It’s not uncommon to hear the words “bloodsucker” and “republican” in the same sentence -- but what if I told you, the reader, that it literally goes together for one aspiring politician? What if I told you he claims to be a “satanic witch” to boot?
Think I’m joking? Think I’m pulling your leg? I’m not. There’s a fringe republican candidate who runs for political office nearly every election cycle.
His name is Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey and he wants to be your ruler and drink your blood!
He's ran for president of the United States and governor of Minnesota multiple times. He has been involved in a few third parties over the years that include the Reform Party and a very fringe group of ghouls called the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party.
The Impaler’s bizarre platform includes:
Impaling criminals with his DIY stake!
Using alleged mafia connections to attack drug dealers!
Giving legislators grim ultimatums if they do not pass bills and laws for his monarchical needs.
Basically, he’ll take the U.S. Constitution along with civil rights and throw it right out the window. Any one in the House or Senate who disagree with Sharkey would get impaled and displayed on the White House lawn. Who would have guessed that such a blood thirsty vampire would be such an avid pro-lifer! No joke!
Believe it or not but “The Fanged Campaigner” has had his time in the local and national spotlight. He’s made appearances on Fox and Friends, The Situation with Tucker Carlson, Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld, and even got a shout out from Tina Fey during her days on Saturday Night Live!
While Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey seems like a humorous news story on a boring news day, he also has a very dark past. He was on the Secret Service’s radar for making threats to impale President George W. Bush. He was jailed for threatening an Indiana judge. The most alarming is his tendency to brainwash underage and impressionable girls while taking them out of state from their parents. After one underage female broke up their internet relationship, he harassed her and claimed she was a vampire hunter. If you're not in love with him, you're the spawn of Van Helsing. Sounds logical to me. With a list like that, who wouldn't want this undead creep to reign over us?
So why am I bringing up Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey? Why am I bringing up a virtual nobody in a political war that he couldn’t win even on the smallest local battlefield? Because if you put aside his gimmick, he’s really no different than the politicians we currently read about in the news. He’s no creepier than former Florida House representative Mark Foley who allegedly sent sexual messages to underage males online. He’s no creepier than former New York U.S. representative Anthony Weiner who couldn‘t keep his penis from his cell phone. An image first seen by several women and then the entire world. A compulsion that poor Weiner couldn’t kick even after the first scandal. Scandals that quite possibly kept him from becoming the mayor of New York City.
Maybe The Imapler’s behavior isn’t as odd in the political world as voters would like to think. Maybe it’s more common. What a scary thought, but the past outing of politicians just seem to be getting stranger and stranger. The latest being a republican named Jake Rush who’s running for congress in the state of Florida. He brings a lot to the party’s ticket. He’s a talented lawyer and former sheriff’s deputy. Just one little stain on his fancy white canvas -- he has a fetish for rape fantasies. Perhaps his fetish should come in handy since most politicians find ways to rape us anyway. On the bright side, he does cos-play as the Flash, a superhero from the D.C. Comics universe.
Sadly, I don’t think this kind of behavior is uncommon. It’s a matter of who gets caught and who’s better at hiding their taboo.
To conclude, I have a confession to make. I know Jonathon Sharkey. I met him back in 2007 and became hooked by his eccentric character and the media‘s fascination with him. I wouldn’t say I admire him as someone to look up to but I couldn’t look away from his madness either. He’s like a car wreck that you can’t look away from. I even made a film about The Impaler called “Impaled: Painfully Blunt!” It was made on a shoe string budget. The audio and lightning sucks, but I believe the content is rather entertaining and insightful. I’m also on his impaling list so let’s hope he doesn’t get elected to high office anytime soon.
Take away The Impaler’s makeup, black cape, and fangs -- and what do you have? You just might discover that he resembles the common politician. He just might be the template for the typical politician. Now that's a vampire movie worth making!
SOURCES:
‘Impaler’ pledges to impale Bush
So-Called Vampire Jailed For Threatening Bush, Court Official
Jonathan Sharkey's teen girlfriend taken into custody by Faribault police
Paige Brewer released to mother, Jonathon Sharkey rides Greyhound out of town
"The Situation with Tucker Carlson (transcript)"
'The Impaler' Jailed After Allegedly Harassing 'Vampire Hunter'
Cool Cleveland Interview with Director of Impaled: Painfully Blunt!
Impaled a Winner at the Geauga Film Festival