In what must have been a fit of temporary insanity I decided to tune up my 57 Desoto myself.
I'm really not sure what I was thinking. It must have seemed like a good idea at the time.
Normally I pay somebody to do this. Most places won't touch something this old but there's a local shop who will work on it.
This is America, right? We're all about self sufficiency.
"Besides, how tough can it be? I used to do this sort of thing all the time. It'll be fun."
Famous last words.
Day 1
I head to the local chain auto parts store. The one named after a valley in California.
"I need parts to tune up a 1957 Desoto."
"What's a Desoto?"
"It's a car."
"Is it a Dodge?"
"No, it's a Desoto. That was the company."
"OK. Let me check."
After several minutes of clicking on the computer and consulting with the manager he actually comes up with most of the parts I need. What he can't get me I already have stockpiled in my garage. Ebay is your friend in the old car hobby.
Day 2
I let the car sit overnight so that the engine is dead cold. I don't need any new burns.
I carefully diagram where each spark plug wire goes so that I don't put the new ones on the wrong cylinder. If you've ever done it (I have) you'll know.
For those born after a certain decade, some of the terms I use may sound rather archaic. You see, modern cars are really really good. They start first time, every time. Computerized engine management keeps everything running exactly the way it should all the time.
A car of the 1950s is about one generation from stone knives and bearskins. Ignition is controlled by a set of mechanical "points" along with a condenser (capacitor). Being little more than a mechanical switch, the points wear out over time. Replacing them is part of the tune-up ritual for one of these old beasts. They also need to be set so that they open just the right amount. This is done with a screwdriver and a mechanical "feeler" gauge. Fred Flintstone technology at its finest.
Now where do these points live? They live inside the distributor. That's the thing with all the spark plug wires coming out of it. On a Desoto 341 hemi the distributor is partially buried in the very back of the cavernous engine compartment. The engine compartment on this car is roughly the size of my first apartment. You can literally crawl in there and sit next to the engine. I know this because I had to.
OK, down to business. Pull off the old spark plugs, wires, distributor cap, rotor, points and condenser. Easy enough. OK whatever you do don't drop that screw you took off the points..........
Crap! I dropped it! Somewhere down between the intake manifold and the top of the engine. Using a flashlight I'm able to see it waaaaay down in there. Fortunately I have a little magnet on the end of a long wand that's meant for just this occasion. Got it!
Back when I did computer programming we had this concept we called the "80-20 rule". That means that you spend 80 percent of your time on 20 percent of the work.
The 80-20 rule came into effect when I tried to install the new points. It must have taken me forever to get those in right. I think that's when this started to feel like work.
OK, new rotor and distributor cap. New spark plug wires, which technically fit this car but really aren't as long as the originals. Set the proper gap on the new spark plugs and install them.
Whew! That took a lot longer than I expected. I guess I haven't done this in a while. Let's see if she'll start.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr..............nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not a pop. Not a cough. Not a chug.
Odds are it's one of three things: compression, fuel or ignition. Since it was running before I messed with it I can pretty much rule out the first two. Let's check the ignition. I hook one of the plug wires up to one of the old spark plugs and set it on the manifold. I get my very patient wife to come out and crank the starter for me. Sure enough, I'm not getting a spark.
It's dead Jim.
I've now wasted a day and a half, I'm tired, filthy and my back is killing. I've also gone from a car that ran a little rough to one that doesn't run at all. So much for "first do no harm".
Day 3
After consulting with some wonderful people that run an internet forum dedicated to old Chrysler products, it was suggested that maybe I got a bad condenser out of the box. Happens sometimes. "Try swapping the old one back in." I was told.
Hey, that beats my idea of have it towed to my mechanic and beg him to undo my mess.
Crawl back into the engine compartment. If this was any bigger I could sublet it. Pull the new condenser out and put the old one (glad I saved it) back in. Make sure everything is put back the way it's supposed to be and give it a whirl.
Rrrr....vroooooom! The old hemi lights off and idles away happily.
We're not done yet. I still have to set the timing. OK kiddies, this is another thing you probably never learned to do when growing up. The ignition timing controls when the spark plug fires. The computer on your modern car takes care of that for you.
On older cars, you set the timing using a "timing light". This looks like a ray gun from an old sci-fi movie. You hook it up to one of the spark plug wires (usually #1) and then point it at a scale down by that big pulley on the bottom of the engine (called the harmonic balancer). When the spark plug fires the timing light strobes and makes the timing mark look like it's standing still. That's how we rolled back in the day.
OK, hook up the timing light and now let's find those timing marks down there. Houston, we have a problem. My harmonic balancer is covered with a light coating of rust and there are no timing marks to be found. I'm starting to wonder how my mechanic managed to do this.
I'm tired and my back is hurting me. Time to call it quits for the day.
Day 4
According the nice folks on the old Chrysler forum I'm told that I need to find where Top Dead Center is for the #1 cylinder.
Disconnect the battery.
Pull out all the spark plugs so that I can turn the engine by hand.
Stick a long socket extension through the spark plug hole of the #1 cylinder.
Of course I don't have a big enough socket to fit the bolt on the harmonic balancer. I do have one, however, that will fit the one on the generator. No, not the alternator. These cars predate alternators. It has a generator. What's the difference you ask? One doesn't work as well as the other. Guess which one.
I manage to turn the generator with my ratchet, which turns the fan belts which turns the engine. Success! When my improvised piston indicator reaches the top of its travel I stop.
Take some sandpaper to the rusted balancer and sure enough, there are the original timing marks under there! I feel like I've just discovered King Tut's tomb.
Set the timing, set the idle speed and mixture and we're done!
After all that I wish I could say the car ran perfectly. It doesn't. Through a process of elimination we think I have a bad "vacuum advance" on the distributor. I am awaiting the arrival of the replacement I found on Ebay. I really don't look forward to tearing into the distributor again.
So after investing 4 days of my time plus considerable strain to my back I now have a car that still doesn't run particularly well.
Other than the satisfaction of having done it myself, there is no economic reason for me to have taken on this project. I am a well paid professional. In the amount of time I spent screwing around with this car I could have picked up an extra trip at work and made enough money to pay someone to do this 5 times over.
I have requested that my wife slap some sense into me talk me out of it if I ever try to do this again.
Anyone want to buy a Desoto? It runs. Sort of.