A step by step guide for the curious on how to resolve the problems of the world to the satisfaction of the GOP.
Please be advised that anyone who uses this guide does so at their own risk. (Also, sarcasm)
Step 1: Always be certain to call your adversaries names. It discourages and demoralizes them. Like any child at the playground being teased by the international community is more than most of them can take. If you only have the right words you can reduce them to tears, assuring your eventual victory.
I'd work up an example, but Rep. Lindsey Graham has already given us the words. "Mr. Putin, you are a thug."
See how easy that was? No doubt the industrious, bear wrestling, clothing challenged former member of the KGB is in a back room somewhere, crying.
Now we need to figure out what words would hurt the leaders of ISIS, Hamas and Hezbollah most. I'm willing to take suggestions, people. The right insult could unlock peace in the Middle East!
Step 2: In the rare event that name calling is ineffective, check the time lapse between whatever upset us and the insult we've smacked the foreign nation down with. You see, unless you are Ronald Reagan of blessed memory, if you take longer than twenty minutes from the time the event happened to render an appropriate insult you simply aren't paying appropriate attention. Reagan had such great powers of intimidation he could afford to wait four days to lecture other world leaders. Second rate presidents have to act much more quickly; in fact it would be best if they learned to offer the insults five minutes BEFORE whatever action caused our general upset. How else will we know they are on top of things?
If more than twenty minutes has elapsed, we have to move on to stronger measures.
Step 3: Check and see if there is an armed group in the region you dislike. Any armed group will do provided they dislike the country you're mad at. The reasons here aren't really important - you have to show the world how America feels about things! When you find an appropriate group send them WEAPONS. Lots of weapons. Guns, SAMs, armor, whatever's lying around. Heck, if you're feeling generous send them a couple of guys - strictly off the books, of course - who can teach them how best to use our technology! Then let them lose on our enemy in the region. What could possibly go wrong?
Step 4: Unfortunately some foreign powers are particularly intransigent. They just don't bow down to the awesomeness of America the way they should. WE know our mere presence in the world is enough to guarantee our ability to be epically badass at all times, but they seem to forget this. Sometimes they go so far as to pretend they have their own interests, their own politics and their own military! When this happens you have only one course left to you. Blow them the fuck up. Seriously, if you don't begin an immediate campaign of shock and awe how will they ever realize their mistake and learn to take us seriously? We're doing them a favor, really. They have to learn this at some point - better to catch them now, before they start thinking for themselves.
If you can't figure out how to sufficiently bomb a foreign nation into compliance see Sen. John McCain for instructions. He knows all about this kind of thing; it's his favorite topic. Just don't ask him what we should do if one of our pilots gets shot down in someone else's country and has the extremely bad judgement not to die. He's not so big on rescuing POWs anymore.
There you all are. Four simple steps to managing world conflict, brought to you courtesy of the GOP.