Last night, Jon Stewart went after the Senators who are trying to kill the fragile nuclear deal with have with Iran, comparing them to Justin Bieber.
We are also on the verge of an historic treaty with Iran.
JONATHAN KARL, ABC (1/12/2014): January 20th, that's the date that Iran will begin to dismantle part of its nuclear program, eliminating some of its nuclear fuel.
JIM SCIUTTO, CNN (1/13/2014): Beginning February 1st, over six months sanctions relief will be paid out in eight installments of roughly half a billion dollars each for a total of $4.2 billion dollars in unfrozen overseas assets.
What the hell? Look at that graphic! We can't even send money to Iran without it looking like we're bombing them! (audience laughter)
Still, for the first time in decades, we would have diplomatic relations with Iran and a means of ensuring that they would not obtain a nuclear weapon. Just so long as nobody comes in and figuratively throws eggs at the entire thing.
CAROL COSTELLO (1/13/2014): The greatest threat to that long awaited deal is taking shape on Capitol Hill. Lawmakers ... are inching towards slapping Iran with new, harsh U.S. sanctions.
And there you have it. That is how these two stories are related. Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government. (audience cheering and applause) Throwing away for no reason whatsoever, throwing away a tremendous opportunity because of immaturity and a lack of self-control. We got Great Britain, France, Russia, China, Germany, and Iran to all agree to this. What are you doing??
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (11/25/2013): My goal is to get new sanctions in place.
(in Graham voice) "It's not just a goal, it's a resolution!" (audience laughter and applause) "2014's gonna be a new year for Lindsey Beauregard Graham!"
You want new sanctions, Graham? What were you telling us before Iran came to the table about the reason for the sanctions?
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (11/10/2013): We believe that sanctions and the threat of military force is the only thing that's going to bring the Iranians to the table.
Well, they're at the fucking table!! Sanctions got them to the table! And now you want to do more sanctions on top of that to... what? Get them closer to the table? Do they have to just be like this?
(audience cheering)
Is that it? Is that what you want? It's like sanctions are the tax cuts of foreign policy. It's always the right answer. Iran won't come to the table. Sanctions. Iran will come to the table. Sanctions. You will turn the TV off right now, mister, or sanctions!
FOX NEWS (1/10/2014): The administration is on defense because there are now 59 Senators, including 16 Democrats, who have defied the President to support a bill to ready new sanctions if diplomatic talks fail.
16 Demo... Demo... Demo... Demo... wha... Demo... Demo... who? What?? I get Republicans; they would line up to oppose Obama on the Orgasms Cure Cancer Act, or a resolution finding Jennifer Lawrence delightful. But Democrats! Democrats! Why would they vote for this?
EX-REP. JANE HARMAN, D-CA (11/25/2013): Well, uh, I think a lot of them haven't read it yet.
(audience laughter)
Really? They haven't read it yet? Well, that's never slowed them down before.
(audience cheering and applause)
Why? Why are the Democrats really voting for this?
EX-REP. JANE HARMAN, D-CA (11/25/2013): But I also think that with big parts of the pro-Israel lobby in the United States being against it, the country of Israel being against it, that's a stiff hill to climb.
Oh, well that makes sense. The Senators from the great state of Israel are against it, and we don't want to go against the Senators from the great state of... wait a minute, that's not in our country! That's a whole other country entirely! Why do we have to listen to them?
I mean, Israel is our ally, and Iran, I guess, is still pretty provocative.
JON SCOTT (1/14/2014): Some outrageous comments from Iranian President Hassan Rouhani on the recent nuclear deal between the U.S. and other Western powers.
Ooh, outrageous comments from Rouhani. Ooh, I have them right here, actually. Here's what he said.
"Secretary of State John Kerry turned up here, acting out of misplaced obsession and messianic fervor. ... The American security plan ... is not worth the paper it's printed on."
You can't talk smack about America and not get hit hard, Iran! That shit don't... (listens to earpiece) wait, I'm sorry, I'm being told... I'm sorry, that statement wasn't from the Iranian President Rouhani, it was from the Israeli defense minister Moshe Yaalon. I apologize.
(audience gasps, then applauds)
I'm sorry, I apologize. He was talking about the Palestinian peace talks situation, and his lack of interest in a two-state solution. That's my bad.
So that's our ally. We wouldn't want to offend them by negotiating a treaty with a completely separate entity, which now that I know that, I see it was really just... constructive criticism on his part. So that makes sense. (audience laughter)
What did Rouhani say?
FOX NEWS (1/14/2014): Rouhani even took to social media to tweet: "World powers surrendered to Iranian nation's will".
(audience laughter)
Why the fuck do we even bother? Are there any foreign powers more mature than these guys that we can deal with?
(audience laughter)
We'll be right back.
Video below the fold.
Meanwhile, Stephen looked at
U.S. advertising before turning his attention to news about
college and pro football.
He then covered the
mistress scandal engulfing French Prime Minister Francois Hollande.
Stephen talked with
Gabriel Sherman, who just published the book about Fox News that Roger Ailes doesn't want you to read, and Jon had
two segments with former Defense Secretary
Robert Gates, which still went long. Here's the unedited interview in four parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4