Two more quasi-criminal cases rocked the professional football world, as even more medical evidence about the dangers of the sport arose.
In one case, veteran wide receiver and all pro for 4 successive years, PDQ Hands was suspended without pay for eight games because he tested positive for THC. His defense was that his migraines were uncontrollable without it, and that it permitted him to sleep full nights without the use of drugs were rejected out of hand by the NFL. In fact, it barred him producing any medical evidence in his defense. The NFL also banned Hands from mentioning his previous head concussions. Under the terms of his penalty, if he raises medical marijuana or head concussions in public, or if he tries to appeal this penalty, his suspension without pay would be doubled.
Roger Goodall, president of the NFL, congratulated his staff for "Doing the right thing. We must show the league and the public that we are serious about player safety and health issues. Clearly, Hands has been taken in by reefer madness and nothing short of an exorcism will save his satanic soul."
In other news, Ian Viholent, the starting QB for the Chicago Cardinals, was convicted Monday of beating his wife to death, dismembering her corpse, then flushing her body parts down a commercial sewer in Gary, Indiana. The NFL reviewed his sentence, a private statement he made to NFL investigators and his attorney's sworn testimony.
Goodall held a press conference to explain Viholent's one game suspension, with pay. "Clearly this fine young man made a mistake and he has repeatedly apologized for it. He has shown precisely the contrition and remorse that we would expect out of such a gentleman of such high caliber and accurate throwing arm. This sentence and penalty correctly balance the unfortunate events that have cause him so much pain and regret, while allowing this fine young man the right to earn a living as one of the finest QBs in the country."
Meanwhile the NCAA denied that head concussions were damaging to the yute of this country and agreed $75,000,000 to continue to cover up any college player's mental health problems related to repeats head blows.
The NFL and its helmet supplier applauded this decision, releasing a statement that said sanity and head blows have returned to the NFL where they belong.