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The Housing and Student Living Office at Brigham Young University has a new video out and it's a doozy. Narrated by the president of BYU, Kim B. Clark, the video admonishes his students that not reporting your masturbating roommate to your friendly Bishop is exactly like leaving a wounded soldier for dead on the battlefield.

The video begins by introducing us to a hopelessly porn-addicted young man looking at naughty bits on his laptop. His neglectful roommate knows he's in there giving himself a little treat, yet does not storm in to remove his hairy palm from off his Johnson. For shame!

Cut away now to this horny young man in uniform, laying on the ground dazed and confused, while a battle rages around him. Apparently, no one gives a good damn about his predicament until his roommate a soldier spies him and is overcome by pity. In a fit of heroics, artillery exploding all around him, he dashes to the soldier's aid and rescues him in the nick of time. We then cut back to the dorm where, after having been thoroughly shamed into stopping with all that sordid tugging, we learn this lost soul is going to be okay, if not a little sexually frustrated.


The temptations of The Great War are many. The battle is real and the strategies are clever. The enemy is cruel, ruthless and relentless. We must not underestimate the danger. We must be vigilant and valiant.

A lonely confused young man gets addicted to pornography. His roommates know but they do nothing to help him. He stops going to church and there is darkness in his eyes. The young man is spiritually wounded on the battlefield of The Great War.

In our modern society, the enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone’s in trouble, and has fostered a social stigma against people who speak up in the face of evil. The enemy whispers, ‘Don’t get involved. It's not your problem. Don't tell. You'll be a tattletale.'

Oh brothers and sisters, don't leave the wounded on the battlefield. Stick together. You don't need to be a more righteous than thou person. We're all sinners. We all have troubles. We've all been spiritually wounded on the battlefield of The Great War. But you have felt the redeeming power of Christ. You who know his love and his grace, you know he can heal all wounds.

If you reach out in a spirit of love and humility, you can help the spiritually wounded find the savior. If you need to, talk to your bishop. Tell someone who can do something, that you have a friend in trouble. Don't be silent. Don't leave the wounded on the battlefield.

Throughout this, Clark doesn't mention just exactly what actions BYU or the church elders might take if a student gets outed for giving it a wank. Do they get demerits? Is their holy underwear swapped out for a hair shirt? Are they paraded through Temple Square with a giant red M stitched across their chest?

Something tells me that Kim B. Clark spends an inordinate amount of time worrying about all that monkey spanking going on. Perhaps he should find himself a hobby.

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