included earmarks for a pantaloon museum, a giant biodome for the study of butterfly flatulence, and a bridge to nowhere. Say this for Congress---they learned quickly.
CHEERS to a somewhat enduring career in animation. Unreal---anyone born in 1987 or later has never known life without The Simpsons. After spending a couple seasons as "shorts" on The Tracey Ullman Show, Homer & Co. began their regular run as a half-hour show---with the full title sequence---on Fox on this date in 1990. For the most part, it's as sharp as ever, and they apparently have no plans to quit anytime soon. Today in the C&J cafeteria:
Five years ago in C&J: January 14, 2009
CHEERS to Hillary Clinton. She aced her confirmation hearing yesterday and there's zero suspense about whether or not she'll be confirmed as Secretary of State. And get this: she says the Obama administration wants to sit down with people we don’t necessarily like and do something radical: talk about stuff. It's just crazy enough to work.
And just one more…
Not even this label?
I hereby label this day "Tuesday!" Have a good'un. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
If you are not a Christian, you are going to Cheers and Jeers. It's not unloving to say that. It's unloving to not say that.