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I'm a transwoman.  I've been a transwoman my entire life.  I've always known something was not right about me.  I've never quite belonged.  

In my previous diary I talked some about how I got here, how I awakened two months ago.  And I mentioned my angels.  I'm going to talk about them here, for they have saved my life.

There are six . . . so far.  More seem to appear all the time.  Follow me below the fold and I will tell you about them.

My first angel was D.  I have known this woman, who is about 10 years older than me, for most of my career.  Once we shared a car together, almost right after we met, on a 10 or 11 hour drive to NYC.  She barely knew me but had no qualms about being with me and no-one else.  I was just not a threatening "man."  At all.

My awakening happened in the fog of a crazy act of domestic violence.  Without going into too much detail, I basically had to flee my house for a weekend.  When I came back, things were very tense and I spent about two weeks hiding out, and finally (my car was unusuable from the journey I'd undertaken) I called D. and asked if she could pick me up the following morning.  She had been bombarded the day before with questions about where I might be, since everyone knew we were close, so she was eager to find out what was going on I imagine.  

So, I told her right when I got in the car.  And told her I wasn't sure what was going to happen next, but that I trusted her with my identity, and my secret.  And that trust was well placed.  Telling someone who validated my identity was very important . . . it gave me courage.  D. gave me courage.  She's been a friend for a long time.

Then there is the girl we'll call F.   When I came out to her I really gave no thought to her sexuality, though she often dressed in very masculine clothes, I didn't give much thought to it and I just knew she was very smart and I had given her some help with learning new things, and I trusted her.  She was compassionate and kind.  And she was gay and I hadn't even considered that.  But my telling her led me to a group meeting of other transwomen.  Which was a huge eye-opener.  I met some and got the names of a few doctors.  

Another friend I came out to, a woman I had known for about 5 years closer to my age, is my angel T.  T is just a girl's girl's girl, and loves the whole idea of what is happening to me.  She's married to a wonderful guy and they are a truly beautiful couple.  T. dressed me up and took me to the gay bar, without telling me what was going on first, which was a delight I have to say.  We did it again a week later, but this time she arranged a makeover at the mall, and a shopping trip to get new clothes for me.  After a six-hour "ordeal" which included me giggling almost non-stop in the clothing section (T. knows that the giggle means I like something and want to try it, so that's how the shopping worked), I emerged with an outfit that was described as "hot."  And that night at the club, I was told later on that I passed until I talked in my big deep boy voice . . . I have yet to take a single hormone pill.  Made me very happy.

Closer to home are my angels S. and SD.  These are my cousins, girls of course, S. is just a bit younger and SD. is seven or so years younger.  S. has vowed to hold my hand at the surgery, and has gone into full research mode on transsexuality and all things regarding it.  Last night we video-conferenced so she could show me how to put on makeup.  And her younger sister SD. idolized me my whole life (without me knowing really) and is now the sweetest person to talk to.  I have talked more to my cousins in the last six weeks than ever before, and our conversation is real and not about trivial things.  It's been a long strange life for all of us.

And then there is A.  She plays drums in my band, and her acceptance of me was immediate and unquestioning.  We've recruited F. to play with us and have made some very interesting music so far . . . to all our mutual delight.

All of these angels talk to me and reassure me all day long.  They check in on me daily, they help me figure things out, they give me my identity and they are truly beautiful souls.  And it seems the more people I tell, the more people want to give me that identity and validate it.

My male friends are still there, and I still talk to them.  It's strange how that's never really been a thing (I have two or three really close "guy" friends and even then, it's mostly about our shared hobbies), and I don't seem to be missing it.  But the world that I am now just entering . . . I have no idea what is going on in most of it.  It is a wonderful, very comfortable place for me.  And I am guided, by angels.  

Originally posted to Andrea Spande on Fri Aug 08, 2014 at 07:52 PM PDT.

Also republished by TransAction, Community Spotlight, and Progressive Atheists.

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