WMFP? Computer issues. Specifically kernel panic brought on by a dying logic board and graphics card that refuse to actually die, which is a great thing! I got to fully back up my system! It only took a week. One relatively minor result of this inconvenience has been the forced delay of two scheduled diaries, tonight's being one of them. I didn't intend to publish it here but figure I better before circumstance further intervenes. Hopefully, it won't be too anti-climactic for those who have been waiting.
At this point I almost hesitate to bring it up, but just in case: Neither this diary nor the resultant comments threads are meant to be a venue for rehashing recent Meta dramas that precipitated this writing. Out of respect for everyone, if you have any of that in you, please don't bring it here? Thanks.
Please join me over the fold for the first of three installments on the psychologically abusive phenomenon of Gaslighting.
WYFP is our community's Saturday evening gathering to talk about our problems, empathize with one another, and share advice, pootie pictures, favorite adult beverages, and anything else that we think might help. Everyone and all sorts of troubles are welcome. May we find peace and healing here. Won't you please share the joy of WYFP by recommending?
When I dropped the term "gaslighting" a couple weeks ago in response to meta issues the reaction it generated surprised me. From the replies to the kosmails to the increased usage of the word on this site, I have been astounded by how much it resonates within this community. Between
8/29/14 and 9/6/14 (my intended publication date for this post) there were 51 individual comments that reference the word. Between
9/6/13 and 9/6/14 there were 102, so exactly half of those comment references for "gaslighting" in the past 12 months occurred within the week after my mention of the term, on 8/29.
One thing I realized from all of this dialogue is that some were unaware of the term or didn't have a clear picture of what it means. That's not uncommon and a quick online search shows the popular understanding doesn't always align with how it's used in the mental health community, acedemics and professional advocates for domestic abuse and violence prevention. Since most people are not mental health professionals (I am NOT a mental health professional) this makes sense.
One thing everyone IS involved in are human relationships, romantic or otherwise, and many have either personally or tangentially encountered dynamics of emotional abuse. When an unfamiliar term crops up that seems to explain or validate our feelings or observations, it follows that language will be adopted, and this has sometimes led to confusion or misapplication of the term. Gaslighting isn't a new concept, but outside of a relatively limited exposure in media and the press over the last thirty years in particular, the term has been largely off the radar for most people until fairly recently.
Looking at the Google Trends graph above helps illustrate the story of that increasing awareness. As the internet has matured and become ubiquitous more people are exposed to a previously less well-known concept. Online communities and heath related resources have flourished. Increasing numbers of people are seeking answers and validation for their situations and sharing their knowledge directly, whereas before it would have filtered almost exclusively through mental health professionals or by limited word of mouth. The stigma of mental health, abusive relationships and self-help resources have significantly lessened as a result of connectivity. Information doesn't come in a vacuum anymore and for many people the internet has become the context.
Most of what I found that misinterpreted the dynamics of gaslighting was well intentioned but overly inclusive in defining the behavior. Because the issue is so emotionally loaded it's easy to understand how the meaning has taken on a life of its own and been broadened by popular definition. Even among clinical psychologists and other mental health professionals there exists a relative variety of opinion about what gaslighting is and isn't. Associated online advocacy communities, operating as a sort of feedback loop, further blur the lines and formalize this semantic shift.
I was glad to uncover my own misuse of the term and correct my understanding of this complex behavior. I think when people have been subjected to abuse and mistreatment the language used to define those experiences matters and misapplication of the terminology only serves to confuse and detract from healing. In the interest of knowledge and of self-empowerment let's begin Part I of this serie and examine what gaslighting is, at the signs and characteristics of the dynamics involved and the stages of development this abuse enatils and some tools for recognizing it when it occurs.
What is Gaslighting?
We'll start at Wikipedia, which offers a good working definition and a helpful description of origin.
Gaslighting or gas-lighting[1] is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.[2] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim
Etymology[edit]
The 1938 stage play Gas Light, known as Angel Street in the United States, and the film adaptations released in 1940 and 1944 motivated the origin of the term because of the systematic psychological manipulation used by the main character on a victim. The plot concerns a husband who attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment, and subsequently, insisting that she is mistaken or remembering things incorrectly when she points out these changes. The original title stems from the dimming of the gas lights in the house that happened when the husband was using the gas lights in the attic while searching for hidden treasure. The wife accurately notices the dimming lights and discusses the phenomenon, but the husband insists she is imagining a change in the level of illumination.
The term "gaslighting" has been used colloquially since the 1970s to describe efforts to manipulate someone's sense of reality. In a 1980 book on child sex abuse, Florence Rush summarized George Cukor's 1944 film version of Gas Light, and writes, "even today the word [gaslighting] is used to describe an attempt to destroy another's perception of reality."[5] The term was further popularized in Victor Santoro's 1994 book Gaslighting: How to Drive Your Enemies Crazy, which ostensibly outlines legal tactics the reader might use to annoy others.
This "classic" example, as illuatrated by the husband in the play and movie, is not comprehensive. The phenomenon can exist within a variety of dynamic relationships and with a range of intensities, from the office to extended family to a circle of friends. As shown above, the operative act is
an attempt to ruin someones ability to know what is true about their world and thus to gain control.
As an aside, check out that last sentence in the blockquote above and think about what it advocates. Food for thought about this book and author from the interwebz...
Eleanor White has written a review of a book by Victor Santoro: Gas lighting: How to Drive Your Enemies Crazy. In the review she points out that the harassment techniques are both subtle and devious and indicates stalking victims will immediately recognize the techniques. Some of the techniques in the book talk about how to cause disorientation in the victim by sneaking into their home and subtly moving items around, or stealing an item then putting it back at a later date. There is advice on starting a whispering campaign against the target, so multiple people help damage the target’s reputation. There are also techniques in the book designed to alienate the target from family members, friends, neighbors, employers, etc. and to make them doubt the target’s sanity. Here are a few chapter titles from the book:
Gas lighting Philosophy
Causing Disorientation
Building Paranoia
Destroying Your Target’s Reputation
Provoking Confrontations
This is nasty stuff and the psychopath does not need a book to go by, as he is a natural at it.
An interesting window into the mind of someone who displays this behavior, from a business/legal perspective (despite its being a publication of little repute). If it may appeal to business or legal class is unknowable, though
anecdotal evidence (reinforced by
popular opinion) suggests that
sociopaths and
narcissistic personalities abound in the business and
politics. Those two personality types utilize gaslighting as a matter of course. More about that in Part II. Needless to say, these same tactics employed behind closed doors and within personal relationships are amazingly destructive.
What does Gaslighting look like?
It can look like lots of things and with varying intensity. From the research essay
Psychological Abuse in Young Couples: Risk Factors, published online in
Journal of Social Service Research by Juan Manuel Moreno Manso, Macarena Blázquez Alonso , Maria Elena García-Baamonde
Sánchez a & Eloísa Guerrero, a summary of their interviews of clnical psychologists outlines representative answers from patients regarding dynamics of their abuse relationships:
In “gaslighting,” some answers were: “My partner denied having told me things that he really had told me,” and “My partner accused me of constantly imagining things that hadn’t happened.”
These two answers are excellent descriptors of the basic nature of this abuse and show the characteristic undermining of a target's memory and sequencing of past events. These two simple phrases more than any other I've read illustrate the power behind this tactic and show why gaslighting can be so difficult to counter.
Dr. Robin Stern ia a prominent Yale associated researcher and author who writes extensivelyon the subject of gaslighting. Her work reaches many readers and is quite effective in outlining the nature of the problem from the perspective of a romantic relationship (the most common form of this abuse). From Psychology Today:
Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person. Gaslighting takes two – one person who needs to be in control to maintain his sense of self, and the other, who needs the relationship to maintain her sense of self and is willing to acquiesce. The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality, confused and uncertain of what you think, because you have allowed another to define reality and tell you what you think — and who you are.
(emphasis mine)
I've read criticism of the notion that "it takes two" but that seems to miss the point. It's not about co-dependency certainly not about mutual culpability. Instead it speaks to the breaking of will and the ability to withstand chronic effects of emotionally and psychological domination. "The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality" is the perpetrator's goal. They count on the average person being unguarded against such tactics and thus susceptible to control. This is particularly the case in romantic relationships, which by nature include letting down one's emotional guard.
Here's a bit more:
The powerful gaslighter (he has power both because he asserts it and because the gaslightee gives it to him!) engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world or there's something wrong with who she is -- and-- the gaslightee, by agreeing with him or allowing his perceptions define hers, over time, loses confidence, feels unsure and experiences a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, the gaslightee begins to question what she thought she knew---and gives up the power to stand in her own reality.
(emphasis mine)
How does this dynamic develop? Dr. Stern outlines a set of stages:
Stage I: Disbelief.
You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner - or your boss, friend, family member - that seem odd to you
Being told one is crazy in how they think, feel or act. Belittling or dismissive comments and observations come out of the blue. This stage is generally confusing because there are still "positive" components of the relationship and the abuse has not fully revealed itself. The abuser is given the benefit of the doubt and the behavior thus rationalized, dismissed or explained away.
In work environments or other hierarchical situations where the target is inherently subordinate to the aggressor, the result is particularly isolating. Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation, and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis (Theodore Dopart, p.34), a book about provider/patient dynamics geared toward practitioners, offers the following perspective. Again, the goal is to instill a sense of doubt and an undermining of self-confidence.
Stage II: Defense.
This happens as the target is weakened by repeated attack and abuse andattempts to fight back. Once recovered from the shock of what is happening, the target begins to fight back. Relying on factual evidence and examples, an attempt is made to reverse the momentum and regain emotional balance. The gaslighter turns this back on the target, further undermining their sense of self and reality. Dr. Stern:
The next stage is defense: where you are defending yourself against the gaslighter's manipulation. Think about it - you tell your boss, for example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments --- you ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed..... well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn't answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leave it at that - or redirect the conversation - you start defending yourself - telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed -- or, that the stress doesn't interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation.... going over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.
What's worse, is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can't stand that your boss sees the situation like that and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.
Turning the target's defense against them the damages has deepended. From here the next stage is Depression and a surrender by the target to the power and control of the gaslighter. This giving up doesn't stop the abuse but rather deepens the dynamic. Again, Dr. Stern:
The next stage is depression: By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy - and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends - in fact, you don't talk to people about your relationship very much - none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling -- they treat you like you really do have a problem. One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie. In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn't find the "right" kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband's company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home, Melanie began to believe he was right - after all, what was more important than her husband. Why wasn't she a more considerate wife? She was unhappy almost all the time - and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, besides that she was a less than adequate wife.
It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie's view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life.
In Part II of this series we will look at personality types and disorders most closely associated with gaslighting as well as subcategories of behavior that make strict definitions of this behavior so difficult to enforce. Before we go, however, let' shear one more time from Dr. Stern, who offers a list of waring signs that are of value to consider if you feel you or someone you love might be the target of gaslighting behavior.
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
Thnaks for reading and for those of you who have waited for this diary, thanks for being patient. I look forward to the next installment, place and time to be announced.
Ploease join us over the fold for comments and feel free to move away from this subject, post pictures (I'm looking at you blueyedace2), or anything else you desire as is the tradition when telling us
WYFP?