Last night, Bill Maher read a Dr. Seuss parody to the migrant children crossing our border.
The teabaggers say,
"It's not that we're monsters
Or that we don't care.
It's just that God put us here,
And God put you there."
(audience laughter and applause)
Bill also had a great final New Rule about the failure of the so-called free market in today's society.
Americans need to start recognizing that big business is the new big government. It is the massive unwieldy bureaucracy that just doesn't work. Goldman Sachs may have been too big to fail; but the phone company, the credit card company, the mortgage company, the insurance company — they're all too big to care.
Everyone bitches about the Post Office, but at least there are people behind the counter there. Which is more than I can say for Rite Aid. I wandered around there for 30 minutes the other night looking for someone to pay for my cough syrup. It's a good thing I didn't have a cough! (audience laughter and applause)
My friends on the right have this unshakeable idea that the free market is always perfect, because it lets consumers find the best product at the best prices. And that's a nice idea for business school, or at the Ayn Rand Charity Haters Club. (audience laughter)
Video and full transcripts below the fold.
Well, they came out with one now, I guess they channeled Dr. Seuss, for the kids who are coming over the border. It's called
(audience laughter)
I'd like to read a little of it to you now, if I may.
Howdy there, partner,
Today is your day.
You made it to Brownsville!
Now please go away.
You had dreams of Miami,
You had dreams of Chicago.
One day, you thought,
"I'll wash dishes at Spago."
You thought our arms would be open,
Our streets would be gleaming,
Instead of that,
You got teabaggers screaming.
The teabaggers say,
"It's not that we're monsters
Or that we don't care.
It's just that God put us here,
And God put you there."
(audience laughter and applause)
And just cuz you're here,
Don't think that you beat us.
Cuz we don't love kids
Unless they're a fetus.
(audience laughter)
So cut us some slack,
Turn that frown upside-down,
It's not our fault
You're a little too brown.
But I say, welcome to America.
We could use some of your grit.
You'll get used to Republicans,
They're just full of shit!
(wild audience cheering and applause)
So be careful out there,
Or immigration will catch you.
And remember to never believe
What you read on a statue.
(audience applause)
And finally, New Rule: If 21st century America really is a service economy —and I guess it is since 80 percent of American jobs are in the service industry—somebody has to tell me, then why does the service here suck so bad? If we're the service people, why am I still on hold with Eastern Air Lines? (audience laughter)
Last week, a recording went viral of a Comcast customer service rep arguing endlessly with a customer, who just wanted to cancel his service. It was 18 minutes of a guy saying, "I'd like to cancel."
"Why?"
"Doesn't matter, just want to."
"Why?"
"Please, I'm just looking to terminate."
"Why?"
Folks, I'm no business expert, but I don't think your customer service experience is supposed to feel like a car ride with a 4-year-old. (audience laughter and applause)
And look, I don't mean to pick on Comcast, I'm just using their name because it's illegal to kill them. (audience laughter) And of course, you know, later they apologized and said, this is not how we train our customer service representatives. Yeah, except for one tiny detail. It's exactly how they train them.
They're not in the service industry; they're in the small print industry. And this is the new business model in America—annoying you out of your money. Wearing you down until you're too weak to complain, and then when you just can't go on and die, charge you for early cancellation. (audience applause)
Or just make something up, and put it on a bill, and hope no one notices. What the hell is a resort fee at a hotel? Resort fee? I went straight to my room, rubbed one out, and went to bed. (audience laughter and applause) When was I resorting? Why, because you have a treadmill? (audience laughter)
It's like going to a restaurant and being charged extra because they have a candle on the table. Why don't you just have the maid take a couple of twenties out of my wallet when she's in the room? We'll call it an undocumented surcharge. (audience laughter)
Or how about the surcharge the airlines tack on for the privilege of bringing luggage on a trip? (audience cheering and applause) A new survey finds that America's airlines are the world's most profitable, and the world's least comfortable. Why?
Because they can. Because mergers and consolidation and no options is great for business. You know, the flight attendant always says, "We know you have many choices in airlines." And I always think, "C'mon, honey! That line is older than you are."
And that's the problem with the free market today. It's not free, or much of a market. When was the last time the government said no to a merger? It's one of those vague memories, like lawn darts or pubic hair. (audience laughter)
Rupert Murdoch wants to buy the company that owns this channel, at which time this show will become Paste Eating Time with Steve Doocy. (audience laughter and applause)
Americans need to start recognizing that big business is the new big government. It is the massive unwieldy bureaucracy that just doesn't work. Goldman Sachs may have been too big to fail; but the phone company, the credit card company, the mortgage company, the insurance company—they're all too big to care.
Everyone bitches about the post office, but at least there are people behind the counter there. Which is more than I can say for Rite Aid. I wandered around there for 30 minutes the other night looking for someone to pay for my cough syrup. It's a good thing I didn't have a cough! (audience laughter and applause)
My friends on the right have this unshakeable idea that the free market is always perfect, because it lets consumers find the best product at the best prices. And that's a nice idea for business school, or at the Ayn Rand Charity Haters Club. (audience laughter)
But here in Reality-ville, what happens is you get cable from the one cable company in your city, and you sign a piece of paper, and then Rumpelstiltskin comes to your house and sodomizes you and laughs. (audience laughter and applause)
I'm kidding, he doesn't come to your house. You have to call. (audience laughter)