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I am very sorry for such a horrendous diary title on such a special day tomorrow June 15, 2014 -- Father`s Day.

But that`s the way it is.

I got this horrific news yesterday Friday while undergoing a follow-up eye examination after I went through eye cataract surgery a couple of years ago. You may recall that I wrote on some occasions about that medical procedure.

Once again, a year later on June-to-the-day after my heart attack I am fearing for my life.

I have kept this bad news to myself here at home. I came home from the doctor`s visit at around 4 p.m. and my son had already passed by and I did not get to see him yesterday Friday. Today Saturday he does not work so I will not see him soon, I guess.

And my daughter and grand kids, they seldom come over so telling them over the phone is out of the question. I cannot find the right words to even imagine breaking the bad news to my family. What I found this morning about ocular cancer is hair raising ass-fear.

My one greatest fear of this threat to my life and dying is telling my wife. I know, I know I am not going to die today, or tomorrow. But the mark is now within me. She is here at home with me this week end. I have not told her. I cannot even look into her eyes  with this lie I am carrying this morning. I say lie because that is how I see it, I try to act calm around her.

For her to spend tomorrow`s father days with this news is not going to happen.

Experts, or those with expertise I don`t have, You are Wanted, Alive!!!

This morning I come knocking on your door (once again) asking for guidance and advise.

I know that here at Daily Kos we have Kossacks going through their own cancer stages who know what the word fear I mention means. I have met some and one in particular that I have always felt close to, so I feel that I am in the right place.

I may indeed be over-reacting to what my doctor told me yesterday, which really was not much.  This morning I checked online based on what I was told and again I am in the same frame of mind as I was a year ago after I suffered a heart attack. I am writing this diary purely out of confusion. I know that here I will get some of the best advise other than what my doctor told me -- and again, which wasn`t much.

And that was my fault. I did not ask questions as I was dumb struck and mute-strucked as well by the horror that swept through me. I am now scheduled to see a eye-cancer specialist next Thursday. In the meantime, I need to let this out of my system. I bring my problem to you once again to tell you how it is:

I am looking at the yellow card that has been laying on my desk post-marked by the office of the Eye Care Specialist June 18, 2013. Originally it was for setting an appointment for the following month on Friday 13 to do a follow-up examination of my eyes. So that would`ve been in July 2013. A freaking year ago!

During the waiting period for my appointment date, as I already wrote, I had that mishap and unlucky life break and suffered the heart attack in June 2013. That incident set my whole set of life`s programs in shambles and in disorganized mode. In between came the harsh bad-ass unforgiving cold winter so I settled in and left that eye care appointment for later. Knowing that I could always re-schedule an appointment, I put this one on hold. I thought that was a good idea.

But it wasn`t. Now I am kicking myself for neglecting the appointment until yesterday.

I have come to feel quite comfortable visiting my eye-care specialist when given the opportunity, which have been several since eye-surgery. My doctor has always been straight up with me. He explains the conditions he finds following his staff`s taking the necessary pictures of my eyes, inside and around the back and whatnot.

Yesterday I let it be known that recently I had felt discomfort in my right eye. By this I do not mean pain. Rather I had been feeling like something was obstructing the freedom of my right eye to see clearly, like it somehow became teary and itchy at times. I had to rub my hand against the edge of my eye to gain control of the smudge the tears generated making it uncomfortable to read and watch TV without having to wipe the eye.

In a nut shell. In came the doctor to explain what his nursing staff had on paper noted down following routine eye-dialating drops poured into my eyes, pictures taken of both eyes as explained above. Covering my left eye first and then the right I also went through the drill of reading the letter chart on the wall in the dark. My right eye, it was noted, was a bit weak and a bit blurry. Oh well, I thought.

As my age, what else could I expect. My life`s span as I understand it has certainly exceeded its welcome mat I too understand, but the shock I got yesterday I do not understand. I don`t damit!!

The doctor told me everything in the back of my eyes was good. I took that to mean that nothing wrong was in the back of the eye-balls. So that was good I thought, then he went through a process where he used this shinny light on my right eye using a small (what looked to me like some kind of micro-scope) to shine the light around and the sides of my right eye.

You have developed a small "growth" that "I think is cancer"!!!

I could not think straight to ask anything. Well almost nothing, except, "what is that?" "what does that mean?"....

Many times, like many men and folks in particular have brashly uttered at least once in their life times:

"I am not afraid to die!..If I had to die, I wish it would be fast, or whatever. I know many of you have had this thought, and even blurted it out once of twice in your lifetime. I know I have and have done it many times in my life. But that was a lie.

I knew knuckled-bare fear a year ago when I thought I was going to die following that stupid heart attack. After I survived, I laughed just as many here at Daily Kos told me I  would after that scare.

I must tell you though, that I am scared silly once again. I even use the  excuse that I fear dying because of my family. That too is a lie.

Checking online on what I may have in my right eye what I found has put put the fear of (you can fill in the blank here) on me.

My doctor scheduled an appointment for me to see a eye-cancer specialist for next week. I feel a bit comfortable thinking of what he went on to tell me of what he found in his examination. He said it was a small growth. Good I thought.

The cancer specialist could remove that growth after looking into the size of the growth as I understood it. A small growth my doctor said. So I guess the advise I seek here with anyone with this type of eye-cancer information is, well, information.

I found that even this supposedly small growth removal requires some sort of surgery. Can you imagine, knowing that my eye will be cut open to remove this shit??? I read this information this morning prior to sitting down to write.

I have not been around lately, if you happen to check. That was never like me. If I enjoyed anything in this life, it is writing. I only write here at Daily Kos. But lately, it seems, fate had this for me I guess. I shut down my whole thinking process to set me up for this..

And it sucks.

I get a bit nausuated thinking about what I found online on eye cancer. It would be a real mistake trying to explain why I fear this new monster that now attacks me. So if you are interested read one of several articles that deal with my situation, perhaps you know someone or you yourself may one day fall in this square during your life span and be in jeopardy of contacting this monster.

This is real fear.

I apologize to all cancer victims here on Daily Kos and everywhere if I sound alarming to the extent of being obnoxious. At this end, I just wanted to tell you how it is.

Happy Father`s Day.

Peace.

Originally posted to Ole Texan on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:11 AM PDT.

Also republished by Genealogy and Family History Community and Monday Night Cancer Club.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Oh, my dear Ole Texan (31+ / 0-)

    What very horrible news for you and your family and for us who love you so much.  Please accept my prayers and daily thoughts for you.  I know some folks here find prayers mumbo jumbo but I find them a way to remember people I care about and hope the good thoughts find their way to healing and comfort.

    " My faith in the Constitution is whole; it is complete; it is total." Barbara Jordan, 1974

    by gchaucer2 on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:16:16 AM PDT

  •  Ole Texan (49+ / 0-)

    Stay off online sites about eyes.  Leave the questions and conjecture to your visit with your eye specialist.

    That being said, I know you are very scared. I had a mastectomy at age 31. I was petrified. I have survived for 40 years and am grateful.

    Remember the doctor said two things, "a small growth" and "I think it may be cancer". Nothing definitive yet. Blessings that the growth is small and the doctor "thinks".

    I will keep you in my thoughts as you navigate your way through this. You made it through a heart attack and I believe you will make it through this. Peace. P

    “Listen--are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?” ― Mary Oliver

    by weezilgirl on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:26:02 AM PDT

  •  (((((Hugs))))) Ole Texan (16+ / 0-)

    My thoughts are with you... Don't know what to say.
    Don't lose hope and the family has to know and this probably scares you more than the cancer... Their reaction.
    I love your posts and comments.   Think as positive as you can.   I have an uncle who is 85 I believe or 86 who was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and it has spread BUT his treatment has continued and he continues to improve.
    My suggestion is to tell  the closest one to you and you both share telling the others.  It might be a little easier.

    Just how much Koch do Right Wingers want in their life? . United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:31:20 AM PDT

  •  Good luck with all of this! (27+ / 0-)

    Weezilgirl is right about the online sites - go to your visit with the specialist with a postive frame of mine (if you can) and enough calmness that you can ask questions until you understand what the situation is, what the options are, and what the likely outcomes are going to be.

    My personal suggestion would be (and this is just what my approach probably would be) - tell your wife what's going on, and bring her with you.  At the very least she will be able to take notes while you're talking, and it may be that she will have enough perspective that she will think of something to ask that doesn't occur to you.

    Not all "growths" are cancer.  Not all cancer is malignant.  Not all malignant or metastatic cancer is fatal.

    The central feature of cancer and treatment is that the earlier it starts, the better - and that can't happen until it is found.

    •  Please Take Someone (15+ / 0-)

      With you!! If it is good news you will need someone to see what kind of followup you need. If it is bad news you need someone to ask the questions you are to overwhelmed to even think about.

      Some doctors don't like it but I would record it. If you have questions now write them down as you think of them.

      Be sure to take a list of every medication you are on or have been on including all over the counter pills.

      Good luck.

      •  Good point on taking a list of every (12+ / 0-)

        medication I am on to my next appointment. I did not have a list Friday as I was even asked for one.

        I take five type of medications for my heart decease. I also have a notice that I cannot be put into a scan machine due to my two inserted heart stents.

        I will make sure to take a list next Thursday as I assume a surgery may be in order -- if needed of course.

        Thank you for the reminder. A note has been made. My son has been notified of my next appointment. However, I think that it being a first examination by the cancer specialist, he will obviously set another appointment for any sort of a needed surgery or biopsy.

        Like when I had eye surgery, my son drove me there and back home. I think this applies here too. But if my son insists again that he will drive me to the appointment on thursday, perhaps I will allow him to do so.

        Old men tell same old stories

        by Ole Texan on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 12:11:07 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  absolutely, take spouse with you, to be brain (4+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        worldlotus, PeterHug, myboo, ladybug53

        AND memory for you! my DH & I ALWAYS go together! he is memory for me, and I'll ask the questions we've talked about but he's forgotten in the office! Luckily, he's extremely savvy about things medical, for a "civilian", so he often understands the gravity of various points, that goes straight over my head! Or maybe a good friend, if you AND wife both think SHE will be too upset to track on details, too???

        If you want something to do before Thursday, you might think about finding someone to look into local specialists for you, see if you can locate a 2d opinion, in case you end up wanting one??? We did when I had my bout a couple of years ago and it was really comforting to hear back from people all over town that "Oh, Dr X? She's the best in the state!" well, maybe it was "the best in the South half of the state", but it was really definite! Also helped that she turned out to have bedside by the ton, sweet and caring! And mentoring the "young man" I saw between her and my GP, who was the one who had 2d thoughts and had the "not-nice-but-ordinary" lab results re-checked, and found the "vanishingly-rare-but-possibly-really-nasty" variety that it actually was!

        "real" work : a job where you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom...

        by chimene on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 05:10:35 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  I get how scared you are. (17+ / 0-)

    I agree with other posters in this diary that you should deal with your doctor and not borrow trouble poking around on the internet.

    Take good care of yourself and please keep us updated.

    SPES MEA IN DEO EST.

    by commonmass on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:36:22 AM PDT

  •  I am sorry to hear this, my friend..... (18+ / 0-)

    ...but I definitely agree with staying off the web sites and seeing what the doctor has to say first. People can just get little growths in their eyes that are NOT cancer.....I had one and when my doctor rechecked it in a few months, it was gone. He said they are fairly common.

    If you do need eye surgery to remove it, remember that the technology to do eye surgery is incredible!

    You could call your regular eye doctor before your specialist appt. and ask him exactly what he meant and what could be done about it. That might ease your mind before you see the specialist.

    Sending you good thoughts and prayers.

    •  It does not surprise me (20+ / 0-)

      the rapid response I am getting as I write this. I am truly overwhelmed with the love and understanding of the folks who I chose to hang around with here at Daily Kos.

      Like I said earlier, sure I am scared. But what I am reading, especially from some who give me the impression have that expertise I sought have worked to settle me nerves some.

      One advise was to get my wife involved. Another was to call my doctor for clarification on what he meant.

      I will call the doctor for sure. About telling my wife....I am having all kind of trouble seeing her eyes if I tell her. I won`t at least not on Father`s Day.

      To all of you who have responded...Thank you from this ole Texan.. I hope you are right. If a heart attack was not enough to kill me, I hope you are right again about my eyes.

      I love you all.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:47:05 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  and we love you right back ole texan! (15+ / 0-)

        I have to agree with the comments advising you to stay off the googlez about eye cancer.  what good can come of that?  you have one opinion saying he 'thinks' it's cancer.  well, until a biopsy comes back saying it's cancer, you have to go on the assumption it is not anything more than a major inconvenience that you could very well do without but that you can't ignore.

        I also agree that you should get your wife involved.  you're in this together.  think how she'll feel when she finds out you've been trying to do this alone?  think how you would feel to learn that she'd been trying to 'protect' you from a similar thing.  you'd probably wish you would have had the chance to give her the support and love that you know she needed at exactly that time, and you might be a little upset that she denied you the opportunity to be there for her.

        I do understand the dread you feel of seeing her eyes when you tell her.  I liked the idea of telling your son and then the two of you telling her.  it might be easier for you and her both.

        meanwhile, i'm sure you aren't doing as good a job of hiding it as you think.  spouses and close family members have an uncanny knack for knowing when something's off.  maybe the best father's day gift you can get from them is their love and support that you need right now.

        I know from experience how scary it is when you know you potentially have cancer.  i'm grateful that every biopsy I've had (breast biopsies) has come back non-malignant.  i'm hoping that's what your biopsy will show.  

        as we age we get all kinds of lumps and bumps that don't have anything to do with cancer.   seems our bodies just want to do silly things the longer we keep them around.  there's a good chance that's what's going on here.

        if not---cross that bridge when you have the correct information.  not before.  the thing to do now is just to plan the next step: going to that doctor.  so start your list of questions.  write them down so you don't forget any of them.  assign somebody (your wife, your son) to take notes so you don't forget what the doctor says and get all confused when you get home.

        and be positive.  I probably don't have to tell you how therapeutic a positive attitude is.  get your positive attitude on, man!  get the good things that a positive attitude creates flowing through your blood stream now.  

        and know that we love you and will see you through this.

        'cause we do.  and we will.

        (((((((ole Texan)))))))

        •  politik thank you (10+ / 0-)

          The one thing that has stuck to my brain and mind about all the advise I have read so far, is the one where I was told the comment my doctor told me, as in "I think it is cancer".

          This sticks out now because I have to think that he is not a trained doctor in cancer, and is only an eye specialist that treats eyes, and not cancer. I say this in comment to you because you speak volumes with your advise. It is always refreshing to read your wisdom and advise.

          I just wished that this had not happened on this such an important date as Father`s Day. Any other day I would not hesitate to break the news here at home. I really appreciate your suggestion that I get my son involved in telling my wife. I will indeed call my son this morning and tell him what I know so far.

          In the meantime I am following suggestions that I wait to get experienced news from the eye cancer specialist when I see him next thursday before jumping to all kinds of crazy and scary assumptions, because frankly it was my wits that were scared when I decided to just conclude without proof that I may have cancer.

          I have read so many diaries here about those with this terrible decease that is cancer that I now really think that "this cannot happen to me" saying is irrelevant when it comes to this particular monster.

          politik thank you dear for coming to my space at this time when I really needed to hear from you. Please stay safe and be good.

          Peace and love

          Old men tell same old stories

          by Ole Texan on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:47:26 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      •  Your wife is going to know (11+ / 0-)

        It's fine to leave it off the table for Father's Day. But she hasn't lived and loved with you all this time without being able to tell when something is eating at you.

        Not only will it be valuable to have a second pair of ears at the specialist's. When she does learn about it, she'll be more at ease if she's able to take some action on your behalf - and bringing her into the process early lets her get that relief.

        I've lost a few good people to cancer. But I'm surrounded by so many more who have beaten it, that in my first wave of empathy over your news, my first thought wasn't "I'd be afraid for my life," but "I'd be afraid for my vision." Of course an early catch - and early surgery, if it turns out to be advisable - is the best ward against either danger. And you've got that very much working for you.

        The real USA Patriot Act was written in 1789. It's called the Bill of Rights.

        by nicteis on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:27:42 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  Perfectly inderstandable that you don't want to (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Pluto, worldlotus, ladybug53

        overshadow the day tomorrow with news like this. And I would normally disagree with your decision, because you need support right now. But you have us. You don't have to sit alone over the weekend with this news  and these thoughts and drive yourself to distraction with worry. We're here.

        She's probably still gonna be ticked at you for holding out, but I hope she'll understand.

        {{{{{{{{{{{{{Ole Texan & family}}}}}}}}}}}}

        Information is abundant, wisdom is scarce. ~The Druid.
        ~Ideals aren't goals, they're navigation aids.~

        by FarWestGirl on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 02:54:38 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  and get a second opinion, whatever the news is. (11+ / 0-)

    WE must hang together or we will all hang separately. B.Franklin

    by ruthhmiller on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:42:29 AM PDT

  •  an old bud just passed from kidney cancer (16+ / 0-)

    I'm not sure I could have his attitude but it looked like a good way to deal with the thing.

    He laughed at it.

    Figured living this long was beating the odds for someone that lived the sort of life he had and every day was a gift. They told him to get his stuff in order cause he had a month maybe. That was seven years ago. He passed 3 weeks ago.

    The radiation was a bitch and he laughed at his infirmity.

    Life can throw some screw balls and death is not a fun one but one still has to wake up tomorrow and put one's socks on and eat breakfast.

    Good luck

    “Conservation… is a positive exercise of skill and insight, not merely a negative exercise of abstinence and caution…” Aldo Leopold

    by ban nock on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:43:53 AM PDT

  •  Hang in there Old Tex. And thanks for telling us, (7+ / 0-)

    that's a good sign.  Stop reading that stuff, it just gets you riled up, you don't need that.
    Will be pulling for you.

    "Fragmented and confused, we have no plan to combat any of this, but are looking to be saved by the very architects of our ruination."

    by BigAlinWashSt on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:06:13 AM PDT

  •  Many warm thoughts to you. (8+ / 0-)

    Please feel free to stop on Mondays for the Monday Night Cancer Club.

    It's a scary thing but there are many here that care and are very supportive when it comes to these things.

  •  If wishes were horses... (9+ / 0-)

    I'd give you the gift I found when I got the news my prostate was sending.
    Calm acceptance and desire to continue life's lessons.
    I'm 3 years "out", looking good; you will too!

    "the northern lights have seen queer sights, but the queerest they ever did see. Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge, I cremated Sam McGee". - Robert Service, Bard of the Yukon

    by Joe Jackson on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:21:14 AM PDT

  •  I seldom give unsolicited advice (9+ / 0-)

    but I'm going to do so this time: Please go out of your way to get a second opinion, from somebody who deals in this stuff all the time, somebody who's really good. I'd hate to see you get all anguished over one physician's pronouncement when doctors are so often wrong.

    Sorry you got such difficult news. All the best.

    It's here they got the range/ and the machinery for change/ and it's here they got the spiritual thirst. --Leonard Cohen

    by karmsy on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:21:55 AM PDT

  •  Hold fast. you are not alone. n/t (5+ / 0-)

    Rivers are horses and kayaks are their saddles

    by River Rover on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:38:43 AM PDT

  •  My Thoughts (6+ / 0-)

    For you Ole Texan and what I might do, is when you speak with your eye doctor, ask them to tell offer you some of the POSITIVE potentials.

    Be upfront since you have a good relationship and let them know the way the told you has scared the heck out of you and you need to hear from them the opposite side of possibilities.

    For me, when I have been given terrible news of this sort, I have a hard time alone, keeping positive and then my fear makes it all worse, and if there is anything to positive energy is healing then I just try to entertain my mind with looking at alternatives, places of hope and possibilities.
    Get a second opinion and insist on two test results before allowing surgery, if possible.

    I hope this helps you in some small way in the next days.

    There are so many incredible good thoughts commented here, just stay with us and let it out, that is important to your mind helping your body get rid of this potential. And it's a dam challenging thing to do, I know that, it is certainly easier to write than do. Been there and done that. One thing I do is interrupt the scared thoughts with " I am Safe" All Is Well, I am Safe, My Body Loves ME and I am Safe"... over and over and anytime the neg sneaks in.

    I'll (along with many here I am certain) be sending all good energy and envisioning you and your wife jumping with elated joy almost childlike, dancing a jig and whooping it up.

    Abundant Health, Peace, Safety, Joy to You! ((((Ole Texan))))))

    Practice With Intent, Conscious Awareness to Expand and Shift In This Newness of All That Is

    by Skyye on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:40:24 AM PDT

  •  A harsh thing to hear - the word Cancer (11+ / 0-)

    Remember, though, your eye doctor said growth. Might be Cancer, but it might not be as well. Wait for a definitive diagnosis from the oncology eye specialist.

    Just question everything, take notes, have them explain in a manner that you or I would understand. Don't play Dr. Google, there is a lot of good information out there, but a lot more spurious, if not outright quackish, information on the Interubes.

    I'm going/have gone down the same path. Waiting for the diagnosis I looked at everything that even sounded like what the doctors were saying. Not from notes, but from what I remembered thinking I heard them say. Most of what I read was so far off base and out right wrong I ended up scareing myself. Thank god for my wife, she is the note taker, the one who gets the doctors to slow down and explain exactly what they said and what it means. She got them to provide accurate places to get good information.

    Please take care, inform your wife as soon as you can. Don't try to go it alone.

    If you play Microsoft CD's backwards, you hear satanic things, but that's nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows.

    by Unit Zero on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 11:17:56 AM PDT

  •  Don't cross bridges you haven't come to yet (8+ / 0-)

    I got news about a different eye condition when I had my cataract follow up recently.  The optometrist was very clear that one cannot know how the disease will progress.  From what I read, your doctor thinks it's cancer.  He could be wrong.

    Please tell your wife soon.  And please, please, don't go to that Thursday appointment alone.  Take someone you trust to remember what is said.  You won't remember because all the emotion you are feeling today will be there that day.  So take someone who will remember the answers to your questions, maybe ask questions themselves (one of your kids?)

    Peace be with you.  

    "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me." Jesus, Matthew 25:40, New Revised Standard Version.

    by Tenn Wisc Dem on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 11:24:50 AM PDT

  •  ole texan, your words (8+ / 0-)

    Are so honest and raw and sincere. You touched my heart. I wish you all the best. Please keep us informed and I hope it's nothing serious.

    Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will

    by miracle11 on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 11:34:26 AM PDT

    •   unapologeticliberal777 in comment up thread (15+ / 0-)

      said this to me in a comment:

      By assuming worst case scenario, you are putting yourself through an enormous amount of stress, and stress causes inflammation in the body that diseases like cancer wallow in.  The growth is small which means is was probably caught early - always a good sign.  
      I am embarrassed to admit that I left this comment untouched in my diary:

      "The growth is small which means it was probably caught early -- always a good sign".

      It is exactly how my doctor explained that to me. I simply lost track of the things he spoke of due to my shock. It is good that unapologeticliberal777 opened the window to my train of thought with the comment.

      Whatever it is, it was caught early!

      Thank you #777. Another good clue

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 11:47:29 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  I do a lot of medical research on the Internet (6+ / 0-)

    I whip through it very fast because I know what good info looks like. I focus on treatments rather than diagnosis. Sometimes, I advocate for others, with their doctors. Go on appointments, etc. Especially for multiple opinions, which is essential. They vary widely.

    So, I took a peek.

    I have a very good feeling about your situation.

    Everyone deals with these situations differently. Personally, I would not tell anyone until after I've spoken to a specialist or two and had a chance to settle down. But I'm weird that way.

    I'd get a prescription for Valium. But that's me.

    Sending most excellent thoughts your way.

  •  I'm sorry you're having another scare Ole Texan. (8+ / 0-)

    I hope it turns out to not be so bad. You're living to be 100,
    remember? Hugs

  •  Hoping for the best, & seconding some good advice (7+ / 0-)

    Dear Ole Texan,

    First, I am hoping that your follow-up news is good, and that whatever problem you have will be easily and fully treatable.

    Second, I would like to echo some of the excellent advice you have already received and add some helpful links to two reliable sources of information: the National Cancer Institute or NCI (www.cancer.gov) and the American Cancer Society or ACS (www.cancer.org).

    1. Make a list in advance of the questions you can think of, and write them down. These should cover things like what is the diagnosis, including what stage/grade disease if they can tell at that point; what is the usual treatment, what other options might there be including NCI sponsored clinical trials; what is the prognosis or range of prognoses. The ACS website has a list of questions to ask at ACS questions to ask

    2. Take someone level-headed and calm with you, and explain what you want them to do: listen and take notes, help to make sure you ask all of your questions, and help with follow-up questions.

    3. Ask for a second opinion referral. The doctor should not be offended; this is serious business, and they understand. If you are in TX, the premiere place for most rare stuff is MD Anderson (despite their recent financial blunders at the top, they still have outstanding clinical and research folks.) If you are already at MD Anderson, you can still ask to talk to someone else.

    4. For up-to-date information, you can trust the ACS site above and also NCI home site  

    5. Many cancer centers have a support system using either experienced staff or "peer navigators" to help patients cope. If you do wind up needing surgery, ask about these resources. They can help with all kinds of stuff - not just cancer treatment and medical issues, but also just general coping with the added burdens and complications to you and your family.

    I'm not a clinician but I work with our NCI-designated "comprehensive cancer center" and have also cared for my mother through treatment there. If this does turn out to be cancer and require care, places like ours do amazing things, and you will have lots of people on your side. And, of course, all your friends here!

    •  Laurel in CA thank you (9+ / 0-)

      for your informative piece. Actually I am in Wisconsin. In Milwaukee to be more specific. I use the name Ole Texan here at Daily Kos and have written that the state of Texas and its people remain in my heart.

      For more than twenty years I have lived in Milwaukee. That does not diminish my gratitude and my sincere gladness of reading what you bring to me as an offering of assistance to my plight.

      As extensive and informative as your comment is, Laurel in CA I feel sort of helpless in trying to explain that as of yet, I have not even started to think of what I might want to ask my eye-cancer specialist when I see him/her next week.

      I am trying very hard to imagine that this is all a bad dream that I had last night. There is no need to panic, I am forced to believe. This might sound a tad creepy, but really I can`t for the life of me even think that the word "death" is now stamped on my forehead by what my doctor told me.

      Whatever fate has for me, I am sure to fight back if the news is bleak and threatening. How I will fight I cannot yet tell you because I know not what awaits me.

      I will do an update to this diary next Friday, a day after I talk with the eye-cancer specialist. Noted above somewhere I wrote that my son has been notified. I will try to take him with me. My legs have betrayed me lately and I have some difficulty at times walking as it makes me tire easily. He knows this, so he most likely will insist on taking me in his car, and back.

      Again, to all who have joined me here today to stand by me in my time of need...thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      Ole Texan loves you to pieces.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 01:17:43 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  If your son cannot go with you (7+ / 0-)

        consider taking a digital voice recorder - they are relatively inexpensive - and record the entire visit with the doctor.  Last year when my dog had cancer Patriot Daily News Clearinghouse advised me to do that and it was great advice.  She made the point that with the news of cancer you are in shock and you can't possibly remember everything that is said during your visit.  Taping the conversation and replaying later a number of times really really helps.  I know it helped me.  Heck do it even if you son does go with you.

        I'll keep you in my prayers, dear Ole Texan and I will look for your update next Friday with, hopefully much much better news.  Isn't it something the horrors our imagination can conjure up?  Hugs, dear heart.

        As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

        by JaxDem on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 01:29:47 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  YA! I've been telling people to do this for years! (5+ / 0-)

          When my dad had cancer (06-07) I recorded all the doctor's appointments. I can't tell you how reassuring it was to both of my parents to be able to replay the audio for them the next day or week.

          Or .... every time they argued about "something the doctor said." My mother would remember only the most negative things, and my dad would remember only what he wrote in his notebook....and then they'd collectively forget everything else.

          Cancer is just so filled with anxiety, your memory gets all clogged up with fears and hopes. Technology helps.

          I brought my laptop and used PearNote. It's especially great because you can take notes while recording --- notes that you can later search, and it'll cue up the audio that corresponds to the notes.

          Check out my liberal tshirts, stickers, housewares and gifts at DemSwag.com featuring the top selling bumper sticker Hate Socialism? Get off the road!

          by Eileen B on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 03:33:43 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Oh, yes, Eileen. You've explained it perfectly. (3+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            worldlotus, Eileen B, ladybug53

            I kept my recording for several weeks and referred back to it a few times when panic set in.  I cannot stress enough how much it helped.  PearNote sounds like a wonderful tool, but I see it is for Mac use.  I did google and find there are some similar tools for PCs.  Great idea!  Thanks.

            Hope your dad fully recovered and is doing well.

            As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

            by JaxDem on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 04:21:01 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

      •  Take a deep breath; it will be ok! (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        ladybug53

        I am so glad your son is going to help and support you. The very possibility of cancer sounds so frightening, but there are a lot of false alarms. And even if it does prove to be cancer, you are doing the right things, and many early stage are so treatable, and don't recur.

        For what it is worth, the closest NCI designated comprehensive cancer centers to you are UW in Madison, and two in Chicago, I think Northwestern's and U Chicago. Not sure which has the best eye people.

        Hope you can take a deep breath and rest easy for the next few days. Please let us know what happens, and if there is anything folks here can do to help.

  •  {{{ole texan}}} (6+ / 0-)

    You are in my thoughts, friend, and you are getting some good advice here about getting more advice from specialists in the area. You are tough and strong, and I'm sending good energy your way.

    "If you are sure you understand everything that is going on around you, you are hopelessly confused." Walter Mondale

    by klompendanser on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 01:22:04 PM PDT

  •  I want to hear the news from (5+ / 0-)

    your next appointment, and I will cross fingers and toes that it will be all good.
    My late mother in law had ovarian cancer, and when she was operated on at MS Anderson in Houston, they closed her up, said to go home, reconcile herself to her situation, that she had no more than 6 weeks to live.
    She died 18 years later of old age.
    May you, too, fool the experts.

  •  ((OldTexan)) (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    worldlotus, Pluto, Laurel in CA, ladybug53

    Sometimes I think the waiting and wondering is the worst part. Once there's a yes or no you can start taking action and focusing on the fight, or the relief that you didn't have to. Several years ago I had a cancer scare, but it turned out to be a cyst and benign. I hope your news is as good. But those weeks until I knew what were going on were pure torture, for everyone. Definitely tell your family so you can lean on each other.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 02:09:25 PM PDT

  •  Sending you good vibes, OldTexan. (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    worldlotus, Pluto, Laurel in CA, ladybug53

    I've had a philosophy that I probably inherited from my Daddy.

    Worry is a wasted emotion.  

    Don't concentrate on worrying until you have something (facts) to worry about.  When you know the facts and have something to worry about, do what you can about it, and if you can't, refer back to first sentence.  Worry is a wasted emotion.

    Oh, and if it turns out that it was just a bother, and nothing really serious, celebrate.

    I know this is easier said than done.  Hope all turns out great for you.

  •  You May Be In A Very Early Stage, Ole Texan (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    worldlotus, ladybug53

    If it turns out to be positive (and we don't know that yet),  first will come the staging.
    The location & stage will be critical along w/ your overall
    health & the impact of the treatment on your vision.

    If it turns out to be positive, laser therapy or targeted therapy may be all that is required.

    You have a large community here who will be there for you every step of your journey.  Tell your wife so she can join you as you navigate this next challenge in your life.

    You're good at challenges.  You can do this.  

  •  I just had a retinal detachement fixed (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Pluto, worldlotus, ladybug53

    I was playing a gig with my band and noticed a slight wavering in the left corner of my right eye. This was on Saturday .... on Sunday it looked black over where you can see your nose if you look hard to the left. By Monday morning I had lost half of my right eye .... Ophthalmologist visit confirmed what I knew -- detached retina (my brother and cousin had one so I knew the symptoms) but macular attached (which is good).

    Tuesday I'm in surgery, Wednesday I can see again! Not great but better than what I had going on.

    A few weeks until the eye regenerated the fluid - it was like having a bubble level built in. No pain.

    The scary part, if you can believe it, was not that I might be blind in the right eye but that I only had ONE left. I wasn't ready for a Stevie Wonder act. Plus my new 3D TV was useless with only one eye.

    Now I can see pretty good out of it - some distortion due to the laser welding of the retina but much better than the pure black I experienced.

    They do amazing things with eye surgery ..... there were a zillion patients in the waiting room each time.

    Good Luck and don't despair .... a small lesion has got to be better than a large one.

    Politics is the entertainment branch of industry. Frank Zappa

    by Da Rock on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 02:52:33 PM PDT

  •  Hang in there, old boy (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    worldlotus, ladybug53

    These situations are more curable and easily treated than you might think.

    Please take someone with you to your future doctors visits. Or record the visit so you can review what is said later. Ideally, do both.

    Consider getting a second opinion if you're at all concerned you're not getting answers or the whole story. Your confidence in your care makes a big difference.

    We are all here for you.  xoxoxoxo

  •  God, buddy--so sorry to hear that. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ladybug53

    Shoot. Well, that's godawful news.

    I can't stand the idea of cancer. I always felt so grateful that my parents didn't die of it. I'm glad that I know so little about it, and sorry I can't help more than to say "that's awful." But I can say that a friend of mine who had Non-Hodgkins' Lymphoma reported that he was helped by a book called "Thank God It's Only Cancer" (on the search engine, I see that it was written by a Steve Gould).

    As far as what to tell your loved one, I'm not sure if I can help either; but what I can say for sure is that if your loved one is anything like mine is, she will know that something's wrong before you say anything. As far as telling the rest, my guess is that at this time next year, you'll be inwardly thankful for a lot of your loved ones. I hope so. Good luck.

    Peace.

    •  (I hope that didn't read as pessimistic) (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      ladybug53

      My friend would probably say to me, "what are you telling him words like 'awful' for, bigmouth?" In addition to the other posters' story, I have SEVERAL friends who have cared for themselves and lived years, decades after diagnosis.

      Good nutrition, eating right and exercising when possible, and the positive attitude will help you get there.

      A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer, with a very pessimistic diagnosis, and decided "well, what do I want to do then? I think I'll go to Lebanon!" Now, this wasn't pre-Civil War Lebanon--this was AFTER all hell had broken loose, after America had left, etc. Yet she went there just to have an experience, see how people live, what the place was like, and all that.

      It's 30 years later--I just saw her this month, as cheerful as ever. Hers isn't the only such story.

  •  I am certain that my thoughts would match yours (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Pluto, worldlotus, Laurel in CA, ladybug53

    Slightly different in the details, but I straight up know that my reactions would include just about everything you've said.

    Yeah, real down and dirty fear. The wide range of possibilities and the uncertainty is overwhelming. Can't think straight. Don't know how or when to tell anyone. And he said the damn C-word.

    If you weren't annoyed by eye-goop until recently, odds are that last year's exam wouldn't have found anything. It isn't, in any way, your fault. I have had an eye-goop issue since I stupidly injured my left eye about 30 years ago. In my case, it's caused by a scarred eyelid that irritates things. You told your eye doc about this, exactly the best thing you could have done.

    Several things you've said here tell me you've got a decent grip on this thing, even though you have doubts right now. Others have pointed out that your agitated thoughts will calm down a bit over time. You say that you know this through your own experience. Still, fear overwhelms your thinking. It's a human condition.  

    1) The back of that eye is good. That's good. Really good.

    2) It's small. Good. It's on one side and wasn't seen on or near the cornea. Good. Very good.

    3) Eye surgery makes most folks get queasy. You've had cataract surgery. I've had cryo eye surgery. My mother-in-law gets injections for macular degeneration. The fear is worse than the procedure. Queasy is acceptable. Eye specialists are able to do some amazing things these days.  

    4) Your friends and family WANT to offer help and support. Let them. Just let them. A little slice of humble and  gracious behavior isn't that difficult. Everyone feels better.

    5) Your attitude is that you're gonna do what you gotta do. That's excellent. Not everyone feels this way.

    I've known several people who get themselves so wound up in their imaginary fears that they have avoided seeing a doctor for decades. I've known people who said they'd rather die than see a doctor or worse, be admitted to a hospital. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Example:

    I let loose on an old friend who told me he was going to die. His PSA came back slightly elevated. He said that no doctor was going to cut off HIS balls. Yeah, I didn't stop. He changed his mind, eventually. Some people are worse than others.

    Oh, and there's no reason to apologize for anything.

    I'm sending all the good vibes I can muster in your direction, Ole Texan.

    "Never wrestle with a pig: you get dirty and the pig enjoys it"

    by GrumpyOldGeek on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 04:11:20 PM PDT

  •  Dear Texan, when you show more concern about how (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Pluto, worldlotus, Laurel in CA, ladybug53

    your wife and kids will take the news and handle it, you remind me so much of my dad which is very high compliment. His concern after his diagnosis was how his wife and kids would handle the news. His first thoughts were of his loved ones and wanting to spare them any worry.  

    That is so admirable,  Texan. ...what a good man you are and good father and husband.

    Keystone Liberals on Twitter @ KeystoneLibs , Join PA Liberals at http://keystoneliberalsforum.aimoo.com/

    by wishingwell on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 04:27:00 PM PDT

  •  My sister was told she had cancer and they wanted (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ladybug53

    to start chemo ASAP. They said the MRI and CAT Scan showed a large pelvic mass and the doctor was positive it was cancer. My sister said she wanted to get a second opinion. And wow are we glad she got a second opinion. The doctor said that first they needed to  operate and get that mass out of her ( it was a football size mass on her left ovary). She had been in excruciating, horrid pain for weeks.
    She was on heavy pain killers. He operated and removed the tumor plus a hysterectomy and took samples from all over the pelvic region to test.

    It ended she did Not have Cancer! That doctor at Emory  would have given a Patient Without Cancer, heavy doses of Chemotherapy !!!!!

    Here the tumor was benign and my sister is fine now...long recovery from surgery because of the extent of the surgery.

    But be sure to get a second opinion at some point but then again in the case of my sister, one of the top oncologist gynecologists supposedly and highly recommended for some unknown , mysterious reason was very willing to do chemo without one actual tissue sample.

    Keystone Liberals on Twitter @ KeystoneLibs , Join PA Liberals at http://keystoneliberalsforum.aimoo.com/

    by wishingwell on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 04:35:03 PM PDT

  •  Peace and strength and love to you, (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    worldlotus, ladybug53

    Ole Texan.  Please keep us informed.  I will be thinking of you and your family.

    "Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." ~ Edward R. Murrow

    by CJB on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 05:17:48 PM PDT

  •  asdf (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ladybug53, edwardssl

    With a recent cancer diagnosis in our household, we can thoroughly commiserate. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hang tough.

    Weathering Michigan's recessions since the '70s.

    by jennifree2bme on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 09:43:53 PM PDT

  •  {{{{{{Ole Texan}}}}}}} (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ladybug53, edwardssl

    My wish for you is that this turns out to be nothing serious at all...

    It goes without saying that if the news is bad and you want a community quilt, you shall have one!  But I am sending out thought-vibes for GOOD news and seeing you greatly relieved, enjoying the love of your family and friends.

  •  Yes, many of us have been there, Ole Texan. (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ladybug53, edwardssl

    Sorry I missed this yesterday. I know you can't help but look at the Internet--I did the same thing. But the Internet doesn't give you as good information as your doctor will. Make a list of questions you want to ask so you don't forget any, and don't worry about sounding stupid.

    A decision about whether or not to say anything now, or wait until later, is up to you to make. I always felt sooner was better than later because holding it in just made it feel worse, but that may be me and not you.

    Writing a diary is always a good idea in my opinion. I found it gave me something to distract myself in a way, and hearing from so many people made me feel not as alone. There are many cancer survivors here, some with cancers that seemed barely treatable. And yes, there are losses too. It's kind of like life.

    Best wishes to you on your coming fight, for it is that, and keep us posted.

    •  Gosh Hello Lorikeet. (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Lorikeet, edwardssl

      Lately I was thinking about you. I wondered if you were alright since you did not join me in this diary.

      Thank you for getting me to understand your reason. It is a very valid one because I miss many diaries that I later run into and wished that I had clicked on to the website that day, something that I have not been doing too much lately.

      I guess you know by now that I always have followed your advise. Since I joined this community you were always there for me, to instruct me, teach me short cuts and so forth.. I have never forgotten that, thank you.

      You are absolutely right about making a list of the things I will be asking the doctor at my next appointment. In fact, your advise resonates almost identical to all the advise I have received in the comments section of my diary.

      I have already told my wife about the bad news I got. She is just like me. Panic she did . She asked if I needed her to join me in the appointment. I said no.

      My son has agreed to go with me instead. I prefer it that way since my son is quicker of mind and more ready to take notes if necessary.

      But here is the thing Lorikeet. I am hoping very hard, that I am jumping the gun too soon. What little information I got from my eye doctor I am now convinced is not reliable enough to cause me to panic -- something that I did in a big way at first.

      The things that helped me feel this way came from folks like you in the comments section. I wish I could have responded to so many good advise.  

      But at this moment I am pretty cool minded because even if it turns out that I am wrong, and the doctor was right -- the growth he mentioned is a small one, and not in a wrong spot but is at the very edge of the right eye to my right.

      I am sure I can handle that small annoying growth well.

      Again Lorikeet, thank you so much for coming by. I usually come back to the diary to see if anyone has joined me.

      Now you stay well, you hear me?

      Bless you and best regards.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Sun Jun 15, 2014 at 03:18:50 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Oh I am so glad to see your comment, and to (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        edwardssl

        know you saw mine. I frequently miss things because I don't look in my stream. It's a bad habit I should fix! It sounds like you are feeling much calmer now. It's a good place to be to be ready for the next step. I'm glad you told your wife, but I hope she gets over her panic fast.

        I am doing fine, thanks. Thanks for sharing with us. I think it helps.

        •  Lorikeet good morning (7:30 a.m.) to you. (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Lorikeet

          One thing that stayed on my mind from your recent comment was that writing a diary was the best therapy for someone going through what I am going through today.

          I cannot agree more with you. Your thoughts gives me the mental material for writing things that I "never" thought I would write here on Daily Kos.

          I`m sure that will change. I can assure you though, that if I gave the impression of being scared at this point with the small evidence I have on cancer, I cannot imaging what all of you will say if it comes out that I am positive.

          The comments of support I have read so far would have made someone with a weaker heart cry I`m sure. The thing is, that I forget many years ago how to do that. Now all I can do is blame someone for the cards life has dealt to me. I don`t doubt many of you survivors of cancer think the same.

          As I`ve said, your advise have always inspired me. Your advise to write will be met. I promise.

          Old men tell same old stories

          by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 16, 2014 at 06:08:24 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Oh my friend. (0+ / 0-)

    I'm so sorry I didn't see this earlier, I haven't been on the computer since Friday (all-consuming home improvement project).  I'm glad Klompie queued your diary to the GFHC group or I never would have seen it.

    Getting the big "C" news is always jarring.  That's how I reacted with my mom's diagnosis.  I don't blame you for researching it right away.  I would have done the same thing.  Having gone through most of the comments, I think they're telling you the right thing - each situation is different, and your doctor will know your situation best and what's right for you.

    I see also that you've told your family, and I'm really glad you did, even if their first response is as startled as yours.  It's so good to have a warm physical human being there by your side who knows you, loves you and your condition - someone to lean on.

    btw, my son has juvenile glaucoma and has had a number of procedures on both his eyes, including laser surgeries.  I kind of cringe every time I think of those surgeries, but he just shrugged and said he didn't feel a thing.  What eye specialists can do these days is nothing short of amazing.

    Please let us know how things turn out after your next appointment.  You have many people here who care about you, and we'll all be hoping for the best outcome.

    Take care!

    •  Oh hello my friend, and a (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      edwardssl

      warm good morning to you. Oh I can understand your missing my diary on Saturday morning. I also understand that the reason you ran into it was because is was re-posted at GFHC by Klompie (as you girls call her). Me I write her name as is...meh...

      Girl, it is so good to see you. It really is.

      Yeah, it was  a bit of hair raising fear-feeling that I felt when I was told the bad new. Actually with all I`ve been told here I now see that same fear has now been subsided and transformed into a positive attitude.

      But enough of me here my friend. Let me tell you how sad I feel reading of your concerns over your son`s laser surgeries due to juvenile glaucoma. I can tell from experience that he is being truthful with you about any pain during these eye procedures. Indeed I had both eyes surgically repaired of cataracts without ever feeling the slightest sense of discomfort.

      On the other hand my friend, this eye malady, or ailment that is glaucoma, whether it is juvenile or not, I have also learned through experience is something you must get your son to correct.

      When I first complained to an Optometry doctor a few years ago about my eyes vision he conducted his usual screening and tests on my eyes.

      He discovered my eyes in bad shape. (And here is a clue that some doctors can be wrong in their analysis). He told me that it appeared I had some sort of glaucoma early stages and referred me to an eye care specialist. The same one that has treated me since...This doctor told me that the Optometry doctor was wrong. All I had was a bad case of cataracts. And I mean bad, causing me to go Mr. Magoo with tri-focals tripping with my own feet while I walked.

      Story short my friend: I had a good friend of many years that I lost contact with until he called me to tell me that he had gone blind!!!

      Wow!! I told him. What happened. He told me he had been told that glaucoma had caused his blindness and also told me that his mother had suffered the same fate. So I figured it ran in the family`s blood, I guess I do not know.

      But I tell you this because this is serious. Help you son all the way...as if I had to tell you this. I would never say this about glaucoma and my friend`s blindness to scare anyone. It is a serious decease, but can be cured I also have learned.

      My friend, it is so good to see you. I send you my heart felt regards to you and your family. Who knows, perhaps we can restart that warm interaction of yesteryear.

      Peace my friend.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 16, 2014 at 06:50:33 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  I missed this too, Ole Texan. (0+ / 0-)

    So sorry you have such disconcerting information to handle. But you've had some wonderful support and advice from your friends here, and it looks like that's been helpful.

    I particularly like Laurel in CA's advice about how to proceed. Several people have mentioned taking things one step at a time, and about asking questions & taking notes. That's all good.

    I'll add one more suggestion in the meantime. Have you ever done any meditation, or any therapeutic breathing? Both of those techniques help keep our minds from racing when confronted with scary possibilities, and they're good skills to have in any case. But now, when you can really use the ability to stay in the moment, and not borrow trouble or fear the worst, they are great support. I recommend one or both very highly.

    This is one link for breathing techniques; there are many.
    And here's a nice resource for audio meditation guides of several kinds.

    I offer all this from personal experience, having been diagnosed with advanced uterine cancer almost 3.5 years ago. Both of these techniques helped get me through some really rough times. I'm in remission now, but they are still very important elements of my healing.

    Good luck to you, Ole Texan! Thank you for reaching out like this. Please do feel free to drop in to the Monday Night Cancer Club, tomorrow or any Monday. No matter the subject of the diary, it's always open for anyone to raise an issue of concern.

    Happy Father's Day to you. May you have many more.

    Support Small Business: Shop Kos Katalogue If you'd like to join the Motor City Kossacks, send me a Kosmail.

    by peregrine kate on Sun Jun 15, 2014 at 08:40:32 PM PDT

    •  peregrine kate hello. (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      peregrine kate

      It is so nice of you to drop by with so interesting advise. I have to tell you that indeed I know quite something about meditation. In fact I was once in an unwilling position at an unwilling place that compelled me the follow Zen and its teachings. I was a young man then -- and a bad one.

      Even the manner and place where I followed Zen teachings and instructions today haunts me. I told Lorikeet in my latest comment to her that my writings here at Daily Kos might very well change in the future. Something that I have kept suppressed in my heart for so long.

      I came to that conclusion after my latest life drama of hardship was met with so much love and caring from so many people -- people who I refer in my heart to "the natives" of my favorite community - they deserve better from me.

      I don`t mean to sidetrack your nice and welcomed comment with something other than what this diary is about. I note with open heart and mind what you wish for me, and I thank you deeply for that.

      I only wanted to reply to your advise on meditation. You know what you are talking about, I can assure any reader of your comment.

      Thank you peregrine kate. Now imagine yourself in this position while deciding to meditate to clear and refresh your mind from a crushing personal mishap.

      You are sitting in a dark, unlighted dank 6x9ft cement and mortar enclosure totally nude. At the center of the cement floor you have an approximately four-inch  round hole to be used as a toilet.

      Mosquitoes in the darkness sound like helicopters buzzing and stinging your sweltering and sweaty body. Clothes are taken away from you before entering this dank enclosure -- also unwilling.

      I ether read a bible that was thrown in into the darkness by the slit of light seeping through the bottom of the steal door, or I meditated.

      I chose meditation and followed its teaching for many years afterwards. So yes, I know what you recommend and even though it brings back dark and painful memories, I say again -- you know what you are talking about. And that is good and appreciated.

      I was not a prisoner of any war...I simply was a bad kid.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 16, 2014 at 07:38:26 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Well, my dear Ole Texan, (0+ / 0-)

        I don't think that you or any other "bad kid" would have deserved such a punishment. That sounds horrible, excessively cruel, severely traumatizing.

        It speaks to your strength of will that you were able to make use of meditation under these circumstances. It is unfortunate that you had that start, however, to your practice.

        We are all a complex set of memories and experiences. It seems that you do indeed have many resources upon which to draw at this newly stressful time.

        Peace and blessings to you and yours.

        Support Small Business: Shop Kos Katalogue If you'd like to join the Motor City Kossacks, send me a Kosmail.

        by peregrine kate on Mon Jun 16, 2014 at 07:49:08 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

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