This last weekend there was a whole mess of meta, a lot of which was centered around bisexuality and bisexuals. That whole mess inspired me to write this diary about my life and experiences as a bisexual man, one who is out to just about everyone, even though I could easily hide behind my wife and kids and look like I was straight.
It took a long time for me to come out fully, and if you'll follow below the orange swirlycone you'll find out why.
I was born the only son of a family of five. I have an older sister and a younger sister. Both of my parents are extremely religious, and extremely right wing. I remember as an 8 year old getting my ass paddled until it was purple because my older sister and I were pretending to be wizards. Wizards of course use magic, which is of course, satanic.
When I was 14 I started playing D&D with friends. I had to hide my books as though they were a stash of cocaine or something. Most parents would be happy that their kid isn't out partying and instead is sitting around a table with friends basically telling stories and doing basic math. Not my folks, they'd bought into every scare tactic and fantasy the religious right could peddle their way.
I'm telling you this so you get a picture of what my world was. I was homeschooled until seventh grade and the only thing I knew about sex was that it was evil if done outside of marraige, and if you used a condom it wouldn't work and you'd catch AIDS and die. That was the entirety of my sex education. (did I mention my mother started two of those noxious "pregnancy care centers" and that I spent a lot of my early life at marches with sweaty, intense eyed people waving signs with dismembered fetus parts on them?). So my view of sex was pretty skewed even before I hit puberty.
I had always been mocked and teased at school. I was tall for my age, and what my mother liked to call "sensitive". Which to a pack of middle schoolers means I was easy meat. At first I didn't even know what they were calling me, I had to look up what the word faggot meant when I first encountered it at age 12 (7th grade, oh yeah I skipped a grade, which made things even 'better'). By the time things happened with Mark I was pretty used to getting called gay at school. Thankfully he was just as much in the closet as I was, I wouldn't have been able to go back there if anyone else knew.
I recall my very first sexual experience pretty well. His name was Mark, he was two years older than me (I was 15). And he'd done this sort of thing before, I hadn't. It only happened the one time, because that was the only time I allowed it. Afterwards I spent several days convinced I was going to hell and praying for forgiveness. Very shortly after that I got my first girlfriend and essentially threw myself into the relationship so I could prove I was 'normal'. I'm very fortunate that she was on birth control, otherwise I'd have been a father at 15. Like I said, my sex ed consisted of scare tactics and nothing else. Only way I found out that gayness existed was through experiencing it myself.
By the time I was a senior in high school I was in full denial of myself. I knew that I was attracted to boys, and girls. but I just ignored the half of me lusting after guys and kept on going out with girls. It was easy. I was normal... and I wanted to die.
I got kicked out of high school for sexual misconduct my senior year. That's a story for another time though, suffice it to say that I had enough credits to graduate so they couldn't stop me. And I was off to college at the age of 17.
I was supposed to commute to college, but I found a girl, and shacked up in her dorm. Things at my parents house had degenerated to the point that when I did come home I got the shit beaten out of me by my dad. So, I took off, and stayed away. I'd had enough of the beatings, and the preaching, and the self righteous hypocrisy.
The girl I was dating turned out to be a no good cheater, just like most of the girls I gravitated towards. Most of the time I was a moth to a flame, drifting along to whatever burned the brightest, and always choking back the part of me that wanted something more. In order to shut it up I started drinking, a lot. Of course, as anyone can tell you, once you're drunk and your inhibitions go, the thing you are trying to repress goes too.
And I found something out. When people found out that you liked guys and girls, they didn't say "oh cool". Instead they'd tell you about how you were going through a phase and just transitioning to your "true" orientation.
I had been going to meetings of the colleges GL support group and finally stopped after listening to a long winded rant about how filthy us Bi's were. Of course no one can rant incoherently like a college sophomore all high off his intro to philosophy course and full of the conviction that only 18-20 year olds seem to possess. If I'd known then what I do now I'd have had the patience to deal with it. But I didn't, so I stomped out, never to return, and for years that was my vision of the GL "community". Self righteous pricks all too eager to jump on their crosses and judge anyone who didn't fit into their idea of what a proper gay person should be. This was terribly narrow minded and foolish of me, I know that now. But I didn't then.
I met my wife when I was 18, and she was 26. I actually met her while hooking up with a guy that she was kind of interested in (long complicated story with no real bearing on this one, so I'm not going to elaborate). She had two kids, and I had always wanted a family.
Fast forward several years of us bumping along comfortably. She knows I'm bi, but no one else does, and I'm ok with that. After all, I'm with her, so no one needs to know right? And as for what I want? Fuck it, have another jack and coke and it'll shut up eventually.
About six years ago, my wife began to question her gender orientation. For a time she wondered if she was transgender, and it broke my safe little hidey hole. If she started presenting, I'd no longer be safe, no longer be hidden. I have to say I took it pretty poorly. Lots of tears, lots of fear, LOTS of booze...
And something just, broke.
The wall that had been sitting in my soul for so long, all that calcified self loathing and hardened bitterness started to crumble down as we moved to the city and started meeting people, wonderful people. Gay people, trans people, all sorts of people. And finally I saw folks living their lives without the fear that had crippled me for so long. It took a lot of work, and I'm still working through some of the feelings of guilt instilled by my religious brainwashing from childhood. But I finally felt like I could start to tell people about myself.
My wife became pregnant with our first child, and a large part of her dysphoria faded away when she did. For her, she had a hormone imbalance of some sort that was causing her to feel overtly male. She's always had a more masculine affect though, so it wasn't just the hormones. And PLEASE don't think that I'm saying trans folks are all just hormone imbalanced, my eldest stepchild is trans and I know that she was just born in the wrong body, we've known it for years. I'm only talking about my wife's case in particular so again, don't infer anything from it.
I started coming out to friends about the time my son Felix was born, 3 years ago. We found a church that was accepting and affirming (as they call it) and my first words to the pastor were "Hi, my name's Joel, I'm Bisexual" and then I watched to see if he flinched or reacted poorly. He didn't and neither did anyone else there, so we stayed.
I came out to my parents, and that didn't go well at all. Suffice it to say that they love me, but I'm going to burn in hell and that's all there is to it. It's upsetting, but not as upsetting as living a lie was.
My wife has been an angel through everything, she's been super awesome and supportive. She's honestly, kept me alive through a lot of it.
Oh, and now that I'm out... I don't really drink much anymore. A few beers every now and again, but nothing like the 6 day a week benders I used to live on.
So that's my story, sorry it's so long, but there it is. If you have any questions for me I'll try and answer in the comments best as I can.