Last night, Jon Stewart covered the farce of a report from New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie's (R) own lawyers that absolved him of any wrongdoing in Bridgegate, and then discussed his 2016 ambitions and weekend trip to Vegas with Sam Bee.
So seriously, Governor Christie, you feel exonerated.Video and full transcript below the fold.
NEW JERSEY GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE, R (3/28/2014): Yeah, I do. But I also always knew that this where it would end.We know! You ain't Nostradamus. "You know, Megyn, months ago, I visited an oracle who killed a goat, read the entrails, and saw in a vision that my hand-picked legal team would write a report exonerating me of all wrongdoing." (audience laughter)
There's been a very big development in the Chris Christie Bridgegate scandal.Jon then covered some local Democratic politicians who've recently been in the news for getting arrested for corruption.
TYLER MATHISEN, CNBC (3/27/2014): Results of an investigation commissioned by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into the Bridgegate scandal have been released today.I wonder... what the results will be... of the investigation that Chris Christie himself commissioned. Perhaps I'll read about it in this scandal's paper of record, The Christie Sun Times Picayune.
But obviously, I have not seen the report. What does it say?MEGYN KELLY (3/28/2014): So this report has just come out, and it exonerates you completely. Do you feel exonerated?(in Jersey accent) "Hey, it better. It cost me a million fucking dollars! And by me, I mean you, if you are a New Jersey taxpayer. Anyway, stronger than the storm. Christie 2012."
So seriously, Governor Christie, you feel exonerated.NEW JERSEY GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE, R (3/28/2014): Yeah, I do. But I also always knew that this where it would end.We know! You ain't Nostradamus. "You know, Megyn, months ago, I visited an oracle who killed a goat, read the entrails, and saw in a vision that my hand-picked legal team would write a report exonerating me of all wrongdoing." (audience laughter)
But by the way, if Christie is not responsible for this Bridgegate, who is?KELLY O'DONNELL (3/28/2014): The internal review heaped all the blame for shutting down lanes on former Port Authority official David Wildstein and Christie's former top aide Bridget Anne Kelly.It also explains why the official report was titled, "Bitches Be Crazy, Right?" (audience laughter) That's what I'm talking about.
LUKE RUSSERT (3/28/2014): They said, this is about Bridget Kelly, "She 'seemed emotional.' She was 'habitually concerned about how she was perceived by the governor.' A boyfriend had ended a relationship. ... Portraying Ms. Kelly as duplicitous, weeping frequently and dependent on men for approval and stability."
Wait a minute!! How did that hashtag get on there?? (audience laughter) Damn you Internet!! It worked so quickly!
So case closed. You know what that means.NEWS REPORT (3/30/2014): Chris Christie got his mojo back.Christie has gone from being a desert of mojo to a veritable mojoasis. As you can see on this Jersey region mojometer.
CRAIG MELVIN (3/29/2014): ... mojo, swagger ...
STATE ASSEMBLYWOMAN HOLLY SCHEPISI, R-NJ (3/29/2014): His mojo is back, he is back.
STEVE KORNACKI (3/29/2014): It's the old Christie, it's the mojo Christie.
In December, Christie was barely at "sits quietly at a Jets game".
But now, he's up to "wears a tracksuit to a funeral". (audience laughter) He's got his groove back, and he didn't even have to go to Jamaica and fall in love with Taye Diggs.
(shocked audience laughter)
So, with Christie's campaign back in gear, the governor did what anybody on a hot streak and within driving distance of Atlantic City would do. He went to Las Vegas. It's just....JAN CRAWFORD, CBS (3/27/2014): The Republican governors are heading west to Las Vegas. ... They're speaking at the spring meeting of the Republican Jewish Coalition. But more important, their private talks with one man — Republican super-donor Sheldon Adelson.Wait, why would Christie go to Vegas to impress a guy whose Jeopardy! intro would be "an ultra-Zionist who makes most of his money off gambling addicts in Macau"?
CHUCK TODD (3/31/2014): Sheldon Adelson, the GOP super-donor who gave more than $90 million dollars in his attempt to stop Barack Obama's re-election in 2012.Oh right. He throws millions of dollars away on political campaigns from his tricked-out scooter.
FOX NEWS (3/29/2014): In 2012, the Newt Gingrich campaign got $15 million dollars from Adelson. Mitt Romney got $30 million.
Well I can't, for one, wait for the re-mojoed Governor of New Jersey to take his famous straight honest talk to Vegas to speak truth to money.CRAIG MELVIN (3/31/2014): New Jersey Governor Chris Christie apologizing.Apolo... what?! Christie doesn't apologize! What's he apologizing for, kicking Adelson's ass? Or, what is he actually apologizing for?
MIKA BRZEZINSKI (3/31/2014): Apologizing for referring to the West Bank as "occupied territories" while speaking at the Republican Jewish Coalition.OH MY GOD, HE DID WHAT?!? Oh, I forgot, cuz only an ultra left-wing peacenik loser would refer to that area of the West Bank as the occupied territories.
GEORGE W. BUSH (5/9/2003): Israel must stop settlement activity in the occupied territories.Get a job, hippie!!
JON STEWART: For more, we turn to Senior Zionist Billionaire Correspondent Samantha Bee. Sam, thanks for joining us, we appreciate it. Sam, let me ask you, this is crazy. If Sheldon Adelson doesn't approve of a term as widely accepted as "occupied territories", what does he think is an acceptable term for that area?
SAM BEE: Oh, you know, Sheldon's not picky. He's open to a number of different names — outer Israel, Israel-in-waiting, Palestinian Terror Emporium.
JON STEWART: Yeah, listen. Those are not the most objective terms.
SAM BEE: Oh, what, and occupied territories is fair? I mean, that clearly suggests territories that are being occupied, perhaps by some foreign military or countless foreign settlements.
JON STEWART: You just described the West Bank. That is exactly what is happening in the West Bank. That is what it is.
SAM BEE: OK, Daily Show with Yasser Arafat. I gotcha.
JON STEWART: No, that's not... this is not... listen. When did the guy who makes Donald Trump's hair look natural get veto power over every word Republicans say about Israel?
SAM BEE: Oh, not just Israel, Jon. He also wants unions to be called "thug collectives". Offshore tax havens are now "money resorts". And he does not use a motorized scooter, he practices "extreme sitting". (audience laughter) So rad!
JON STEWART: I'll give you that the man is champion sitter. Listen. But how can anyone claim to be a leader if they are bending over backwards to please an 80-year-old gambling mogul?
SAM BEE: I'm sorry, he prefers 40-year-old jackpot facilitator. So, if you don't mind.
JON STEWART: I just can't believe that these supposed men of integrity are so willing to change their behavior for money.
SAM BEE: Oh really, Jon? Well then, how do you feel about Taco Bell, one of the Daily Show's major sponsors?
JON STEWART: (awkward pause) I think it's a taste sensation. (audience laughter) That thinks outside the bun to provide American families with a wholesome and nutritious dining experience. (crying) Taco Bell, Live Más.
(audience laughter and applause)
SAM BEE: Yeah, you know what, I thought you might say that, and that is why I sent some over for you!
JON STEWART: Oh, no, you don't have to do that. You don't have to do that at all, I mean... what?!
JON STEWART: Thank you, oh Roman Centurion. Mmm! (takes bite out of taco) I'm definitely not going to poop all night! (audience laughter)
SAM BEE: Yeah! Eat up, whore! Woo!!!
JON STEWART: Samantha Bee, everybody. We'll be right back.
Meanwhile, Stephen devoted most of his show to talking about the ridiculously stupid #CancelCobert viral hashtag from this weekend after some people misinterpreted (deliberately so?) a tweet from his show that he didn't even send, claiming Colbert was racist against Asians. He even got Twitter co-founder Biz Stone to help him out of that situation.