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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

Oh! More Things I Know

>> It's another day ending in y, and that means it's another day that the federal government-hating state's rights states down south will be happily accepting a disproportionately large share of federal tax dollars.

>> I know we're all really excited about the potential of windmills to generate power, but let's not lose sight of why we're installing them in the first place: to grind grain.

Pens to be used by the President are set on the signing table with the bill prior to President Barack Obama signing H.R. 803, the Workforce Innovation and Opportunity Act, in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building South Court Auditorium, July 22, 2014. (Official White House Photo by Amanda Lucidon)
Something else I know: cool pens!
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>> Twenty-nine consecutive state and federal court rulings deeming same-sex marriage a constitutional right is not judicial activism---it's a fucking judicial slam dunk.

>> In June of 2008 I wrote this: "Republicans will go further with bogus impeachment charges against President Obama than Democrats ever did with legitimate ones against President Bush."

>> A stopped clock that's on military time is only right once a day.

>> If we're looking for a way to carry out the death penalty without getting all gross about it, we should give boredom a try.

>> In the entire history of the universe, no one will ever get caught saying, "A gift subscription to Sarahpalinchannel.com? Just what I wanted!!!"

>> When the moon starts waxing, I always sing my favorite song: I Made It Through the Wane.

>> I'd love to know what it's like to be a multimillionaire who pays higher taxes than most people, just so I could empathize with the kind of anguish they go through day after day.

>> The best-tasting water in the world will always come from squirt guns.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 31, 2014

Note: Today is your last chance to celebrate Christmas in July. Tomorrow: Festivus in Augustivus!!!
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Missouri State Fair 2014 logo
8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Talk Like A Pirate Day: 50
Days 'til the Missouri State Fair: 8
Percent of Maine electricity produced last year by hydropower and wind power, respectively: 29%, 7%
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Additional increase in the cost of curbing greenhouse gas emissions for each decade that the U.S. delays doing it: 40%
(Source: Council of Economic Advisers)
Factor by which fist-bumps are more hygienic than handshakes and high-fives, respectively: 20x, 10x
(Source: Doctors)
Price of a small draft beer at a Cleveland Indians or Arizona Diamondbacks game, the cheapest in the majors: $4.00
Percent chance that a shark's eyes are black and lifeless, like a doll's eyes: 100%
(Source: Quint)

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Molly ivins publicity photo  --- small
A local television station here in Lubbock, Texas, recently ran a three-part investigative series on pantyhose entitled "Born to Run."

And some people wonder why I love Lubbock.

After a local farmer mowed an anti-Clinton message into his wheat field, another television station reported that he had "mowed it with his concubine."
---April, 1994

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  The swim lesson

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CHEERS to leadership.  Maine Congressman---and our next governor---Mike Michaud is the ranking Democrat on the House Veterans' Affairs Committee, so he gets plenty of credit for helping get the VA reform bill through the House yesterday---by a whopping 420-5 margin.  Not mature enough to say something positive about it, our Maine Teapublican governor's re-election campaign went negative…and totally botched their attack:

Good job on the
VA reform bill, Mike.
Brent Littlefield, [Paul] LePage’s political advisor…was forced to correct a press release that sought to cast doubt on Michaud’s claim that he was “very active” in drafting the compromise reform bill voted on Wednesday.  Littlefield’s release included links to 11 national stories about the compromise, saying none of them mentioned Michaud. Several of the stories were from the same source, while another clearly noted Michaud’s involvement and included a direct quote from him.
Clearly they belong to their own VA grouop.  Veteran Amateurs.

JEERS to necessary do-overs.  With Israel pulverizing Gaza into a fine powder, it's time to take drastic measures.  I'm donning my tights and using my Superbilly power to turn the world back exactly one year:

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry hosts an Iftar for Israeli Justice Minister Tzipi Livni and Palestinian chief negotiator Saeb Erekat at the U.S. Department of State in Washington, D.C., on July 29, 2013. [
One year ago, all smiles. I
really thought the mimosas
were gonna do the trick.
Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday that Israeli and Palestinian negotiators would convene again in the Middle East within two weeks and that their goal would be to work out a comprehensive peace agreement within nine months that would lead to an independent Palestinian state.

“The parties have agreed to remain engaged in sustained, continuous and substantive negotiations on the core issues,” Mr. Kerry said at the State Department, flanked by Tzipi Livni, Israel’s justice minister, and Saeb Erekat, the chief Palestinian negotiator.

“Our objective will be to achieve a final status agreement over the course of the next nine months,” Mr. Kerry said. “We all understand the goal that we’re working towards: two states living side by side in peace and security.”

Let's hope they get it right this time.

CHEERS to a little help from our friends. On July 31, 1777 (gosh, it seems like yesterday), the Marquis de Lafayette was made a major-general in the American Continental Army.  He said that, even though we had to "go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time," the British Army was "in the last throes of the insurgency, if you will" because we had "turned a corner," and promised that after we won the War of Independence---based on a sensible "time horizon"---we'd be "greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers." Crazy French. Where do they come up with this stuff?

CHEERS to Dr. Barack Obama: Recession Healer.  Despite Republican attempts to pull a sheet over our head every five minutes and send us to the morgue, the president continues helping America recover from its years-long case of Busheconomyitis.  The pulse is getting stronger:

President Barack Obama talks with Kinsey Button at the Magnolia Cafe in Austin, Texas, July 10, 2014. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)
His distant and aloof style
is KILLING THIS COUNTRY!
New data released Wednesday show the U.S. economy bounced back in the spring, growing at a 4% annual pace in the second quarter. That was even better than the forecast of 3% growth, according to a consensus of economists surveyed by CNNMoney.  Consumer spending, which alone accounts for about two thirds of U.S. economic activity, strengthened, as did exports to foreign countries and business investments.

American consumers spent more money on long-lasting goods like autos, appliances and furniture, while businesses invested more in technology and industrial equipment. Both can be seen as good signs that households and companies are more optimistic and investing in the future.

Democrats and independents shouted "Hooray!"  Republicans shouted, "Benghazi!"

CHEERS to the still-happy couple.  Happy anniversary to former and future First Kid Chelsea Clinton, who exchanged "I dos" with Mark Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, New York four years ago.  I still remember that day.  There were tears and wailing about where has the time gone and lip-quivering verses of Sunrise, Sunset and anguished cries of "Don’t take my baby!"  Thank goodness Hillary was there to snap Bill out of it.

Thank You flower bouquet
CHEERS to this year's "government shutdown-style moment."  Boehner, you glorious bastard, you did it!  Yesterday House Republicans---and only House Republicans---voted to give the Speaker the green light to sue President Obama.  The charge: um…flexibility?  (I'm not a lawyer).  Moments after the vote, Boehner received a huge delivery of thank-you bouquets from the people who are happiest about the Republican leader's decision to go after the Democratic president: Democratic fundraisers.

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Five years ago in C&J: July 31, 2009

CHEERS to suds with buds.  Yesterday President Obama, Harvard Professor "Skip" Gates and Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley shared six beers apiece (five of them in the Oval Office broom closet before they headed out to the rose garden) as they met to reconcile their differences.  A transcript of the conversation, based on my superior ability to read lips:

The President: Nobody understands me!  I'm just tryin' to get 'em some freaking HEALTH CARE!  Shit, man...half 'o my own party is workin' with the Republicans!

July 30, 2009 beer summit at the White House
[Clink!]  "Kum by yah."
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Professor Gates: You think you got it rough?  I gotta lecture in front of a buncha half-asleep preppies who sit in my class texting and tweeting and snoring and slurping coffee and passing notes back and forth and stickin' gum under their desks...and then when they fail an exam they're like, "Oh pleez pleez pleez don’t flunk me, P'fesshor, or my daddy won’t buy me a Beemer!"

Officer Crowley: Ah, whaddya talk!  You guys got it easy.  Y'know what happens when someone finds a python in their terlet?  They send me to pull it out.  But a kitten in a tree?  For that they send the goddam fire department and they get their picture on the front page 'o the Bahston Globe.  But me?  I get one column inch in the Bahston Herald's 'News of the Weird' section and end up suckin' down Advil for a month because some fockin' snake squeezed my ribs into the size of a sahftball!"

Joe Biden: I really, really, really, really, really love being vice president, ladies and gentlemen.  Gosh, I really do.  You know I got a Jacuzzi in my living room at the veep mansion?  How sweet is that, ladies and gentlemen?

And peace was restored to the galaxy.

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And just one more…

JEERS to posting dreck that doesn't belong within a hundred miles of a website about winning elections.  And shame on me all the livelong day for posting it:

In my defense, there's gotta be a political metaphor in there somewhere.

I'm sorry but I won’t be able to post C&J again until next month.  Them's the breaks, kids.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Little Girl Really, Really Doesn't Want Bill in Portland Maine to Grow Up
---ABC News

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Poll

Assuming they're all alive and well, which July birthday pair would you rather do lunch with?

20%817 votes
3%136 votes
9%377 votes
18%739 votes
13%521 votes
1%63 votes
6%248 votes
17%699 votes
5%199 votes
2%93 votes

| 3894 votes | Vote | Results

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