If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like the top of Rush Limbaugh's head.
You know what we need right now a movie starring Will Ferrell and Colin Farrell, directed by the Farrelly Brothers, with a soundtrack by Pharrell.
I don’t trust people who say they’re “living the dream.” You know who else was living the dream? Freddy Krueger.
It’s going to be difficult to explain to my future kids why I was arrested at the zoo for throwing handfuls of white marbles at the hippos.
I've been secretly drinking my housemates's fruit juice and watering it down. I caught him writing an angry complaint letter to the juice company.
I hope Chelsea Clinton names her baby President.