I don't answer the phone anymore.
In roughly two hours, Sunset Magazine will call again, trying to reach my wife. She also never answers the phone. So, Sunset Magazine calls twice a day, every day.
One day, I received four phone calls from the same telemarketer. Finally, I picked up the phone and answered it. After a short moment of introduction, I said, "Do you know that you guys called me four times today?"
She hung up.
The Microsoft calls are probably the best. The one where the man or woman calling or pretending to call from India to tell me that they are from the Microsoft IT department and...
The other day, I cut him off. He started his schtick.
"I am calling fro-,"
"Microsoft!" I finished it for him.
"Did I say I was calling from Microsoft?" He burst out.
"No, but you were going to, right? I replied.
This is the best. He says to me, "No, I wasn't going to say that."
In response, I tell him, "Damn, I was going to ask you what to do to fix my Windows system! I guess I'll have to call them!"
He gives me one good sentence to remember forever and to repeat as a joke to my friends and family.
In a thick Indian accent, he says, "Well, why don't you call them, you PRICK!" The last word was more like "Plick."
Other times, I will just shame them. I've gotten three or four of these. The other times, I just outright shamed them.
"This is immoral, you know. It's wrong. You're lying to people in an attempt to take their money. What kind of person acts that way. I know it's hard to make money, but is this really what you want to be? A liar and a thief?"
I live in Seattle. In a season of political calls, I received a call from New York about a local election issue. Recently, the only thing on the ballot for us in Seattle was something to pay for our mass transit services. It failed.
Years ago, this asshole named Tim Eyman started his voter referendum for profit movement. He took millions out of the transportation budget by getting an initiative approved that reduced car tab fees to 30 dollars.
The call:
It was a young woman, probably just trying to make some money.
The questions were in an interesting order. First, I was asked if I voted for it. Next, I was asked if I knew what it funded. That seems strange. It seems even stranger given the fact that the questionnaire never even explained anything about what it funded.
The middle of the poll was a bunch of "statements made by people." I was supposed to say 1 for strongly disagree, and 5 for strongly agree.
Statements like "They should have raised fairs first, Metro already gets a lot of money."
Another statement was "They should have to pay for their own bus service and don't make other people pay for it f they don't use it."
In the middle of the batch of "statements, " one said, "My family won't even use it."
I stopped. "Wait? What? Is this something from my perspective now? Or is this from the perspective of some other person?"
She had no idea. At all. I strongly disagreed.
As the minutes ticked past, and the biased statements started to mount, I knew this was only partially a phone poll. It was mostly an advertisement. These phone polls are basically the same thing as political advertising when they are done this way.
I was ready to end the call already.
The final questions I heard were just hilarious.
She read me a PARAGRAPH long statement that started off like this:
OPPONENTS SAY...
And then she read me another PARAGRAPH long statement that started off the same way.
Finally, I had really had enough.
"Hey, are there any statements in there from PROPONENTS?"
"Huh?"
"Are there any statements from supporters," I clarified.
"No."
"Well, I'm going to have to go now. You're just reading me long, negative statements that are intended to get me to put my name next to them."
"But, it won't count!" She says back to me.
"I don't want it to count. This is not a fair poll. Thanks."