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This story, a Father`s Day agonizing diary that I posted last Saturday June 14th here at Daily Kos set the wheels in motion for discussions and plenty of heart felt advise. My story led to several other linked short diaries here and here where I detailed as best as I could the soul wrenching fear that I had felt when the news assaulted me recently suggesting that this disease, the horrible disease that is cancer may have found its mark on me.

Once again, as I have said and repeated in this diary of almost one year to the day, I had been spiraling deep into uncertainty and fear, not knowing what to expect from this waiting game that has taken center stage in my life`s health situation. But thanks to you, I come as promised, to take you along into my future of this uncertainty. But I am no longer in fear.

So many reading generous people, some I am humbled to personally consider on-line friends came to my stories to offer their support to me, and before I type another word on this topic let me say this:..I do not think that a word has yet been uttered, or found in any encyclopedia that can accurately identify the gratitude I feel for all of the support that you have given me. I wish I could say more, but this is all I have to offer, my friendship and best wishes for you.

In the beginning, when the eye-care specialist who performed my cataract surgery was doing a routine follow-up eye examination which is standard procedure, on Friday 13th mind you, he poked me with some nerve shattering news. After double checking my right eye he informed me that he had discovered a small growth in the eye that could be cancer. Of all the dates to do this, it had to be Friday the 13th!

I have written plenty of my eye-care specialist`s visits and what it entails so I will not elaborate a lot. Much has been suggested at every angle to my visit and what he might have really meant with the mention of the word cancer. I know next to nothing, except for what I read here by those who suffer from this disease. But the fear that grabbed my very existence when the doctor told me the significance of what he found, to this day I don`t know how my damaged heart withstood the jolt.

Scheduling an appointment for the following week to be examined by a eye-cancer specialist, my doctor sent me home with instructions that sounded like his words were echos spoken from miles away. My demeanor and mind set raced back a year to the day when I got home from the hospital following a heart attack. I wrote extensively of the impact that the incident had on me.  

With shattered faith I understand that I now have to face the real possibly of having to do battle with two of the most lethal and unbeatable diseases in human nature that is a heart ailment and cancer. Battles with only a glimmer of hope despite the advanced cancer technology as my weapon. At first I withdrew into my own personal seclusion of my bedroom, not wanting my family to know.

It was only when I came to the Daily Kos community that my mind was put at ease and having joined the Monday Night Cancer Club rewarded me with an opportunity to get to know others who struggle with this disease. Although I am a `possible cancer victim` as I write this, I too am one who needs support and advise

For the moment though, my heart is beating like a brand new Swiss watch so I have no concern. I am sure that in no time this new health drama will also disappear into the back ground of my worries.

And despite of all my primary fears, both from last year`s tragic health betrayal by my heart and now this, I knew in my heart that I had to release my mind from the fear and the uncertainty; thus I turned to the one place I knew I could go. A place where I could unwind and share my fears and personal sorrows. I knew that I could come to Daily kos and be embraced as I have always been.

Suffice is to say that caring folks invited me to join a group that up until then was foreign to me, the Monday Night Cancer Club. At this writing, the support has not ceased to come my way from one who has become important to me and what I need, advise from this community. It is unbelievable.

It is here where I could find folks who know what I am going through. Know how to calm down my anxieties, my fears and uncertainties as apposed to my home, where I hid my pains in order to avoid causing pain to them. I regret nothing.

Some folks in this community convinced me to reveal my fears to my wife and family. I could not have done so otherwise, I`m positive of that. That is how stubborn I have always been. But then again, Dads also have that `father`s intuition` just as mothers do. We never want to disappoint our children, much less hurt them with this shit.

When I told my wife about the news I got from my doctor, she said something to me that resonated with this:

"seems our bodies just want to do silly things the longer we keep them around.  there's a good chance that's what's going on here.  
This quote makes a lot of sense to me at my age, as my wife sees it the same way.

Anyway, I had my son drive me to the eye-cancer specialist`s appointment in the same office building where my eye doctor holds appointments on certain days of the week. Other days he performs surgeries at another location in the city.

The lobby was empty of people, save for two young ladies with a child. I told my son that it would not be necessary for him to be present when the eye-cancer specialist went through his examination of my eye. All that mind-numbness that I felt earlier was now gone. I was ready to handle what I had in front of me by myself, thanks to you guys here in the community who chased the numbness and set my head straight with your advise and wisdom.

I was under the assumption that a re-do of my previous visit would be repeated. That I would be treated first with eye-dilation drops and pictures taken to both of my eyes and the whole previous procedure. I even was armed with a list of all my medications because I was asked for it previously. But I was mistaken.

The visit was only for the purpose of the eye-cancer specialist to examine my right eye. And soon he entered the room where I waited for about half an hour. A younger doctor appeared impeccably groomed, well mannered in a dark suit. Sitting in his low seat, he rolled it close to the examination chair where I sat. We shook hands and the first thing he said to me was that he would answer anything I asked him.

But in order to do that, he first had to look into my eye. Only then could he say what I wanted to know. Was the growth cancer? He had to look and see.

True as my eye doctor had assumed when he told me that the growth `look like cancer`. The eye-cancer specialist told me that indeed he had found the small growth. And that he could not 100% acknowledge cancer, the growth `for sure` could turn into cancer in the future if not taken care of it. He would have to cut it out and look at it under a microscope, to determine if cancer is there and what can be done about it either way.

I asked him how soon, and just how he figured to treat this small growth, and how he would cut it off?

He said that my eye would be numbed against discomfort and with scissors just nip the small growth off. This way he could look at it under the microscope. If indeed there is cancer, cutting it off now would prevent it spreading and invading other parts of my head..Whoa!! I thought. It could even spread into other parts of my body, that is how potent and lethal this demon is.

Let`s do it doctor I immediately responded. Just tell me what I need to do and I will do it.

The examination lasted approximately five minutes. To me those minutes felt like a lifetime of sitting there listening to what could had been my death sentence if I had neglected my appointment for the routine eye check another year like I already had. Indeed, as my doctor first told me, `good that we found it early'.

There is one procedure that was done to my right eye that I had never seen. The eye-cancer specialist needed a picture of my eye using this eye-photo taking technique. It involves the use of a small, approximately 4 inches long plastic cylinder-tube made to resemble half of a straw with a tiny light at the top on the inside.

The hand held cylinder, the circle no bigger that an eye, is placed against the eye ball as the bright light shines and the nurse technician allows a flow of water to drain from a thin tube connected to the cylinder to fill the eye. It is difficult to remain staring at the light at the top inside of the cylinder as water falls into the eye. It took the nurse technician two takes to accomplish the feat as the first only resulted in the water flowing down my face. I am sitting with my back to a humming machine taking the action. But it was done.

An appointment is scheduled for eye surgery set for July 30, 2014. I have the prescribed medication `Tbramycin` that I have to apply into my eye as directed before surgery, starting July 29, four times a day, breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime.

You know the drill about eating on the day of surgery. I have that covered as well.

Finally, I cannot be more articulate in asserting my new found anxiety. It is the added cruelty that this menacing and deadly disease of cancer compels us to live through. I have to wait and see if it has found its mark on me. It punishes not only the body, but the soul as well with its vicious waiting game. I must now live another month not knowing if indeed cancer has found its mark. As long as the eye-cancer specialist is clueless absence of the microscope, I can only repeat the words that I chose to use for this diary title:

An Eye-ball probable cancer diagnosis: No end in sight!
Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group focused on dealing with cancer, primarily for cancer survivors and caregivers, though clinicians, researchers, and others with a special interest are also welcome. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 7:30-8:30 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to include physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.
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Comment Preferences

  •  Sending my love (18+ / 0-)

    and prayers, Ole Texan.  You have a whole two groups who care about you and are sending positive energy.

    and you tell new stories -- I guess that means you aren't an old man.

    Big Smoooch!

    " My faith in the Constitution is whole; it is complete; it is total." Barbara Jordan, 1974

    by gchaucer2 on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 05:32:11 PM PDT

  •  And so it begins (16+ / 0-)

    My spouse of 34 years has just been diagnosed with cancer in the colon.

    She is still in the early diagnostic stages, so we don't know how far it has advanced and don't know the possible treatments.

    Fortunately, we have good insurance and everything seems to be covered.  

    Now there are just a lot of unknown unknowns.  

    [Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security] do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.

    by MoDem on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 05:39:55 PM PDT

    •  Wow MoDem, tell me about (15+ / 0-)

      the unknown unknowns. And yes, so it begins. Let me tell you how sorry I am about your spouse`s cancer. They tell me that no one wants to become a member of the Monday Night Cancer Club.

      Maybe if I was very deep with no hope for recovery they could count me in. But as it is, the unknowns is what prompts me to want very bad to be a part here.

      I hope that the early diagnosis stage of your spouse in treatable and she gets well. As for having good insurance, I  have read diaries where some have to go into a bad shape economically due to the high hospital and doctors fees.

      I am thankful that I too am covered for all medical illness. In fact after I returned from my appointment, a bill was in the mailbox for me for that visit and the previous ones that I wrote about.

      Total bill: $7. 60 cents...co-pays for all

      Old age does that I guess.

      Thank you MoDem and my best wishes for your spouse.
      best regards.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 05:50:54 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Thank you (10+ / 0-)

        The place where I worked changed to a policy with no co-pays.  You pay up to certain amount and then everything is covered.  We pay that amount.

        I blew through my amount very early and now EVERYTHING I'm getting has NO co-pays.  

        In my situation, this was a great change.

        It is very difficult to figure out the near future (let alone longer) because there are so many unknown unknowns.  

        I hope by the end of this weak we have a schedule of how it will be treated.

        [Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security] do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.

        by MoDem on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 05:58:23 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  MoDem, to be very honest, (9+ / 0-)

          I have never understood how co-pays work, and I am totally in the dark about what deductibles mean or how they work.

          I have to assume that you are still rather young and do not yet qualify for Medicare, uh?

          The reason I say this is because this is all I can understand rather clearly. Medicare, for instance pays my old age medical bills. However Medicare does not cover certain things -- it only covers 80% of the cost.

          But I have to think that you already know this, Everyone I know here knows that. Well to cover the other 20% that  Medicare does not cover, there is a part which to be honest  I do not even know how it works.

          But it goes like this..It is named QMB which stand for Qualified Medicaid Beneficiaries that old folks like me that meet certain criteria such as old age and income, qualify.

          So I too have QMB and boast about it here regularly when I say old age is good.

          I do hope that you get the opportunity to fix the co-pay system you talk about. So I guess that means that you too are in bad shape when it comes to insurance for your spouse`s cancer.

          Damn MoDem I am very sorry if that is the case. I wish you all the luck in the world. If only your spouse could fully recover, nothing else would matter, uhh??

          Good luck

          Old men tell same old stories

          by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:15:11 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  A year away (9+ / 0-)

            I'm 64 so I'm covered by my place of work.  My spouse is insured through my place of work.

            I was looking to retire in two years, but that may be on hold because we may need the insurance.  My spouse is seven years younger than I am.  

            This is all part of the unknown unknowns.  

            Of course, one of the HUGE advances under that ACA is that if we need to go into the market she cannot be denied insurance for a pre-existing condition.  And, she will have a whopper of a pre-existing condition.

            [Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security] do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.

            by MoDem on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:21:33 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  A year away, uh? (7+ / 0-)

              I could think of no other reason for your insurance difficulties. Also, I read a lot about how cheap and cruel employers are with those who make them richer, the workers who are loyal and timely for work.

              it is serious for you MoDem, buy hey dude, hurry up and try
              the markets you write about. But then it is only me who thinks that way.

              Only you know how important and necessary your job covered insurance is. But you are correct, with the little I have read about the ACA and pre-existing conditions that is indeed very good for when you decide it is time for you to go there.

              Again MoDem good luck, and feel free to share whatever you feel should be aired here at the club. Others are reading and perhaps someone will know something you and I don`t..

              Stay well and best wishes for your spouse`s recovery.

              Old men tell same old stories

              by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:52:54 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              •  I teach a a public university (8+ / 0-)

                One of the advantages I have is I'm a tenured, full professor who is still competent.

                I'm not in fear of being fired.  

                At the moment, we are only at the diagnosis stage.  It was discovered  last Thursday.  We have already seen a specialist.

                We know the tumor is big.  The question is how advanced it is.  

                We hope that will be known by the end of this week.

                [Medicare, and Medicaid, and Social Security] do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.

                by MoDem on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:59:37 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

                •  Oh Wow MoDem, for a moment (4+ / 0-)

                  I thought I had misread your first comment about you spouse having been diagnosed with colon cancer. I had to scroll upwards to read it again.

                  And yes, I understand what you wrote about your spouse, but now you are telling me that you have suffered the same fate. That you have a big tumor must be devastating news for everyone in your family. Now the two or you with cancer?

                  Damn!! is all I can think of.

                  I am so sorry MoDem. Damn, if I could think of just one word that would make you feel better I would repeat it for you all night, I can guarantee you that.

                  Even as you write about your condition, you let it be known about your job. A professor who is still competent. I can only say that I hope what I am reading tonight is only a nightmare I am having.

                  Please take care of yourself and may you somehow get well, and your spouse too.

                  Best wishes.

                  Old men tell same old stories

                  by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 07:34:10 PM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

    •  I am so sorry to hear this! (10+ / 0-)

      Do you have a Gilda's Club or Cancer Support Community center near you? That kind of support and knowledge is very helpful at the beginning of a diagnosis.

      Tracy B Ann - technically that is my signature. I scroll with my middle finger.

      by ZenTrainer on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:29:22 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Colon Cancer Is A Slow Growing Cancer (8+ / 0-)

      I have been told in my cancer support group.

      My own grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer in 1959. She lived more than twenty years.

      She wrote to me while she waiting to see the doctor in late July 1974. She was watching the House Judiciary Committee Impeachment hearings and wrote, "I am up to my old tricks again." And she was.

      But she lived another six years and knew her great grand-daughter as a lively 5 year old.

      Best of everything to your wife.

    •  {{{{MoDem & Wife}}}}} (4+ / 0-)

      It's what I do, hug folks.

      Welcome to the club that no one ever in their wildest dreams ever wanted to be a member of.  

      Life is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be experienced.

      by DarkHawk98 on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 08:45:11 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  You are a great storyteller Ole Texan. I am (13+ / 0-)

    hoping for a happy ending to this and that it's in sight soon.

    Have you asked your doctor for anti-anxiety meds? I think they should be given out as soon as the Big C is mentioned.

    I know the minute they said that to me all I could hear was the ocean roar in my ears.

    Anti-anxiety meds helped.

    Tracy B Ann - technically that is my signature. I scroll with my middle finger.

    by ZenTrainer on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:01:18 PM PDT

    •  Hi ZenTrainer. I am happy (10+ / 0-)

      to know that you are reading, even if words are all jumbled up single spaced, :).

      On my first writing dare around seven years ago here on Daily Kos one of my first diaries was titled "The story teller`s dream is awakened. Part 1"

      It was the start of a long 8 or 9 part series about my personal life stories as seen through a child`s eyes.  I am honored that you think that way about my writing. It is a story teller`s legacy that I want to be remember as, when the lights are turned off.

      Even if you go to my profile, you will notice my sig:

      "ole men tell same old stories"

      You guys have cleared my mind ZT. I am good now as far as anxiety is concerned. But I did not hear waves when I was told the C word. I felt lightning bolts and the jolt was brutal believe me.

      But I`m good now. The waiting is very annoying though.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 06:40:26 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I would think it's a good sign that (4+ / 0-)

        you don't go back for a month.  I know it's really hard to wait that long, but if the doctor thought you were in immediate danger, he would have scheduled the surgery right away.  I hope that's the case anyway.

        •  Good morning Lujane (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          ZenTrainer

          I closed for the night last evening after 10 p.m. I came back this morning Tues and just saw your comment.

          I thought the same thing as you suggest. A month is really a long time for any patient in distress, no matter the illness I would think.

          I do hope that the doctor saw no imminent danger. But yes,
          the waiting is hard though. But I am calm.

          Thank you

          Old men tell same old stories

          by Ole Texan on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 06:06:12 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Hey look: We care! (10+ / 0-)

    Took spouse to surgeon this week for annual recheck. No sign of recurrance of cancer right now.

    But it could be any time. And if you are careful and sensible there are many therapies and many friends.

  •  Best wishes, Ole Texan (10+ / 0-)

    The fear and anxiety of a cancer diagnosis has settled over our family as well.  About nine weeks ago, my wife received a breast cancer diagnosis.  Since then, she has had a lumpectomy, and will be starting radiation therapy soon. Her prognosis is good, and I hope yours will be, too.

  •  Cancer of the eyeball? (9+ / 0-)

    Yep, there is such a thing.

    You might want to skim this diary from the turn of the year as well as the comments.

    Scarring on the eye is something to ask about upfront. Get the clinic's advice about care for the incision, as well as long term pain management.

    Parent. Entrepreneur. Cancer survivor. Moose tracker. Author. http://thirdtimecharmed.com Buy my book: it's not about cancer, or adoption, or economic development...it's about ALL of them!

    by PhoenixRising on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 07:02:24 PM PDT

  •  Nice diary, Ole Texan (7+ / 0-)

    you do have a way with words. You are so right, the waiting is absolutely awful, from the "looks like cancer" to the actual diagnosis and treatment is brutal. Wishing you the best of outcomes!

  •  These are the true gifts: (8+ / 0-)

    ..."but this is all I have to offer, my friendship and best wishes for you."

    Best wishes and healing to you Ole Texan and to every one's loved ones mentioned in this diary afflicted with cancer.

    Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will

    by miracle11 on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 07:10:57 PM PDT

  •  I know what you mean about posting here. In the (9+ / 0-)

    comments of the Grieving Room Diary that I wrote today, I explained that posting here was my "Grief Book". It is also my "Cancer Book". It's nice to have a place where people will listen and respond, and give advice as needed.

    If it is cancer, it sounds like it is small enough that they will be able to take care of it. Then you become a survivor, but it is never really "over". But it's nice being in the survivor group.

    The word "cancer" is always scary if you haven't really confronted it personally before. But it can be fought. I remember asking my doctor after the second round of chemo and radiation (the first one worked, but it popped up somewhere else) if there was anything else that could be done if it didn't work. He said, "There  is always something that can be done." Now I know it's not really true in all cases, but it made me feel better that that was his mindset.

    Best luck to you, and keep us posted.

    •  Hello Lorikeet. I hope you are well, (6+ / 0-)

      to start with. What you say in the first paragraph is so true. I have thought about that these last few days. People come here not only because others will listen and respond, give advise as needed.

      I was thinking that the main reason is that most members are suffering from this disease one way or another. So I think, that like me, most have a sincere need to be here. they like me need the people who are suffering like me, even if my case is not severe as of yet I just need to be here.

      I do not feel comfortable speaking about my situation at home so I knew I could come here, and I think that applies to most. But isn`t that the whole idea of this club? So I have to agree with you on all counts.

      I have not tried to go into the Grieving Room or other places where death or cancer are discussed. However, now that I have joined MNCC and await what is in front of me, it might become a necessity that I check out those places in the future.

      If I become a survivor due to false diagnosis, or prognosis however this language applies to me I just might see you there in the future.

      Chemo and radiation, Lorikeet whenever someone mention those words I cannot help but think of you and what I have read in your diaries. But you always have words of encouragement to those who read what you day. I am no different. I want to thank you for your views
      on the positive sides of the treatments available.

      I will sure keep you posted when I find out my fate.

      Take good care and good night.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 08:13:10 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  A moving account (5+ / 0-)

    of your experience, Ole Texan.  My warmest thoughts are flowing to you over the empyrean.

    Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? . . . and respect the dignity of every human being.

    by Vatexia on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 07:37:19 PM PDT

  •  O.K. I think I passed (7+ / 0-)

    the first test of posting here on Monday Night Cancer Club. My understanding  is diary management. I needed to be up this late at night to respond to comments. That is good.

    Geeeze 10;30 p.m....way past my bedtime. But I note that most folks have called it a night, so I will say goodnight this time.

    I really enjoyed interacting with you. My best wishes for you and your families. I will urge you to consider me a friend. you will always be right in my diaries.

    sleep well and have nice dreams.

    good night.

    Old men tell same old stories

    by Ole Texan on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 08:32:07 PM PDT

    •  Thanks so much for writing this diary Ole (3+ / 0-)

      Texan! Night.

      I'm off too but I'll check back in tomorrow.

      Tracy B Ann - technically that is my signature. I scroll with my middle finger.

      by ZenTrainer on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 08:35:54 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Eye cancer (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Vatexia, ZenTrainer

      It was 33 years ago in Austin TX that my boyfriend (now husband) was diagnosed with a suspicious growth on the retina of one eye when he went in to ask about possible Lasik correction of his vision.   Just a few days later he was in Herman Hospital in Houston and his eye was removed because indeed it was a malignant melanoma and that was the recommended treatment at that time.
      For 10 years after he went through frequent tests and checkups to see if any cancer had spread in his body.  When that 10 years passed he will now say that a great weight was lifted from him.

      He recovered fairly quickly from that surgery and adjusted to life without normal depth perception.   He has a prosthetic eye which fits over an ocular implant which is virtually undetectable to others and that I consider a true masterpiece of that art.

      For the past 33 years life has been very normal.  He successfully completed his career and now is beginning to enjoy retirement.  He drives, hunts, fishes, and does anything he chooses to.   He laughs now that he'll save a lot of money since he doesn't have use for the new 3D tv technology and binoculars are twice are expensive as they need to be.

      So, I sincerely hope your diagnosis is NOT cancer -- but if it is know that there is good treatment available and prospects for continued life and love.   In the past 33 years I imagine the options available have increased many times over and that should be a great thing.

      If we can advise or assist here in Austin, my husband and I certainly would be willing.

      •  hjartdaltex good morning: Tues 8 a.m (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Vatexia, ZenTrainer

        Your story about your husbands eye cancer and surgery is a good tonic to read. What I missed to understand is just how long he waited for his primary visit to ask about possible lasik correction of his vision. Why did he want this?

        Another thing I note is that his malignant melanoma was discovered in a suspicious growth in the retina in one eye. Now we know that the retina of an eye is the dark circle in the middle of the eye. The retina is where all vision is captured with.

        It was indeed tragic I have think the anyone has to undergo this terrible discovery. I am very glad though that you say that so much time has gone by and that he has recovered with his prosthetic eye to the extent that he even jokes about it. I mean about:

        He laughs now that he'll save a lot of money since he doesn't have use for the new 3D tv technology and binoculars are twice are expensive as they need to be.
        Indeed I have learned in so little time that cancer shows no mercy. I think that my consolation is that my eye-growth is located in the very corner of my right eye, and not in a retina. I would be going bananas if such was true. The possibility of removal of my eye would be something that I would really have a hard time deciding. whether to do it or not.

        I am very glad for you and your husband, and indeed for your entire family

        Thank you so much for your very educational comment. I for one really needed this.

        Old men tell same old stories

        by Ole Texan on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 06:33:05 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Reason to visit the eye doctor (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          ZenTrainer

          My husband originally went to the eye doctor only because he has been a long time glasses wearer and he thought he would look better if the Lasik could let him get rid of those.   He had no symptoms or discomfort -- it was only vanity that probably saved his life.   We laugh about that too!

          No, you wouldn't go bananas.  Such a sudden choice makes things seriously clear.   You take the option which gives you the best chance for life.

          Save the bananas for a really wonderful gooey dessert or give them to your favorite monkey.

          I really wish you well!!

  •  Very Powerful Sir {{{{{Ole Texan}}}}}} (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ZenTrainer, outragedinSF, Vatexia

    (The hugs are just what I do ;-) )

    I love your writings and way with words.  Thank you for painting a picture that we understand not just the medical but in equal portions the humanity, trepidations and the emotions of this journey you have begun.  

    I too wish to welcome you to the club that no one ever thought they would ever join.  You are not alone and we all have not just empathy but everyone I have met here have hearts of gold.  

    The person who said knowledge is power must have been talking about getting to know your cancer.  But knowledge can also be a double edged sword too.  Too much too soon can set fire to the anxiety gremlins just as badly as feeding the movie Gremlins after midnight was.  I found for myself that reading on the internet helped me, but in small doses.

    I had lung cancer (it has been in remission since 2/13).  My lung doctor advised me to go slow but to go to the National Cancer Institute and do some reading.  In small slow measured sessions, I  did just that.  And it helped and continues to help me.  

    Here is their link:  

    National Cancer Institute

    Life is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be experienced.

    by DarkHawk98 on Mon Jun 23, 2014 at 09:07:36 PM PDT

    •  DarkHawk98 good morning. (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      ZenTrainer, DarkHawk98

      Now I clearly understand why my new found friend ZenTrainer kept urging me to manage this diary and be present to read the comments and reply.

      I understand that folks have day jobs and sometimes have no time like I do to just sit at my computer any time I wish. I came back this morning Tuesday and found just that, new messages of caring folks like you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking time to join us here at MNCC.

      I usually try to concentrate completely when I am writing to an audience that reads what I write. Here I have found my passion to writing but unfortunately this diary is one I regret. Only folks like you and the things you tell me gives me the courage to continue, for I could just crawl under my bed and wish I was dreaming, which of course is cowardly. I choose not to be that type of ole texan.

      Your take on anxiety and how you connect this annoying mind set to  feeding the movie Gremlins after midnight was something that did not fail to yank a smile from me. Please know that folks like you have rid me of that anxiety I felt when I got the news. I am now calm, yes I am.

      I am not surprise that by being here you are one of us. You too are going through this horrific time in your life with lung cancer. Long ago, more than twenty years I guess, in 1994 I made up my mind to stop smoking after reading so much about the cause of this disease. I know that it is just one culprit (smoking) that causes this, but now I am stunned that I probably went the wrong route to avoid this.

      Now its my eye! That too makes me smile, well sort of.

      I hope that you are taking your doctor`s advise of taking it easy reading, or whatever you do. Yes my friend, take it easy and I hope for you the best care ever given to anyone in your position.

      Best wishes.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 07:00:06 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Thank you (0+ / 0-)

        for your very kind words.  

        I too have the leisure life of a retired person these days, however, I find my early evenings very busy with the hustle and bustle of 4 dogs and a working wife. It seems that I am busier these days than when I was working 50 hours a week as a state employee in California.  

        Please feel free to read my diary entries that I have written concerning my cancer journey.  My first writing was at the very beginning of my journey.  I think you will find my writings to be very familiar to you.  Keeping our sense of humor is imperative I feel in order to maintain your emotional sanity.

         Even while my pulmonologist was telling me that my CT-Scan showed  a mass in my lung left upper lung lobe. I acknowledged that I kind of figured that might be the case so what is the next step.  Then before he told me ,  I shared with him that earlier that morning I had let my employee's know that "despite rumors to the contrary, My doctors had confirmed that I really did have a heart and that I was not cold blooded".  So instead of him being all concerned for my emotional well being at just being told I had lung cancer, I was making him bust a gut with laughter.  

        My point? laughter eases our levels of anxiety, even gallows humor can help.  Hey despite my trials and tribulations, I can still blow out a birthday cake fulls of candles, not bad for a one lunged silly old man if I do say so myself. ;-)

        Life is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be experienced.

        by DarkHawk98 on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 06:22:56 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Hang in there, brother. (5+ / 0-)

    Best of luck. My thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted.

  •  (((( Ole Texan )))) I hope you get through this (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    outragedinSF, Vatexia, ZenTrainer

    ok. I'm betting you will.

  •  All good thoughts your way, Ole Texan (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Vatexia, ZenTrainer

    I really am glad you posted to MNCC.  Please know you have many Kossacks in your corner.  I hope you hear nothing but good news after your surgery.

    "A liberal is a man or a woman or a child who looks forward to a better day, a more tranquil night, and a bright, infinite future." - Leonard Bernstein

    by outragedinSF on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 01:32:47 AM PDT

    •  outragedinSF hello. (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      outragedinSF, ZenTrainer

      Thank you for stopping by and reading here at MNCC. I do know the many kossacks who honestly care about my plight at this moment are sincere and in my corner.

      That is why I am here now and have been for a pretty long stretch of time. I have learned plenty here that is very helpful to me in many ways.

      I cherish this as I do your comment.

      Thank you and best wishes to you

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 07:10:51 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I returned to my diary (4+ / 0-)

        this morning to reply to several new comments and advise.

        I think this diary has now reach its end and soon will go off the radar.

        I will check in periodically just in case. I want to thank each and everyone of you who joined us here at MNCC with your thoughts and advise.

        So long and take care. I will update as things come to my attention about my eye-ball probably cancer diagnosis.

        Later.

        Old men tell same old stories

        by Ole Texan on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 07:15:02 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Ole Texan, you did a great job with your debut (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Vetwife, ZenTrainer

          diary for the Monday Night Cancer Club. I'm glad to see that you enjoyed the dialogue that ensued from your post; that's usually the most satisfying aspect of the diaries for me.
          I do hope that it's not cancer at all, and that if it is, it can be easily and quickly remedied. In any case, the door is open to you here to come discuss it.
          Best regards!

          Support Small Business: Shop Kos Katalogue If you'd like to join the Motor City Kossacks, send me a Kosmail.

          by peregrine kate on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 09:39:09 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  peregrine Kate as I said in my (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            peregrine kate, ZenTrainer

            last comment. I will periodically return to my diary to see if any additional comments need a response.

            But I am in awe to see you here.

            Why?

            Because I was of a mind to ask ZenTrainer about you, and why she thought you had not joined us. I was a bit uncomfortable when I never saw you in my diary to make a comment.

            But now I think that what I said earlier, that folks have to work at day jobs and do not have the luxury I have to just sit around my computer. Your comment put my mind at ease and I thank you for your kind words.

            As I told ZenTrainer that I would never disappoint her for giving me the opportunity to participate here at MNCC, I am saying the same thing to you.

            I will not disappoint you.

            Thank you for you comment, as belated as it is, It is greatly appreciated.

            Old men tell same old stories

            by Ole Texan on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 09:50:10 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  •  I'm a day late (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Vetwife, ZenTrainer, flumptytail

    but am sending you good wishes, Ole Texan.  I hope the little growth is not yet cancer and that you will have nipped this thing in the bud when it is removed for analysis.  {{{{{{{Ole Texan}}}}}}}  May you have a good outcome and relief from the anxiety that comes with not knowing.  

    •  Sara R it is so nice (0+ / 0-)

      that you came by even if a day late. I and the majority of our friends here at MNCC are thinking and hoping as you do.

      I have kept coming back to the diary and have kept finding comments like yours. I will continue to periodically check in. I want to thank you for stopping by.

      I`m hoping that your wishes for me come true.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Wed Jun 25, 2014 at 06:31:47 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Ole Texan... (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ZenTrainer, flumptytail

    there is a lot to be said for an extra pair of shoulders and I love your wife's attitude.  Seems you have family we here at Daily Kos walking with you.. ((((( Hugs))))) and knowing life's worries are easier when there are people who care.

    Just how much Koch do Right Wingers want in their life? . United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Tue Jun 24, 2014 at 05:25:15 PM PDT

    •  Vetwife as usual, it is nice (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Vetwife

      to read your words of wisdom and caring for those who find themselves in distress. You are always there.

      Yes, my wife has the same attitude as I do and I don`t think that is unusual based on the many years we have been like one in our marriage.

      And yes, I do consider the folks in the Daily Kos community as my online family. It is where I have turned to many times when I needed comfort and advice -- to find those like you ready to help.

      Thank you Vetwife, I send you my best wishes and regards.

      Old men tell same old stories

      by Ole Texan on Wed Jun 25, 2014 at 06:37:47 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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